


God's Watching, Put on a Show

by BottleOfSpilledInk



Category: Original Work
Genre: 1990s, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Catholic Guilt, Catholic School, Catholicism, Everyone Has Issues, F/F, Found Family, High School, Homophobia, Implied Masturbation, Internalized Homophobia, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Religion, Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Repression, Romance, Sexual Repression, all my anger for god and love for religious imagery will be shoved in here so help me-, btw sorry eve's so thirsty, oof these aren't in order cause tags are hard and I'm sorry, she's just repressed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:06:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 51,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25150612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BottleOfSpilledInk/pseuds/BottleOfSpilledInk
Summary: How could a pair of oven mitts change someone's life so drastically, so suddenly?How could this single act of kindness change her and the way she saw herself?How could one cold, autumn afternoon flip the world onto it's head?Eve didn't know.But she wouldn't trade what she had with Lilith for salvation itself.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Female Character
Comments: 75
Kudos: 80





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!! Please note that what I'm posting is currently a first draft and will be heavily edited in the future. Comments and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!

_September_ _10_ _, 1993, St. Agnes School For Girls_

Eve stared at the bible she was so desperately clutching, her nails creating indents on it's fine, leather cover.

_"Hail, holy queen,_  
_Mother of mercy,_  
_Hail, our life, our sweetness, and our hope..."_

Her stomach twisted as she switched from one prayer to another in her head.

_"Glory be to the Father,_  
_And to the Son,_  
_And to the Holy Spirit..."_

She wasn't even sure if she'd finished before beginning a different one, thoughts continually straying, focus nearly non-existent.

_"Our Father,_  
_Who art in Heaven,_  
_Hallowed be thy name..."_

If she was more aware of herself, she would have thought it miraculous that the book didn't simply slip from her grasp.

They had just finished the first gym class of their senior year and she could still picture it so vividly.

Airy sighs of relief echoed through the showers, mixing with the sound of running water and murmured complaints of aching limbs.

Warm water cascaded down them all as her chestnut eyes wandered, gaze flitting from the floor, to the nude girl next to her, to the faucet knobs, then to the floor once more.

She couldn't help but envy Claudia's soap, the lilac bar sliding over the soft, supple skin of her thighs, gliding over the gentle swell of her breasts, leaving sweet smelling suds and translucent bubbles in their wake.

It hardly got better when she towelled off. Girls roamed around the room in various states of undress.

When the prayers didn't work, she brought her sweaty hands up to palm at the rosary that, despite dangling at her neck, had always felt too tight.

 _Just a_ _bit._

Her face flushed as even more of earlier's memories surfaced.

She recalled how her classmate, Tabitha, leant down to ask for a turn with her brush, entirely bare save for a towel that, instead of covering her body, had been used to wrap her wet hair.

She recalled how Naomi had slipped on the wet tile, bumping into her in an attempt to stay standing, wet hair dripping onto Eve as she was pressed into the locker, body hot against her back even with the towel between them.

And once that failed to purge the thoughts from her head, she shifted her gaze to the crucifix above the whiteboard, exchanging prayers for pleas so desperate that would make anyone who heard it cave and help her.

Though unfortunately for Eve, no one was listening.

She wanted to stop the thoughts.

She _needed t_ o stop the thoughts, the frantic beating of her heart, the pulsing heat that came from between her legs, lest she risk losing everything in this life and the next.

 _"Please,"_ she thought, eyes clenched shut, her ivory hands were slick and shaking as she brought them together, fingertips growing red with each pleading squeeze, _"help me."_

 _"I know you wouldn't put me through this if you thought_ _I_ _couldn't handle it, but_ _I'm_ _begging you, help me._ _"_ The words were now a mantra, repeating over and over til it lost all meaning, words meshing together in her mind in a senseless fashion, fading into the background of her thoughts all together.

Her amber eyes brimmed with tears at what could happen to her, to her soul, if she wasn't able to stop, if this wanton depravity escaped her mind, if she decided to go forth and search for ways to fulfill this sick fantasy of hers.

And through some miracle or curse, her prayers had been realized in the form of the shrill shriek of the fire alarm. Her heart beat in panic instead of longing and arousal receded, replaced by fear.

"Get in line, girls. Remember our drills," Sister Jane said, calmly rising from her seat, somehow immune to the fear and worry that now permeated the air.

At the order, lines were formed, rushed and frantic and the complete opposite of their usually pristine formation as they speed walked through the cloisters.

The place was bustling with life, tiny heels clicking and voices buzzing as the already crooked lines dissipated completely as people shoved and bumped into each other.

Eve could barely move, her right side pressed firmly into the walls. She shuffled along as best she could, making way for one of the nuns fighting against the crowd trying to reach the telephone to call the fire department.

They arrived at the courtyard quickly and despite the attempts to settle them, some girls were running all over the grass, shouting names, looking for friends and ensuring their safety.

Though the source of the fire was still a mystery, it was clear that calming the students would take a good while.

Eve was shivering in the crisp autumn air, a crunchy leaf smacking her in the face as she rubbed her hands together. In all the commotion, she had left her coat behind, the thick wool remaining draped over the back of her chair and utterly useless to her now.

Just when the sisters were at their wits end, one of the more elderly nuns and girls in aprons rushed out of the west wing door with their hands and handkerchiefs covering their mouths.

They donned flour stains on their school-mandated black aprons and reeked of smoke. Most were violently coughing, one of them dry heaving onto the grass because of the force of it.

The girls were far too distracted to notice one of their fellow classmates slipping away from them.

"Sister Agnes!" The women rushed over to her as she fell to the ground, habit nearly slipping off when her frail body collided into the damp grass.

"What happened? Did all the girls make it out?" Mother Cecilia asked, nearly hysterical as she knelt by her fallen friend.

"Thank the Lord, I believe so, yes." Sister Agnes pushed herself up and hid the bit of hair that escaped her hood. "Oh, I don't know what happened! We were just baking, and- and I- That girl! She put it in the oven! That wretched girl! She must have started the fire!" The woman marched over to her students, face distorted in rage.

"Where is she?! Where's Lilith?!"

Eve, being so far from the commotion, hardly noticed it all as she sat alone on one of the wooden benches. She was far too occupied with warming herself. A violent shiver went through her as her leg brushed against the cold metal nail of the seat.

"Feeling chilly?" A girl with striking red hair asked her, taking off her oven mitts and waving them at Eve.

"Oh! Uhm, no, I'm fine. Thank you, though." She said, straightening herself. A gust of wind had blown past them, allowing Eve to catch a faint whiff of the smoky scent emanating from the girl.

The other merely smirked, "Shy? There's no need to be. Besides, I can see you shivering."

The blonde gave an awkward laugh, feeling her face flush as she was caught lying.

"You got me there! But really, I'm fine, it's nothing I can't handle," Eve tried reassuring the girl, who only raised a brow at her.

"Sure about that? I don't mind letting you borrow them, it's not like I'm using them or anything." The girl practically insisted on taking the oven mitts, holding them out to Eve.

Even from afar, she could feel it's warmth, her hand gave a tiny twitch, completely revealing how much she wanted it.

"If you're sure..." She reached out and took the mittens from her, their fingers briefly brushing together.

And for a second, a single, fleeting moment, the overwhelming desire to hold the other girl's hand overtook her, and she froze, head spinning at the other's heat.

She wanted to feel her smooth skin, her warmth, and have her soft hands encompass her own.

But no such thing happened and Eve pushed the thought aside to slip the oven mitts on.

"Thank you. I honestly don't think I could have taken it much longer, I have more goosebumps than an actual goose at this point."

The girl laughed at this, hearty and loud and absolutely stunning as her frame shook with the force of it all. The autumn skies made her hair shine like a ruby, it's tips barely grazing her shoulders.

"My name's Eve, by the way." She clumsily brushed her own hair from her face, oven mitts making the task more difficult than it should have been, then stuck out her hand for the other to shake.

"That's pretty. It suits you," the girl said nonchalantly. Eve would have thought it to be sarcasm if it weren't for the seemingly genuine smile still on her face.

"I'm-"

"There you are!" Mother Cecilia pushed through the crowd of students and grabbed the dark haired girl's outstretched hand, preventing it from reaching Eve's and pulling her up. "Come with me! Now!"

And so, the girl was gone before Eve could make a sound. She could do nothing but watch as people around them parted to let the two pass, not wanting the wrath of Mother Cecilia to befall them too.

They stayed out there for another fifteen minutes before the fire department arrived.

The girls were craning their necks as they crammed themselves at the windows to get a glimpse of the firemen as the ran through the halls, hose trailing behind them. Whispers of excitement ran through them as one of the men actually entered the courtyard to talk to the nuns.

After an hour long role call, they were ushered back to their classes, chatter untamable due to all of the events that had transpired.

There was only one girl who stayed silent through it all.

Eve was still staring at the red oven mitts when she reached her seat, wondering how on earth she would return them, til the answer presented themselves through the tag that slipped out when she took them off.

On that tag, scrawled messily in a thick black marker was the name Lilith Damien.


	2. Chapter 2

It's been a day since the oven mitts were lent to her.

Eve hadn't been able to return the them, too shy to ask around for it's owner.

Once class was finished, she washed it in her kitchen sink. Half a pack of lavender detergent wasn't enough to get rid of the burnt smell that lingered on the cloth, but she had done her best.

While she chipped the hardened batter off of the soft cloth, her hand sometimes stopped to caress the tag, tracing over the small, slightly slopping lettering. She'd only realize she had stopped scrubbing them when her bunny slippers were damp with water from the still running tap, the soapy liquid spilling over the sink and in between the wooden floorboards.

Even when the oven mitts were tucked away in her nightstand, her mind would wander to thoughts of it's owner, her warm hands, her fiery hair, and her plump, pink lips.

But that was a problem for the Eve of tomorrow to deal with.

* * *

It's been two days since the oven mitts were lent to her.

They've sat in the front pocket of her backpack since the moment Eve deemed them dry enough, squashed against her pencil case that was filled to a near burst.

She put them in with her books after an hour, not wanting to return it smelling like pencil shavings.

For the rest of the day, her mind was bombarded with images of the smile she would receive upon returning them.

That is, of course, if she could even bring herself to do so.

* * *

It's been three days since the oven mitts were lent to her.

Eve thought about leaving it in the lost and found but ultimately decided against it, seeing as it wasn't lost, nor was it found.

It sat heavy in her deep skirt pocket while she ate her lunch, plush compared to the hard bench pressing at her thighs, hyperaware of its presence.

Her chicken pot pie was cold in the center and she immediately recoiled when it met her lips.

"Is the pie chilly?" Elizabeth asked, looking up from her plate.

Lilith's smile flashed through her head, the epitome of stunning.

In the past few days, the word chilly had been linked to Lilith and Lilith only. This was going to be a problem as the wind began to blow and all Eve heard in the hall was the sound of her voice, gentle but teasing.

"The center is."

Elizabeth laughed at this, a quick, cute snort through her nose. "I bet you half my cake slice that the freshmen were on lunch duty today."

Gambling, no matter how small, was against the rules. It said so in big, bold letters on page 37 of the student handbook.

They had to have fun somehow though, so this was often overlooked in favor of small and quite harmless bets.

"I bet you my juice that it was the sophomores that skipped home economics last year."

"You're on!"

They ate what parts of the food they could stomach, waiting for their other friend to join them from the line.

"Hey." Mary slid her tray next to Eve's and sat down, slicing the crusts off her tuna sandwich with the dull, school issue knives.

"What year's on kitchen duty?" Elizabeth asked, always straight to the point.

"The people who got in trouble for the fire." She bit into her sandwich. "Seniors."

"Okay then, so it's a draw."

"What's a draw?"

"We made a bet on what year made the meals because the center's cold," Eve explained.

"Wait a minute, this means they caught who started the fire, right?" Elizabeth perked up immediately at the thought of gossip. The fire was all anyone could talk about these past few days.

"Please, please, please, tell me who it was!"

"Not really..."

"No way! If they didn't catch anyone, then who's on kitchen duty?"

"According to the file, everyone who put something in the oven was held accountable because they weren't able to get a confession."

"Gimme the list of suspects," Elizabeth whispered. Mary was head of the student council and knew everything that was worthy of an official report.

"There's only five of them. Joan Amiel, Eliza Job, Paula Matthews, Gabrielle Davidson, and... Lily? Wait, that's not it," She rested her head in her hand, immaculate brows furrowing.

Makeup was also not allowed, as stated in page 34 of the same handbook. But practically all the students knew that if you were able to make it look natural enough, you'd get away with it.

"It's on the tip of my tongue, I just can't- oh! And Lilith Damien." She took a bite of her sandwich, shaking her head all the while. "Honestly, how could I forget her? She causes half the problems around here."

Eve's head shot up but she hurriedly ducked down again, hoping her friends wouldn't notice her rather dramatic movement.

"You know her, Eve?" Their eyes bore into her skeptically, far too accustomed to her demure, blink-and-you-miss-it, reactions.

"Not exactly?" She brushed her golden hair back, playing with the ends as she avoided their gaze. From what she had just heard, knowing Lilith was not the best thing.

"We ran in to each other in the courtyard when the fire alarms went off. I doubt she even remembers me." She decided not to tell them about the things that had happened, the oven mitts in her pocket, or how soft her hand was.

"That's a good thing, too! Lord knows what kind of trouble you would have gotten into, hanging around with her sort," Mary said, adamant.

Eve couldn't help but wonder if her days of snooping through the school records had let her feel like she truly knew people. Though, she knew better than to say anything, merely nodding along and sipping her juice.

The rest of lunch continued like this for her, passively humming and nodding as her only response. As silent as she was, however, her mind was buzzing with thoughts and possibilities, some more welcome than others.

By the end of the hour, Eve had a plan.

She would knock on the kitchen entrance, oven mitts already in hand. (She didn't want to waste Lilith's time.)

After handing them over, she'd apologize for taking so long, and maybe, just _maybe,_ she'd tell her she washed them for her.

Just so she wouldn't appear to have kept them for no reason.

The conversation went on without her, the other two saying goodbye before heading to the one class they had together, not bothering to wait for Eve since they knew her free period was next.

The blonde patted her pocket one last time to make sure the oven mitts hadn't somehow disappeared and shrugged her bag on when she felt it's now familiar plush against her.

Her plan, Eve quickly realized, was easier thought out than done. Her fingers curled into a loose fist that hovered nervously over the kitchen's backdoor.

She knew what she wanted to say. Well, she thought she did anyway. The real problem for her now was how she was going to say it.

So there she was, pacing by the garbage cans and muttering incoherently to herself, trying to find the right words to sound grateful for being lent the gloves, which she was, but not creepy or annoying, which she thought she was.

This went on for quite some time, Eve completely unaware of her surroundings til she was snapped back to reality by a loud, familiar laugh.

"Eve! We meet again!" The girl said, somehow giddy and suave at the same time despite barely being able to get her words out through her giggling.

"Hi!" Eve squeaked, clinging to the cloth tighter than she had been.

Her obvious shock only served to make Lilith laugh harder, the redhead clutching her stomach and struggling for breath.

"Why are you laughing? Come on, what's so funny?" Like that day in the courtyard, Eve felt her face flush with what she thought was indignation. She ran a hand through her hair, nervous and entirely confused as to why.

"Sorry about that," The girl walked past her and tossed a garbage bags into the dumpster nearby.

"It's just," another small laugh escaped her, "the people I was cooking with were too scared to come out here. They said there was some crazy chick was talking to herself by the trash like she was on crack!"

"Really?! I-I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to-"

She felt like dying, her face hotter than a stove and twice as red. Her fingers reached for her hair on instinct, twiddling with the tips, snapping some of the strands of in the process.

"Hey, it's alright! Gave me an excuse to get outta there, so I ain't complaining." She shrugged her shoulders then stretched her back, uniform rising as she did so.

Her eyes were instantly drawn to the sliver of skin that appeared before her. It was gone as quick as it appeared yet the very image was now burned into her mind.

It would occupy her mind all throughout dinner. It would be all she could think about as she took her nightly shower. It would invade her mind as she lay in bed to sleep, restless and half mad because of the picture.

Though it wasn't so much of a problem now. She had something else to keep her mind busy, after all.

"How'd you find me, by the way?"

"I saw your name on the tag and I asked around."

"Oh..." She breathed, face falling for only a second. "So you know who I am?"

Her voice was laced with something akin to disappointment and hesitance. As if, in her mind, the moment Eve knew of the person she was and the things she'd done, the blonde would go running.

"Yeah, you're Lilith Damien, right?"

"Depends on who you ask." She winked, blue eyes filled with mirth and smile becoming devious.

The way she said it somewhat jokingly. Though what the joke was evaded her and she was left looking like a fool, a few slow blinks being her sole response.

"Anyways, I'm here to return these," Eve said, turning a deeper shade of pink at the wink.

Those eyes did things to her.

Whether she knew it or not, though, was something for later.

"Thank you." Lilith smiled, apple red lips a cross of amused and endeared.

Like the first meeting, their hands brushed against each other, but if Eve was honest with herself, though she rarely was, it didn't seem as accidental or as fleeting, skin lingering and heat staying for a moment longer than it had.

"Were they able to do it?"

"Do what?"

"Keep you warm."

Lilith said this as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, but not in a way that berated her or made her seem naive and stupid, but her tone was that of care, as if the oven mitts were _meant_ to warm _her_.

"They did great, you should be very proud of them," Eve giggled, cheesy humor shining through before she could stop it.

It was refreshing when Lilith laughed, not a snicker of distaste or one of pity like her friends who would cringe are her childish jokes and puns, but a sound of genuine joy and hilarity.

Eve was still getting used to the sound, lost in her own high when Lilith spoke once more.

"Did you wash them for me?"

"Uh.."

 _"_ _Don't_ _be creepy._ _Don't_ _be_ _creepy."_

"Yes, actually. I had them for a while after you gave them and I didn't wanna give you a hard time scrubbing all the dried batter off after being so nice to me."

As it turns out, this was the right thing to say as the redhead gave her another dazzling smile in thanks.

The serene silence that hung between them was interrupted by three heavy knocks on the door behind them.

"Hold on, I'm in the middle of something here!" Her smile was wiped clean of her face, replaced by a deep scowl that looked so out of place on her sharp, yet stunning features.

"Lilith, get your ass back in here!" A harsh voice boomed from inside the kitchen.

"You better not be on a smoke break, taking the trash out shouldn't be taking that damn long."

"I'm not smoking! Just gimme a minute, will you, Joan?"

"If you're not in here in two minutes, I'm telling Mother Cecilia."

"Fuck you!" Her change in tone was abrupt and shocking to say the least, and Eve couldn't help but gawk at the more aggressive language.

Cursing was prohibited and anyone caught doing it would get a detention and a note home. It was on page 39, right in between bullying and, coincidentally, smoking.

"Anyway," Lilith said, turning back to her, suddenly sheepish as she rubbed her neck. "I should probably go..."

"I see what you mean now when you said it depends on who I ask."

"Yeah?" Her usual smirk was off now, cool façade cracking under the weight of Eve's words.

"Yeah."

"And... is it a bad thing?" Lilith's voice was hesitant, as if, for some reason, she cared for what the other thought of her.

"Not exactly. Flexibility is a good trait in the workforce." She said, taking a quote straight from their textbook to justify the girl's actions with something other than the fact that she had taken quite a liking to her.

All the tension left Lilith, shoulders slumping in a show of relief. The hand at her neck had fallen, dragging her unbuttoned collar with it, giving Eve a peek of her cleavage.

She would also think about that later tonight, mind alternating with the peek of skin earlier, and now, this.

"OK. I'll see you around, then?"

The blonde grinned and nodded in response. She didn't know why, but she wanted to see her again.

"Bye, Lilith."

"Bye, Eve."

With that, the girl went back into the kitchen, door unintentionally slamming shut behind her.

Eve could hardly wait for their next meeting.

And lucky for her, she wouldn't have to wait long.

* * *

"So?" Paula asked, not even a minute after Lilith entered the kitchen.

"So what?"

All the girls in had their eyes on her, as if waiting for their turn to asks their own questions.

"She's asking you if you dealt with the crackhead or not, dummy." Joan said, snickering, though she shut up after being elbowed by Paula.

"I'm here, aren't I? And don't call her that." She went over to the sink, quicklime washing her hands and wiping it on her worn apron. "She has a name."

"We'll call her by her name when you tell us what it is."

"Joan!" Paula hit the girl once more.

"That's not what I meant. We just wanna know who she was."

Paula took Lilith's damp hands, thumb moving in small, soothing circles.

"We're worried about you, Lil. You haven't really been with anyone since Sarah left."

"You really don't have to worry. I'm over her, I have been for months now!"

Joan sighed and sauntered over to the pair, patting the girl on the back. As much as they'd tease and bicker and squabble, they cared about each other, though their ways of showing it were unconventional to say the least.

"You sure?" She started. "I mean, it's fine if you wanna take a break from relationships and all that, but maybe it would be better for you to get out there and try dating again?"

"Date who?" Lilith went to her bag and fished out a pack of chips. "In case you haven't noticed, I don't exactly have a lot of options here."

"Me and Paula met someone at the garage concert we went to last week, I can hook you up with her if you want."

"Not happening."

"Why not?"

Lilith looked at the floor, kicking the tiled ever so slightly as she popped a chip into her mouth.

"'Cause, I don't feel like it."

"Why not?"

"I just don't."

Joan and Paula shared a knowing glance.

"Look me in the eye and say that again."

Lilith groaned, blue eyes shifting upwards before she muttered, "I don't feel like it."

"Why not?"

"I answered that already."

"Why not?" Paula said, deciding to help Joan and press on.

"'Cause..."

"'Cause...?"

Lilith frowned, sharp features turning harsher than they already were.

"I see what's going on here, Lil." Joan put her head on the girl's shoulder, neck craning. "Who's the lucky girl?"

The redhead's expression softened and she slumped onto her friend.

"The one I was talking to outside." Her voice was soft, barely a whisper. But girls like Lilith had to get used to talking in hushed voices and hurried murmurs.

Love was a dangerous thing for girls like Lilith.

"Will you tell us her name?" Paula leaned on the wall by her right, effectively sandwiching the girl.

"Eve."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Eve's so thirsty, she's just hella repressed :)


	3. Chapter 3

"All students please gather at the gymnasium for some announcements." Mary's voice rang over the speakers.

As student council president, most of her mornings were spent in the nun's office, going over papers for school events, speaking through the announcement system, and snooping through files to get dirt on people she saw as beneath her.

How did Eve know about all this? Mary herself would tell her and Elizabeth while they did each other's hair, shedding her holier-than-thou exterior whenever they were safely tucked away in her room.

"Let's go?" Elizabeth said, getting up from the bench. The gym was far from the courtyard and if they wanted to make it there in time, they'd have to go now.

"Mmhm." Eve packed her books and they left the courtyard, listening to her friend blab on about the boy she was meeting in secret.

Boyfriends were against the rules. Having one would lead to dire consequences, that included, but we're not limited to: a conference with your parents, a lecture on chastity, a lecture on God's plan for man and woman, a lecture on marriage, and a forced separation of the student that was caught and the boy.

Girlfriends were also against the rules. Though the consequences of having one were much worse than the other. Punishment for that _might_ include, but isn't limited to: a lecture on God's plan for man and woman, a lecture on marriage, becoming a social pariah, being sent to conversion therapy, being disowned by your parents, or death, either by their hand or yours.

"You know, if you're not careful, you could end up pregnant."

The girl only scoffed at the notion. "As if! He always pulls out before finishing, so we'll be fine."

They turned a corner and were nearly separated as others entered alongside them.

"Besides," Elizabeth before she went off to find her section's line, "if he gets me pregnant, then he can't leave!"

Eve found her place in line and wondered if a child would compel him to stay with her or make him hate her for tying him down.

After all, she often heard her mother and her friends complain about the unfaithful husbands they were forced to stay with, complaining about how men hated settling down.

They would warn her not to trust boys, not to date them, while still silently knowing that one day, she would end up just like them, obligated with children they never wanted and unhappily married with men they could never leave lest they anger their God.

But of course, it sounded terrible when you said it like that.

Eve was certain it was better experienced than she thought it to be.

At least, she liked to hope it was.

They would get their just rewards in heaven, or so the women thought, sipping at their wine and laughing at the picture of their husbands and their mistresses burning in hell fire.

Eve knew however, from hushed sobs she would hear, late, late into the nights her father wasn't home that they were all insecure, sad, angry, and so, _so,_ unfulfilled.

They didn't have the youth or beauty of their husband's mistresses.

They wept at the love letters they used to get with promises of eternal love.

They were angry for being treated like they were disposable.

But most of all they felt cheated, robbed of the futures they should have had.

Eve's mother was going to be a realtor agent before she decided to be a housewife instead.

Her friend, Nancy, was supposed to be an English teacher before she got married to her brother's friend.

And her friend, Amy, a nineteen year old fresh out of high school, was supposed to take a degree in arts before she got pregnant near the end of her senior year.

It was all Eve could think about while the set up for what seemed like an abrupt student assembly happened around her.

This was her future.

And she was going to have to grin and bear it if she wanted to keep her precious God's love.

She was usually able to forget about what awaited her after graduation. With years of practice, finding something else to put her mind to wasn't so hard.

But Elizabeth chattering on about her new boyfriend had made the topic unavoidable. And while Eve was able to tune a good deal of it out, her friend had simply teased her, saying she was so distracted because she had a boyfriend of her own to think about.

In reality, she was thinking about Lilith.

What she had heard of her from Mary, from the other gossiping girls, and what she thought she was like from her own experience.

(And, just maybe, her mind still lingered on the sliver of skin that had revealed itself when she stretched. But that stays between us.)

The speeches and announcements went through one ear and exited the next as Eve had yet to pull her head from the clouds, hearing all that was said but not registering a word.

When the people around her stood, she rose a second later, not fully out of her daze. Though the moment they left the gym, she could tell something important had happened.

"I can't believe they're really doing this to us," a girl she passed by lamented, "it's like they think we're first graders or something."

The grumbling came from everyone in the halls but Eve had yet to hear enough to understand it all.

"There you are!" Mary said, pushing through a small crowd to get to her.

"What did you think of the announcement?" She panted, cheeks bright pink and devoid of their usual cover-up. The morning announcements must have given her no time to do her make up.

"I didn't hear it, the girls next to me were too noisy." That was partially true, Eve reasoned to herself, she really hadn't heard anything but not because of the noise.

"Just tell me what I need to know."

"Alright," Mary sighed, though she wasn't sure if it was one of frustration or if she was just out of breath. If the courtyard was far from the gym, more so the nun's office.

"Basically, the nuns have created a sort of buddy system where two girls would be paired together, given the same schedule, and are tasked with watching over each other and reporting any offences they commit." She explained as they strolled leisurely through the cloisters.

"They say it's to keep us from temptation and build a sense of community..." She leaned in closer to whisper. "But between you and me, it's so that they can find out who started the fire."

"What's gonna happen to them?"

"Hmm?"

"The people who started the fire, I mean."

"Going by word of mouth, they're going to be expelled and maybe even sued." Eve could hardly believe the excitement in Mary's voice. A court case would only lead to more papers to peek at for her and endless suffering to the girl who it was for.

"But that's not what I came here to talk about," she said, crowd around them thinning.

"I just wanted to warn you."

"What?"

"You got paired with Lilith Damien, you know, the troublemaker?" She put in her locker combination and yanked her bag out. "She's one of the suspects and even if she wasn't, she's still a bit of a problem student."

"Okay, but why'd you need to warn me? I don't think she's going to hurt me, that would get her suspended."

Mary raised a no longer so perfect eyebrow at her, green eyes narrowing. The look she sent her made Eve feel like was nothing more than a daft cow or a brain dead five year old.

"You don't know that! Look, I'm warning you become she's... well, you know." Mary's tone softened in implication.

"She's what?"

"That she's, you know," She nudged Eve with her elbow, hard bone pressing into her soft sides rather painfully.

"No, Mary, I don't know. Just tell me."

"Alright, alright. The thing is, Lilith's a," she cupped a hand to Eve's ear and leaned in close, her breath hot as her small bust pressed against her friend's arm, "lesbian."

The word was uttered like it was a curse, despicable and dirty. No better than a disease that plagued the weak-willed and the depraved.

And to Mary, it was just that.

Eve visibly paled at the word, going completely stiff as nerves took over her body.

"I know, I'm just as disgusted out as you are."

"H-How did you even know?" Her palms grew damp and her fingers reached for her hair instinctively, twiddling with the ends and wrapping it around her finger so strongly that the tip turned a vivid red.

"Margaret said she saw her and the exchange student making out in the library last year."

"Ah..." Eve didn't know the validity of Margaret's claims, but if she was basing it off of past experience, it wasn't much more than the gum on her shoe.

"So be careful, okay? I don't want you being taken advantage of..."

As mean as Mary could be sometimes, Eve knew she had her best interests at heart and nodded, if only for show.

They may have only met, but she trusted Lilith enough to know that she wouldn't intentionally harm her.

"Good. I'm gonna go, can you head to class on your own?"

"I'll be fine," Eve said, Mary promptly leaving after.

She had arrived just in time for Sister Eunice entered the moment she sat down.

The next few hours were spent in a constant state of questioning, paying little to no mind to what was being taught.

Was she now scared of Lilith because she was rumored to be a.... _that_? (Not even in the privacy of her mind could she say that word. It was as if evem thinking it would be an admission of some sort. Though one does not need an admission to be a _that_ _._ ) She didn't think herself to be. After all, it was fine to have homosexual thoughts, as long as you didn't act on them.

Though apparently, Lilith had already acted on the thoughts... this didn't quite faze Eve either.

Was that going to pose a problem?

 _"Probably not,"_ she reasoned to herself.

Mary told Eve to be careful, not scared.

Did that say anything about Eve? For her own sake, she hoped not.

Even in her most absurd thoughts did she think that Lilith could be a _that._

She looked nothing like the ones they were taught about. She didn't have short hair, or tattoos, or piercings. She wasn't ugly to the point that she would repulse men. Far from it.

Eve thought she looked gorgeous. Who wouldn't? With her sharp, alluring features mixed with soft skin and fiery, red hair that shone beautifully in the sun, the girl could have anyone.

In fact, she wouldn't be surprised if she found out that Lilith already had a boyfriend.

Just disappointed.

Though, of course, she would never admit this.

Not even to herself.

Similar things flitted in and out of her mind until the lunch bell forced her back to reality.

"Class dismissed, girls." The nun packed her papers and left, other's quickly following suit.

Since it was Tuesday, Eve didn't share her lunch block with Mary or Elizabeth.

For her, this meant either awkwardly asking someone if she could sit at their table, or skipping the humiliation altogether and sneaking her food into the library.

Today, she opted for the second option. She got in line, grabbed two sandwiches and left, all the while stuffing them into her messenger bag.

"Good afternoon, Sister Deborah."

"Welcome back, Eve." The elderly nun by the front desk said to her softly, quite used to her presence here.

The nun's would never let it on, but it was an unspoken truth between them that Eve was a favourite of theirs. All who taught her knew she was an absolute delight. She was smart, well-mannered, pious, and all around a _good girl._

The blonde made her way to her usual seat, waving at Sister Anne on the way. She was one of the few nuns here to have taken a vow of silence, thus the usual greetings wouldn't do.

Eve got to her spot, only to find that it had been taken up by what had occupied her mind all day.

"Lilith."

"Something you need, Eve?" She was smirking, leaning deeper into the plush armchair, positioning herself in such a way could almost be considered lounging, a show of relaxation she should covet.

Now, in most situations, Eve could be considered a pacifist. She was rarely assertive, never wanting to cause a fuss. It was considered rude, improper, and it just wasn't what a good Christian would do, disturb others.

There were very few things in the world she would stand up for.

This was one of them.

"That's my spot."

Lilith's eyes widened at that, then a short bark of laughter that echoed through the silent space came from her and she rose.

"And so it is."

She then sank into the armchair beside it, the scratchy one, if Eve remembered correctly, and melted into it, seemingly unaffected by the patchy fabric.

"Thank you." Eve sat down in her rightful place only after smoothing her skirt over, bag plopped onto her lap.

She was about to pull out the food when she was suddenly reminded of Lilith's presence by the all too familiar sound of shifting cloth.

As good an actor she was, the itch would get her soon enough.

"You know, you don't need to sit in an armchair. Just bring a stool over or try a different one." Eve said, trying to be helpful by stating the obvious.

"I could do that, yeah," Lilith shrugged, "but that would mean that of all the things to lose to, I lose to a chair, so I'd rather not."

"Who said everything had to be a competition?"

"Who said that everything _wasn't_ a competition?" Lilith tapped her temple, a smirk once again etching itself onto her features.

Eve decided to play along, crossing her arms in pretend dominance. "I said so."

"And why should I listen to you?"

"Who else would you listen to?" She quipped, sharp but friendly.

The two giggled this and continued their back and forth banter, unaware of the time til Eve's eyes had strayed from Lilith's to the clock on the desk.

"Ah, the sandwiches!" Eve said in a panic, removing her arms that were pressed against her bag, surely squishing the bread.

Too worried about the mayonnaise getting all over her notebooks, she yanked them out of her bag, not bothering to think as to why she had hid them there in the first place.

"My, oh my, someone has brought food into the library," Lilith whispered, a look of mock scandal adorning her face.

"What? N-No, I was just-" Eve glanced around frantically, as if an alibi would appear on the painting of Saint Joan of Arc strung up on the wall.

 _"Think of something. Say something, you idiot!"_ Her eyes bounced from wall to wall and she found herself reaching for her hair once more.

At the genuine fear on her face, Lilith's smile dropped. "Hey, it's fine, don't worry about it. I'm kidding, Eve, really."

"I'm sorry. I don't do this often, I swear, it's just embarrassing to eat lunch alone so I thought-"

"Really, it's fine. I'm not gonna tell anybody." Lilith said, voice soft and soothing as she could make it. "Hell, I've done _way_ worse than sneak some sandwiches in. You've got nothing to worry about here."

"Like what?"

Lilith held out her pinky. "Promise not to tell anyone?"

"I promise." Eve nodded, her own pinky reaching for Lilith's.

It sounded horrible, but hearing about how others had done worse would always make her feel better, superior. It would serve as a small reassurance that she'd yet to hit rock bottom.

Though she wasn't exactly certain she hadn't hit it already for the feeling of Lilith's finger intertwined with her was enough to send her spiralling.

"Okay, then." She leaned in close, bright hair brushing Eve's shoulders as the girl's warm fingers rested on her flushed cheek, cupping the small space between her ear and her mouth, hot breath nearly wracking Eve's body with uncontrollable and unexplainable shivers.

It felt so different from when Mary would whisper to her, though if asked to put it into words how, all you'd get was a few false starts and heavy, thought-filled silence.

The overwhelming sensation of it all nearly blocked out Lilith's words, though when they finally settled in, an explosion wouldn't have been able to block it out.

"Oh. That's... worse." It was all she could muster.

How could she possibly reply to that?

The girl laughed, an uneasy and regret filled noise that seemed so strange coming from her.

"I won't tell anyone, as promised." Eve rubbed at her pinky finger. If she wasn't mistaken, Lilith had either applied hand sanitizer just before she showed up or her hands were just so naturally soft.

"We've got about five minutes of lunch left, so if you wanna gobble those up real fast, I can be blind for a good three minutes."

She let out a breathless laugh, unwrapping the bread and offering the other to Lilith.

"What's in it?"

"Just some eggs and mayo."

"Sweet." She sat back down in her chair and they ate in silence, Eve still a bit too shaken to go back to their previous banter.

After, they shoved the mayo stained tinfoil wrapper into their pockets, crinkling with every step, their own inside joke.

The air hung heavy with unvoiced tension, as if the whispered words were a haunting presence just behind them as they walked to class.

At some point, their hips bumped together and much to their surprise, Eve burst into hysterical laughter at the noise that was crushed tinfoil.

With that, the awkwardness dissolved. They were closer now. Bonded by secrets and sandwiches and itchy armchairs.

Eve would rather have a hundred late detentions than have this moment taken from her.

And, as she would later come to know, so would Lilith. 


	4. Chapter 4

"Listen up, girls!" Sister Lydia said, smacking her ruler on the blackboard to draw everyone's attention.

A few students visibly cringed at the noise, faces scrunching up in distaste. Eve never quite understorey why that was. If anything, the sound of the wood against the board would snap her mind back to the lesson instead of letting her mind float off for the rest of the subject.

"Today will mark the beginning of the new system we've put in place" She tapped the ruler against her palm as she paced around the board.

"Your next period will be dedicated to assigning you your partner and your new schedule which will be effective this coming Monday."

A low whisper rang through the class, some excited, others... not quite. Though they were quickly hushed by another hit of the ruler.

"Now, a few ground rules before you find out who you got assigned to. This is system was made to keep you and your partner from sin. You are to build trust, camaraderie, and friendship, yes, however first and foremost, you are there to keep each other out of trouble.

"You are to guard one another and report any wrong doing you see them commit and any rule they break. This may seem like a cruel thing to do, subjecting your friend to scolding and disciplinary measures, but what you need to understand is that it's all for your own good.

"Do you understand this?"

"Yes, Sister Dolores." The girls spoke in a machine-like unison, voices indistinguishable from one another. The habit had been drilled into them after nearly four years of studying here.

How long it would take them to unlearn that was what Eve pondered as they all lined up and left, silent and eagerly nervous to meet their new partner.

Her amber eyes scanned every girl carefully. By now, Mary had told her who had ended up with who, and nothing would surprise her.

Tabitha was paired with Esther, she remembered as the girl wondered aloud who she got. Eve could only imagine how careless the nuns were when picking partners for the girls who weren't suspected of arson.

Esther had put a wad of gum into Tabitha's hairbrush while they were in the locker room, leading to the girl sobbing her eyes out as the hair she'd grown out for three years was reduced to a pixie cut.

It was stated in the handbook that girls were to have their hair meet their shoulders and we're not to have it any shorter. Though the nuns had to make an exception due to the rather delicate situation.

She could only hope that Tabitha would graduate with _some_ hair left.

Susanna was paired with Rachel, which Eve thought explained the upset look on her face as she exited the nun's office with her new schedule.

Susanna had stolen Rachel's boyfriend the year prior. In response, Rachel destroyed her bag, as well as all the books and homework in it, making her flunk four subjects that semester and ultimately making her lose her scholarship.

The relationship didn't even last six months.

"Eve Peccator." A Sister called from the door, her voice wavering and her hands shaking with the weight of the years and the wooden clipboard.

How long has she been here?

How long has it been since she dedicated herself to God?

How long has it been since she lived for her and her alone?

She shook the thoughts from her head and entered the office, prepared to hear news that was no longer news to her.

"Eve, dear, have a seat." Mother Cecelia said, the cup of tea she held in her hands removed from her lips to reveal a saccharine smile. A smile with a tad bit of extra teeth that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Now, I'm sure you know what you're here for," she pulled down her reading glasses from where they rested on her habit and opened a folder on her table, "so let's cut to the chase, yes?"

Eve nodded curtly.

Mother Cecilia, from what Eve knew, was a kind yet strict woman who had no tolerance or capacity for lies and deceit.

"Alright then, dear. You'll be paired with Lilith Damien. We've created a schedule for the both of you to follow, effective on Monday. Is that clear?"

Eve nodded again, the soft curls of her golden hair swaying ever so faintly as she did so.

"Good. Well, you've already been informed of this but I'll repeat it for the sake of clarity, but if Lilith is to admit to or does or even _plans_ to do anything wrong, you are required to report it to us, no matter how small or long ago this wrongdoing seems to be." She closed the folder in her hands and slid it over to the girl.

Eve took it, but remained seated, bug-eyed and expectant of the other to say more, particularly awaiting for the woman to mention that they were using her to catch the perpetrator of the kitchen fire.

"Well? Do you have any questions? If not, then you may leave inform Sister Priscilla to send in the next girl."

But nothing came.

"Of course. Thank you for your time, Mother Cecilia."

She couldn't quite understand at the time what she felt at that moment, being used as a means to an end without her supposed knowledge, but she would later come to recognize that the feeling that tugged at her heart and nagged at her mind was that of her faith in the people who ran the school shattering into infinitesimal fragments she wouldn't be able to piece together if her very soul depend on it.

* * *

"Well?" Elizabeth asked the moment she sat down for lunch.

"Well, what?"

The brunette let out a huff, clearly exasperated. "Well, do we share any classes?"

Her neatly manicured hand waved her folder in the girl's face to drive the point home.

"Oh yeah." Eve pulled the papers out of her bag, passing them over without so much as a second glance. Her mind had yet to fully comprehend the lie by omission that Mother Cecilia had told her earlier.

Was she not a woman of faith?

Was she not the same woman who had so often chided others for lying?

There had to be something in her vows that prohibited lying, right?

Her thoughts were put to an end by Elizabeth's excited squeal.

"Oh thank God! We share English and chemistry at least." She tossed the papers back to her friend. "Me and Mary don't have a single class together!"

"Are there even enough classes for that to be possible?"

"Right?" Elizabeth slumped onto the table, miserable. As fun as she could be, she wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, and would often cheat off her cousin, Mary.

Cheating was explicitly stated as grounds for expulsion on the fifth page of the student handbook, but really, who cared about that when they were failing math?

"At least we share lunchtime. You're on your own there."

"Wait, really?" Her mind had been too occupied to even check the schedule after what had happened and she had neglected to check the papers altogether.

"Yeah! Didn't you check mine?" Eve's eyes flicked over to the unopened folder that she only now realized had been placed in front of her.

"Sorry, Liz..." She put her juice down, sighing. "I've just been distracted today."

"Today?" Elizabeth said in disbelief.

"You're distracted all the time!" 

"Is that anything new for Eve?" Mary chimed in as she arrived, immaculately shaped brow raised.

"But it's a different distracted now! It wasn't this bad before."

"Is there something you're not telling us, Eve?" Mary teased.

"No way! I tell you guys everything."

"Do you?" The girl pressed on, brow raising even more.

"Oh! I know what you're hiding!" Elizabeth chirped, giggling as she scooted over to whisper to Eve.

"You have a boyfriend!"

The blonde nearly spit out her drink.

"I do _not_ have a boyfriend."

"I don't know..." said Mary. "That violent reaction says otherwise."

The two girls cackled and sang childish rhymes about trees and kissing, and marriage and baby carriages, as their friend groaned, flushing up to the tips of her ears in embarrassment.

"I promise, I don't have a boyfriend."

"Prove it!" Elizabeth leaned on Eve, effectively pressing her body to the table in an attempt to crack the girl.

"Think about it for a sec, Liz." The hardness of the metal was digging into her, the flimsy fabric of her uniform not doing much to cushion her from the dull ache of it as it bit into her skin. "If I had a boyfriend, why would I try to hide it from you?"

"We're friends, so I don't need to worry about you guys ratting me out or stealing him."

Mary put her spoon down, humming. "She has a point."

"Hey!" Elizabeth was off her in an instant. "Whose side are you on?"

"I'm just here for the show." She chuckled once more. "Besides, as student council president, I can't take sides. It would be very diplomatic of me."

"Oh, c'mon! Can't you make an exception for your favourite cousin?"

"Who said you were my favourite cousin?"

"I'm your only cousin!"

"Are you?"

As they fought amongst themselves, she couldn't help but let her thoughts go astray.

_"Oh God,"_ Eve thought to herself, _"_ _if they find out..."_

She pushed the thought to the back of her mind.

There was nothing for them to find out.

There was nothing that made her different from them.

There was nothing for her to worry about.

Not yet.


	5. Chapter 5

"Class dismissed."

The moment those words were spoken, the girls gathered their books and their bags, eager to leave and enjoy their two day holiday.

"And don't forget to read the book of leviticus over the weekend!" Sister Dolores followed up before leaving herself.

Unlike most other girls in her class, Eve didn't feel the need to rush. She wasn't reliant on the school bus. Her aunt had given her an adorable bike with a darling woven basket on the front, her name delicately written in cursive on a sign that hung from it.

She had to get home soon, however, for she would need to laundry her gym uniform to have it dried and pressed by Monday to accommodate the change in schedule.

The girl made her way to the bike rack near the school's gate, only occasionally slowing down to step on a crunchy looking leaf.

She had just stomped on another one, but instead of hearing the crackle of the leaf, all she heard was a very familiar laugh.

"Having fun?"

"Lilith!" She said, whipping her head up to look at the other, smile wide and cheeks flushed.

"Took you long enough," The girl said teasingly, grin just as wide as the other's, if just a bit more knowing, a bit more _aware_.

She hopped off of Eve's bike and began to unchain hers from the bars. "Lemme guess, you have Dolores as last period?"

"Yeah, sorry." The blonde couldn't help but notice how sweaty her hands shook as she undid the locks of her bike. "If I knew you were waiting, I would have hurried."

"Aw, really?"

"Yes, really." She plopped her bag into the front basket. "It's not polite to keep people waiting."

"Good point, but," Lilith got up from the ground, dusting off her skirt to shake the loose gravel out of it, "am I not also being rude for showing up announced?"

"Okay, but what's the point in being rude to someone even if they were rude to you first?"

The other chuckled, loud and musical and magnificent. Eve couldn't pry her eyes away from her if it meant salvation itself.

"Well, even if it was rude, I'd still wait. At least, for you I would."

Those words reached into Eve, stealing the breath from her lungs and taking the ever-present fear in her mind along with it, leaving only hellfire in her heart and her cheeks.

 _"Okay. Calm down, this is perfectly fine."_ Eve tried to reason to herself.

_"_ _It's_ _just some friendly banter..._ _with_ _someone who's rumored to be a... That."_

Eve mulled over her this, weighing the pros and cons in her mind carefully.

She wasn't doing anything _wrong._

After all, there wasn't anything in the bible that forbid her from chatting with a friend, right?

It could _maybe_ count as a sin if they spoke about inappropriate stuff, but they weren't talking about anything close to that so they should be fine, right?

Right?

_"Wait how long has it_ _been_ _since_ _I_ _said something?"_

"So why were you waiting for me, anyway?" Her voice was hushed, response clipped and snappy in tone, despite not wanting to come across as such.

Lilith's smile faltered, if only momentarily.

"Oh, I spilled soup over my envelope while looking over it during lunch so I was hoping to copy yours."

"Right now?"

"I could come over tomorrow if you're really rushing, but I don't know where you live."

"Do you know how to get to Eden Street? Ours is the seventh one on the street with the pale blue walls."

"Crap. I'm sorry, I've never been to that side of town."

"Okay, you know what, why don't you just come home with me and copy it when we get there?"

_"Oh God, why did_ _I_ _say that?!"_

"I have to get home by 4:30 and it's Friday so I'll be doing laundry."

"That works for me," The redhead said, beaming. "Lead the way!"

The ride to Eve's house was spent in silence, the speed at which they went and the occasional gust of autumnal wind, refreshing as it may be, was not the friendliest when it came time to hold a conversation.

Eve was ahead of Lilith, more familiar with the roads and all it's twists and turns and cracks.

She slowed down, however, when she realized that it had been more than a minute since she heard the metallic ringing of Lilith's bicycle bell break through the silence. But even then her ears still hadn't picked up on anything other than the breeze.

Eve didn't stop, rather, she hazard a look back and was immediately mesmerized.

Just a bit or so behind her was Lilith, her long, fiery hair flowing in the wind along with her pleated, blue skirt, the partially obscured sun that beat down on them made the girl's soft skin gleam, her-

"Fuck!"

Before Eve could do a thing, she went flying off her bike, courtesy of a large rock in the middle of the road, hands and knees skidding on the asphalt as she tried to brace herself.

"Eve!"

Lilith pulled the brakes and rushed over to the fallen girl, leaving her bike.

"Holy shit, are you okay?"

The adrenaline of all that had just happened had diverted her attention away from the pain, her scraped up palms clapsed firmly over her mouth.

"What's wrong? Did you hit your lip? Your hands?" She gently pried Eve's hands away from her mouth, to observe the damage.

"I said a curse word..."

"What?" Lilith asked, incredulous. "Of all the things you should be worried about, that's number one on the list?"

"It's against the rules!"

"So?"

"So I broke the rules."

"No, you didn't."

"What? Yes, I did."

"Eve, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

"You were right behind me, how could- oh."

She laughed, despite the violent sting in her hands and the aching in her hands, she laughed, carefree and unhindered by the expectation to be quiet, dainty and delicate, unhindered by the need to be ladylike, she laughed like she hadn't laughed in years.

They sat in the middle of the road, letting loose in each other's company, snorting and cackling like madwomen, inelegant, and nowhere near refined or graceful.

And they didn't care.

"Eve, we gotta get up. Like now. Before we get hit by a bus."

"Yeah. I should probably get home and put some band-aids on these too."

She tried to get up by planting her hands on the ground to push her up, barely stopping herself in time.

"Need some assistance?"

"Yes, please," Eve said, arms going out towards the girl with her palms facing down, as if she were to be handcuffed.

Lilith grabbed the other by her wrists, careful not to let her fingers brush against any raw skin, and yanked her upward, muttering a quick apology as Eve had to bend her knees a bit too much for her comfort.

"Can you still ride the bike? Or do you just wanna walk the rest of the way?"

"We're too far for walking, so I'm gonna have to stick it out." She shrugged, walking over to her bicycle to try and turn it over.

"Let me get that for you." Lilith propped it up, picked up the book bag by it, and chucked it in the basket.

"You can barely bend your knees, I think it's better for us to share a bike."

"What about the other bike?"

"I think I have an idea."

Lilith had begrudgingly revealed that she had yet to get rid of her training wheels, which meant that all they needed to do was attach the bikes with a chain and they would be on their way.

"Hop on and hold on, blondie!" She sat in Eve's seat and patted the small, metal rack in the back. "I'm getting you home by 4:30 if it kills me!"

Eve smoothed out her skirt and took a seat, laughing. "Okay, we're ready to go!"

"Not yet, you're not."

Lilith reached behind her, soft hands seeking out the unscathed parts Eve's arms, making them wrap around her petite waist, her back pressed flush against the other's front.

"There we go!"

Before she could protest, they took off, making her clutch Lilith even tighter than she had been earlier.

 _"Focus."_ Eve told herself. _"You have to_ _give_ _her directions, so you_ _can't_ _space out."_

_"It's what got_ _you_ _into_ _this_ _situation in the first place."_

She didn't know whether or not that was something she should be grateful for or not, though she certainly didn't mind the gentle caress of her soft, red hair or the faint scent of the other's apple shampoo fillings her senses.

* * *

_"_ _She's_ _so warm..."_

The thought popped into Lilith's mind unprompted, the thin fabric of their uniforms doing nothing to lessen the feel of the other's soft chest and heat.

"Take a right," Eve whispered to her, breath tickling Lilith's ear ever so slightly.

She could feel the other's fingers shift every so often from where they rest on her waist. All the could do was clutch at the bike handle, trying to suppress the violent shiver that tried to make it's way through her.

"Another right by that street sign."

Her ear was less than a centimeter from Eve's lips.

The space between the two was simultaneously too close and too far for Lilith's liking. A small bump in the road could easily close the infinitesimal yet gargantuan gap between her ear and her lips.

It would be so easy to just-

 _"No."_ Lilith steeled herself. _"If ever_ _I_ _get a kiss from Eve, it_ _can't_ _be an accident._ _I'm_ _not_ _that kind_ _of_ _person."_

"Go straight ahead until we reach the post box then take a left."

She slowed ever so slightly during turns, taking special care not to jolt them too much when they drove over the rare speed bump.

She wasn't going to get a kiss from Eve in such a backhanded manner.

_"Not_ _like_ _this."_

Despite her rather turbulent thoughts, the streets here were serene, silent save for the crunch of leaves under the wheels of the bike and a dog bark every so often.

"Lilith?"

"Hmm?"

Eve laughed, chest rumbling against her back, breathy and barely above a whisper yet Lilith knew the noise would play over and over in her mind.

"You still have your training wheels."

She spoke in a hushed voice, akin to how they did in the library, as if they were sharing secrets.

"Yeah."

Lilith couldn't help but chuckle as well. While it wasn't something she bragged about, the way the other said it made it sound like it was some salacious piece of gossip.

"'S there a problem with that?"

"Nope." She could practically _hear_ the smile in her voice. "Will you tell me why you use them, though?"

"I use them because I need them." Lilith teased. She was going to make her work for the answer to this.

"You know that's not what I meant."

"Yeah? Tell me what you meant, then."

"I _meant,_ why do you need them?"

"I never learned how to ride without the training wheels."

"And why is that?"

Lilith chuckled once more.

"Is this an interview?"

"No fair! I was specific, so now you have to answer."

"Do I?"

"Hmph." Eve huffed playfully, but didn't press on.

Or so Lilith thought, til the girl's fingers began moving up and down her waist, deathly light movements ghosting over her sides in an attempt to make her shiver.

"Tell me or I'll tickle you."

"I'd like to see you try."

Eve wouldn't dare... would she?

"You shouldn't though." Lilith added for extra measure. "We'll end up falling off and I don't think you can handle that so soon after your last tumble."

"I can take a lot more than you think."

 _"Oh fuck."_ She gripped the handlebars for dear life, cheeks tinted a light pink. _"That's hot."_

Lilith could only hope that Eve couldn't feel her heart hammering with how close she was.

"We're here!"

And with that, her mind was unceremoniously yanked out of the gutter.

Even with the day half done, Lilith could tell it was gonna be a long one.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, just a heads up, the internalized homophobia is strong in this one, so do with that what you will.

"Hold on, I'll open the garage for you."

Lilith watched as Eve gingerly got off the bike and undid the latch on their fence, scurrying inside.

The two minutes she was gone felt like an eternity of waiting and unbearable silence, but then again, she always felt that way when left alone with her thoughts.

At least this time she had better thoughts to think.

In the quiet, Lilith could still feel the girl's soft, breathy laughter ringing in her ear.

Her shoulder was warm where Eve had pressed her cheek, the white fabric clinging to her skin. While she couldn't see it, she knew the previously pristine fabric that lay straight on her back had been wrinkled by their constant shifting, warm bodies rubbing together with ever gentle sway and cautious turn of the bike.

Each and every one of these thoughts fought to be at the forefront of her mind, til finally, one won.

_"Eve has freckles."_

The image of Eve's rosy cheek and the side of her small, straight nose, captured only in quick, sidelong glances when her eyes would occasionally flicker over, emerged, clear and vivid like a newly development photograph.

Later, on her ride home, she would sigh and lament her lack of company, thoughts returning to, and longing for Eve.

Her warmth.

Her laugh.

Her hands.

But that was for later.

"Come on in!" Eve said, raising the garage door with a playful flair.

"You can put your bike in here while we're inside."

"Thanks." She didn't know what to say. Lilith honestly hadn't planned this far. Really, all she had hoped for was a few extra minutes with the girl by the bike rack.

"Sorry I took so long," Eve began, "I had to tell mom that I was having a friend over, then she saw my knees, then she saw my hands, and I got myself an earful."

"Crap, really?"

"She doesn't want me using my bike anymore, says I'm too old to be getting my knees scrapped like a kid."

"Doesn't she know that accidents happen?" Lilith kneeled down to disconnect their bikes, fingers tracing mindlessly over the heated metal chains. "Not that it's any of my business, but your mom's acting like she's never been a kid before."

Eve shrugged, "I mean, even if I didn't get into an accident, she'll always find something to say about my bike."

"Why's that?"

"She doesn't like when I ride my bike. Says my legs will get muscles and my veins might show. Says that if I fall I could end up with scars."

"Would that be the end of the world?"

Lilith began to slowly unwind the chain, more careful than she would have otherwise been.

She just wanted a few more moments alone with Eve.

Just a few more.

"That's what I'm telling her!" Eve sighed, slumping down against the garage wall. "But I get where she's coming from; no man wants some buff girl with scars all over her body for a wife."

"So what?" She stood up, whipping her head around to face Eve.

"A few scars here and there won't turn you into some fucking spinster. And even if it did, you're better off alone than with some asshole who'll divorce you as soon as you get wrinkles."

Lilith spoke with a passion she knew she shouldn't be revealing, not to Eve, not until she was certain of her safety.

But she couldn't stop herself.

Just the thought of Eve, kind, compassionate, caring, timid yet witty Eve getting kicked to the curb the moment she was deemed undesirable filled her with this visceral rage she knew she had no right to feel.

Before she realized, before she could stop herself, despite wanting nothing more than to continue, Lilith was next to Eve, clutching her hands as if they were gold.

(And maybe they were worth just that to her. Perhaps even more.)

"You deserve better than that."

The words were out of her mouth in an instant. And while she couldn't take back the tender tone with which she spoke, she could at least be grateful she hadn't said more.

To Lilith's surprise, instead of recoiling with shock and disgust, the girl her squeezed back gently, a smile slowly making it's way onto her features.

"Thanks for the concern, Lilith, really." Eve let go of her hands and took a small step back, an indescribable look appearing in her usually cheerful, brown eyes.

"But I'll be fine."

It was then that Lilith recognized what she saw in Eve's eyes. For it was a look she had seen on herself not too long ago.

Denial.

Desperation.

Anguish.

And... yearning?

What Eve yearned so desperately for, however, she had no clue. Maybe freedom? From her mother, from the life that her mother wanted for her?

_"Or maybe..."_

No. She refused to finish the thought, unwilling to face another heartbreak so soon after the last.

"I know that God has a plan for me and I know in my mind that if I accept him as my divine ruler, he'll lead me to the right man."

If she weren't utterly crushed, Lilith would have laughed, either out of pity or the burden of knowing the three possibilities that awaited the poor girl before her.

Death by her own hand due to fear, due to sorrow, due to desperation or death by some sick "therapy" that was meant to cure this "ailment" that plagued her.

Misery in a loveless marriage, wasting away with some man she would never be able to love more than a friend, that is, if she was granted the small mercy that was a husbands she didn't completely loathe.

Or she could break away. She could accept who she was and run, never to look back.

Lilith could only hope Eve wouldn't perish too much.

"Anyways, let's go inside. My schedule's in there already."

"Okay."

* * *

The softness of Lilith's hands were mesmerizing, and Eve longed to run her fingers over her palm, tracing and feeling every indent, crevice, and vein til she could close her eyes and picture them exactly as they were, the warmth that came from her hands _nearly_ making her own melt into it's touch.

But Eve looked temptation in the eyes and denied it, gently prying her hands from it's clutches and making her way back to the path the Lord intended her to take...

No matter how reluctant she was to do so.

She and Lilith were quiet til they reacher her room, their eyes glued to the floor the whole way over.

The silence was suffocating and stifling the both of them as they waited for the other to break it.

She had to say something.

Immediately.

"Here's the schedule. You can sit at my desk while you copy it, I just need to sort my laundry."

_"No!_ _That_ _sounded so rude..."_

"At least now that my hands are all messed up, mom said she'll just take my clothes to the laundromat along with hers, so I actually have the afternoon off!"

Eve could only hope that her awkward attempt at lightening the mood would be enough to coax the dejection expression off Lilith's face.

"Yeah?" The girl said, her usual teasing making a comeback.

"So I guess you'll want me over every Friday so you can get out of doing work, huh?"

"Hmm, I'll think about it!" Eve teased back and grabbed her clothes bin out of the corner, dumping everything inside it on the floor for her to sort.

"That's good enough for me!"

Lilith plopped herself on Eve's desk chair in the same manner she did with all other chairs: exuding confidence and melting into it as if it were her own.

"Hey wait!"

"Yeah?" Eve separated her white button up uniform from her skirts, two neat piles of cloth by her feet.

"If you guys have the money for the laundromat, why do you even have to laundry your own clothes?"

The girl brought out her notebook, scribbling down the schedule haphazardly.

"I mean, it's important to to learn how to do it by hand incase it's really delicate or something, but you have to laundry your uniforms by hand _every_ week?"

"Uhm..."

"Don't tell me you've never even asked y-"

"I did ask! It's just," Eve quickly buried her white bra in one of the piles as Lilith turned around, "I don't think you'll like the answer."

The redhead let out an exaggerated sigh that echoed through the room.

"Lemme guess, husband?"

"And children."

"Just tell your husband to buy you a washing machine or you'll divorce him."

Eve giggled her usual, reserved laugh, shaking her head while she searched her skirt pockets for loose change or any handkerchiefs she may have forgotten to take out.

"We covered this two weeks ago."

"What? We didn't even know each other two weeks ago!"

"No!" She said, laughter slightly louder. "The divorce and demand thing, dummy!"

"Huh?"

"Sister Jane said in CLE just a while ago: "The wife is not to make demands towards her husband, for it is by God's will that the men lead the women in their relationship." Or something similar to that anyway."

She found two pennies and a gum wrapper, putting them on her bedside table to dispose of later.

"And the divorce thing is pretty self-explanatory. If you were a true Christian, you'd find a way to make your marriage work instead of trying to break the sacred rite that God bestowed unto man."

"I wasn't really paying attention to that lesson."

"You need to!" Eve began folding the clothes with quick, practiced movements. "How are you gonna pass the test if you don't even know what's in it?"

"Just pick the least enjoyable option there, it's usually the right one."

"Okay, and what if the test isn't multiple choice?"

"Then I _write_ _down_ the least enjoyable I can think of." Lilith said, a smug look on her face.

At this point, she had abandoned even the pretense of writing, turning the chair around to talk to Eve as the papers she was copying were simply forgotten on the desk.

"Well sometimes, you have to do things that don't benefit you or aren't fun for the sake of going to heaven and saving your soul."

Now, even Eve had become too absorbed in the conversation to do her chores, her mind was racing to find ways to prove Lilith wrong, all the while trying to ignored how the sun that came in from her window made the girl looked _immaculate,_ hair glinting in the light as she lounged on the wooden chair.

"Well sometimes," Lilith said, getting up and casually strolling over to where Eve sat on her bed before kneeling down in front of her, "you have to do things that benefit you and make you feel happy to make life worth living."

Eve was so caught up in making a retort that she hadn't even noticed how close they were til she opened her mouth, carefully planned response dying on her lips the moment she felt Lilith's breath fanning her cheek.

There was barely five inches between them, but she couldn't be bothered to think about it, instead admiring what was in front of her.

She had such sharp, almost angry features. A tall, bridged nose, defined jawline, fierce brows and a slight widow's peak. But, if she searched for it, there was softness there too. Big, blue eyes, plump lips...

While Eve was lost in thought, it seemed that Lilith realized their closeness too, her usually half lidded eyes widening a fraction, a delicate blush appearing on her cheeks, reaching all the way to her ears and her collarbone.

Lilith had to stop herself from moving away, no longer feeling the need to as Eve seemed fine with it all, pleased even.

The girl kept herself still as a rock as Eve's pretty, brown eyes slowly moved over her, observing, memorizing.

Lilith was able to relax with time, however, shoulders becoming lax as, she too, allowed herself to look at Eve as she was doing to her.

There was so much she had yet to see with Eve. She had never seen Eve angry or indignant, and while she never wished too, she had never seen Eve sad.

So she focused on what she could see now. She was so pretty, Eve. Bright brown eyes that looked like honey when the light hit it just right, soft cheeks dotted with freckles.

Lilith vaguely wondered if there was a pattern to them, eyes shifting while her mind tried to form one.

Eve had such soft, cupid's bow lips, dainty and delicate and kissable...

Despite the both of them being aware of what was happening, they didn't move away from each other, simply content to look at each other in a tranquil silence, their bodies devoid of movement besides the shifting of their eyes, the soft rise and fall of their chests, and the erratic beating of their hearts.

The two girls stayed like that for who knows long, blue eyes staring into brohowawn, brown eyes staring right back.

Was it her imagination, or were they getting closer, and closer, and-

"Eve!" Her mother knocked on the door.

The girls backed away from each other, frantic, the sheets beneath Eve rustling with the sudden motion, Lilith falling onto her back in shock, knees giving out completely.

"I'm leaving in five minutes, so hurry it up, please. Have you finished separating the whites from the colored clothes?"

"A-Almost!"

"I'll be waiting down stairs, I have a bag to put them in so don't worry about that."

Eve listened to her mother's footsteps disappear, shame rising in her like bile.

_"We almost..."_

* * *

Lilith scurried back to the desk as Eve swiftly folded what was left of her clothing and left the room, leaving her to wallow in her misery.

What was she thinking?

They were right. Eve wasn't like her, or Joan, or Paula. She knew that she might have been wrong in hoping she was like them, but she risked it anyway.

But more importantly, what was going to _happen._

Would Eve report her? Would she get sent to some conversion camp in the middle of nowhere to get "fixed" up?

Lilith could feel her throat shut and her eyes well up.

This was it.

She was going to _die._

They were gonna strap her to some chair and electrocute her and pump her full of weird pills and she was going to die.

Lilith scrawled down what she needed to and started to pack up.

Would she be able to lie her way out of this? What was she even going to say when they asked her about what happened? She needed an alibi, she needed-

_"Joan."_

Joan would know what to do, right?

She always did when it came to this kind of stuff. She'd help her come up with something or, if worst came to worst, she had some friends two towns over where she could crash at while she thoughtful of where to run away to.

Lilith had to hurry though, Joan's parent's would be back by seven and they didn't like having people over for dinner, not unprepared anyway.

But before she could think about the quickest way to get to Joan's house, Eve came back.

"Have you finished writing down the schedule?" Her expression was unreadable, eyes downcast and voice monotone.

"We're having P.E. on Monday in case you didn't read."

"Thanks for the reminder..."

The short walk downstairs was reminisce of the walk up, silent and awkward, but instead of beating herself up for not keeping her mouth shut, Lilith's mind was filled with nothing but dread.

She got on her bike, ready to take off to Joan's house before Eve's voice cut through the deafening silence.

"Lilith?" The girl spoke from behind her, voice wavering.

She couldn't see Eve's face, though she briefly thought that it was better this way. Even if this girl would be the one to bring her death, there was a part of her that still didn't want to see her upset.

"Please... don't tell anything about today, yeah?"

Eve came up behind her, wrapping her arms around her waist, head burrowing into Lilith's shoulder.

"I didn't want it to come to this," Lilith could feel tears dripping down onto her shoulder, Eve's breath now shaky and uneven, "but if you tell the nuns I almost... if you tell them about what happened then..."

The girl's trembling fingers clutched at the sides of her uniform as she tried to recollect herself.

"I'll tell them that you started the fire."

"It's okay." Lilith gently pried Eve's arms off her, turning around to face her, grasping her hands just as she did earlier.

"I won't tell anyone."

She smiled as softly as she could, cupping the girl's face and wiping her tears away with her thumb.

Lilith realized something while Eve sobbed and shook in her arms.

Eve was scared.

Eve was scared, just like she was long ago, if not more so.

"Stop smiling!" The girl swatted her hands away, confused and crying even harder.

"You're supposed to be angry! I just tried to blackmail you!"

"Didn't you say that there's no point in being rude to someone, even if they were rude to you first?"

"Yes, but that's different! If I tell, you could be expelled, or sued, or-"

Lilith cut her off. "And what would happen to you if I told them about what went on today?"

"I won't tell anyone anything, but not because I'm scared of what you'll tell them, understand?"

Eve looked up at her, hiccuping still, though her tears had stopped, calmed by the promise of secrecy.

"I won't tell on you, 'cause I've been where you are right now and, say what you will, but I didn't not like earlier."

The girl had settled now, no more sobs or shaking, a shocked silence taking it's place.

"And technically, I didn't move away either so it's not just your fault."

"Wait, "I've been where you are." What do you mean by that?"

"I'm not- I can't-" She took a deep breath, composing herself as best as she could.

"I'm not _That._ "

Eve let go of her hands, stepping back.

"Thank you for trying to comfort me, but we aren't the same. I'm not like you. I'm not going to live the kind of sinful _lifestyle_ you're living."

Lilith's smile fell, heart shattering with the other's words.

"Okay." She muttered.

What else was there to say?

"Okay." Eve gave a half-hearted smile. "Thank you for not telling, though. I appreciate it."

The girl moved to open the garage doors, stiff, shoulders tense as she fiddled with her hair, a few strands coming off with how hard she tugged.

"Today was a mistake, and it won't happen again."

Every word she said felt like a stab to the chest. Lilith could feel the tears from earlier making a comeback and she gripped her handlebars for dear life, trying to will away the tears.

"Okay."

She could only hope Eve didn't hear the crack in her voice.

"Thanks again." Eve's voice was so perky, smile widening with every moment that passed.

_"Is she really this happy to have me_ _leave_ _?"_

"I'll see you on Monday!"

And with that, Lilith fled, peddling as fast as she could away from Eve.

* * *

Eve watched her disappear down the road, her hushed, hurt "okay" playing again and again in her mind.

The second she was gone, she slammed the garage door closed, sinking down and sobbing even strong than she had earlier.

"I'm sorry." She whispered to no one, to everyone, to herself, to Lilith.

"I'm so sorry."


	7. Chapter 7

It was just another regular Monday morning for Eve.

Except for the fact that it wasn't.

In the span of a day, the mere notion of normalcy had been stripped from her, the routine she valued flipped on it's head.

P.E. was now on Monday rather than Friday. Her last subject was history rather than English. She didn't even share a single lunch block with her friends, the only time she'd ever see them in school was in class or quick waves as they passed each other in the halls.

Eve dragged her feet to what would be her new homeroom, lamenting the sudden switch all the while.

Unfortunately, this was the least of her worries.

The biggest of her problems -- besides her sexuality, which she refuses to acknowledge or admit to -- sat in the third row, next to a window, eyes roaming over the worn, hardcover book in her hands.

Eve took a seat next to her, as casually as she could given what had happened just a few days ago and greeted her.

"Good morning." She managed to say, voice as stiff and tense as she was feeling.

"Hey..." The girl mutters back, blue eyes never leaving the paper.

Eve waited for her to continue, expecting her to say something, anything, only to be hit with an awkwardly silence, the only other noise coming from Lilith was the occasional turn of the page and an even rarer shift in her seat.

Why was she so disappointed by this?

Didn't she want Lilith to leave her alone?

Shouldn't she be happy Lilith was no longer paying her any mind.

She had no right to feel so dejected, especially considering Friday's events...

Her hands clutched the rosary around her neck as she thought back to that day.

The things she'd said made her want to shovel soap into her mouth.

Lilith trusted her, that day in the library, she trusted her with a daunting secret, one that could ruin her if word ever got out of it, all to make Eve feel better about herself.

And she destroyed that trust.

She _blackmailed_ someone.

Not just someone; she blackmailed _Lilith._

While Eve wept in the dim light of the garage, she could still picture Lilith's face so vividly, eyes glassy with unshed tears.

To her, she had no right to cry as hard as she had, but she did anyway.

Friday til Sunday, Eve would find her eyes tearing up the moment her mind was unoccupied.

She could only hope Lilith hadn't done the same.

* * *

She forced her eyes to her book, completely aware of how close Eve was to her, yet refusing to acknowledge it.

_"I should just be happy she_ _didn't_ _report me,"_ Lilith thought to herself, mindlessly turning the page of her book where she felt that enough time had passed.

In all truthfulness, her mind hadn't retained any of what she was reading the moment Eve had settled down next to her, eyes merely skimming what was on the paper.

Just being next to Eve affected her.

Without the distracting company of Joan and the comforting words of Paula, she could already feel her eyes welling up.

_"How dare she."_

The thought echoed in her mind as her vision blurred, eyes stinging, throat tightening, breathing barely controlled.

How dare what started as a mere infatuation worm it's way into her heart and turn into a crush, even making itself room to blossom into something more before being cruelly crushed by the weight of Eve's words.

How dare Eve turn her into this emotional wreck, stealing away the little stability she had left and replacing it with a wretched ache and a deep yearn, just as Sarah had all those months ago.

How dare Lilith herself allow this to happen, her guard lowering and her heart longing, still weary from what had happened before yet not the slightest bit used to it.

She had wasted an entire weekend lamenting what could have been and crying over what she thought was there while Eve had probably moved on from what happened after an hour had passed.

 _"But,"_ she thought, slowly blinking away the rising tears before they could escape her, _"_ _I_ _still_ _don't_ _want_ _to_ _see her cry."_

Even though she had spent her nights sobbing into her pillow, chest heaving and hicupping, she couldn't bring herself to wish that same heartache onto Eve.

And that scared her.

Maybe it was because she knew herself as a petty and spiteful person.

Maybe it was because she knew only one other person who she could never wish harm unto.

Maybe it was the implication of it all. She knew what it meant, not to want pain to befall Eve despite her wishing it on so many others.

And that scared her, too.

However, wallowing in her misery would have to wait, the nun arriving to start the class off with a morning prayer and daily reminders before they went their own separate ways.

* * *

With all the guilt that gnawed at her, Eve would admit that she had only been half listening to the announcements, though her mind came crashing back down to earth soon enough when a form was passed back to them.

"You and your partner will also have to be in the same club." Sister Deborah said, pacing by her desk to the front row back and forth. 

"This is to ensure that as long as you are inside school property, you will never be separated for too long."

The woman finally took a seat after she saw that the papers had reached even the very back, satisfied.

"So I suggest that you all talk it over now and try to find a compromise so that sign-ups won't take too long later." She swiftly put on her reading glasses and pulled out some papers, a clear sign that they were allowed to speak as long as they weren't too noisy.

_"This is my_ _chance_ _,"_ She thought, eager to try and break the ice, and hopefully making up for what had happened before by choosing a club that Lilith would like.

Eve turned to face her, expectant, though immediately disappointed to learn that Lilith was still reading.

She had to say _something,_ Eve reasoned, so she might as well use this as an excuse.

"So, do you have any idea what club you wanna join?" Her voice came out squeaky and strained, the sound of it making her wince.

No response.

"I'm open to anything, really, so you can sign us up wherever you like." She sounded desperate, even to herself, the embarrassment that was being ignored slowly rising in her stomach, spreading to her chest, and at last reaching her cheeks, painting her a splotchy, shameful red.

Finally, after an agonizing second of deafening silence, Lilith turned to her and spoke.

"Sorry, what?"

Eve sighed, not even knowing she had been holding her breath, relief flooding her.

"I was asking about what club you wanted to join," She said, the smile she had plastered on earlier for appearances sake becoming more and more real by the second.

"They said that we have to stick together during club time, too."

"Oh, okay."

"So, do you know which club you want to be in yet? They gave us a list along with the sign-up sheet." She nudged the back of Lilith's hand with the paper.

_"This is it! We're talking again!"_

Her mental hoorah didn't last for long, however, Lilith's response cutting the conversation short.

"I'm fine with whatever."

The dismissive reply rendered her silent and scrambling for any loose thread of conversation she could continue.

Her amber eyes landed on the book Lilith held with such reverence, and Eve grasped that remaining thread with a vigor.

She wanted back her bold, talkative, and boisterous Lilith.

She wanted back the girl who'd tease her in the library, the girl who'd insisted she ride on the back of her bike when she got it injured, the girl who lent her a pair of oven mitts on that cold autumn morning.

She wanted back the girl that she...

No.

Eve cared for Lilith, yes, but not like that. She didn't care for her like a _T_ _hat._

"Okay, maybe you just need more time to think. There at least has to be a club you _don't_ want to be in." Eve tried to bring a natural end to the first topic before moving onto the next.

"Anyway, what are you reading?" She was no thespian, but at the very least she could try to sound casual. "It must be pretty interesting if you didn't hear someone who was right next to you."

Lilith grinned, like that day by the dumpsters, as if she knew something Eve did not, as if she was part of some elaborate inside joke.

"I don't think you'll like it." Her hand pressed against her mouth, trying to stifle what seemed to be giggles.

"Is that so?"

"Yup. I don't think the genre is for your type." She said the last part as if it was some salacious piece of gossip or a king of innuendo.

"Try me." Eve replied.

If there was one thing she didn't shy away from, it was books. And besides, she needed to keep this conversation going somehow!

"Can't." Lilith turned the page, making a big show of it all the while.

"Why not?"

"Can't tell you that, either."

Eve pouted, bottom lip jutting out in an exaggerated manner, taking great care to ensure that Lilith saw this as playful rather than a tantrum, unwilling to return to the awkward silence that was a mere five minutes ago.

"Why not?"

"'Cause you might snitch on me."

The blonde winced at that, trying her best to think of a way to keep things going between the two of them.

"And, if I _were_ to tell on you for this, just what exactly would I be reporting you for?" Eve quirked a brow, rubbing her hands together in a cartoonishly evil manner, hoping the humor would be enough to crack the girl or at the very least give her an opportunity to change the subject before the air grew too tense.

* * *

"Persistence isn't gonna get you very far in this case," Lilith chuckled.

If only she knew what this old, 246 page book contained...

"It ain't just my head on the chopping block if word of this gets out."

Lilith knew that, by continuing this conversation, she was endangering herself and what little she had left to hide from the people that mattered, but she couldn't, or rather, didn't want to stop.

"It can't be that bad." Eve whips out her copy of the student handbook, skipping to page thirty eight. "The punishment for possession of pornographic material is just a week long suspension and a conference with the sisters about God's plan on human sexuality."

Lilith chuckles again, eyes looking at Eve with a strange mix of mirth and jealousy, taking both amusement and envy out of her innocence.

"Wrong rule." She slipped the worn, nondescript book back in her bag, in case Eve got the idea of just snatching it away.

"Try page twelve, paragraph four."

Lilith watched as Eve turned the pages in rapid succession. After years of reading those lines over and over, she could tell exactly where the girl was reading just by the subtle shift of her big, brown eyes.

The words on that page scared and sickened her to no end. She knew it by heart.

Her mind followed Eve's eyes, recalling what had been printed there word for word, comma for comma, the small, Arial font disgustingly vivid.

_"Any student found to have been a part of or currently engaging in any sort homosexual relationship or activities, after informing_ _their_ _parents or legal guardian, will either be handed over to the closest psychiatric ward to receive treatment, or brought to the local church in order to make arrangements for their enrollment in_ _"Godly living", a sister school of St. Agnes School For Girls, where said student can be guided_ _back_ _to the righteous path God intended them to take through the help of His word."_

Those eighty-seven words had burned through her skull and into her mind, making her fear her every movement, lying awake in the dark of her room, stomach in knots, scared and worried and wondering if she would live to see another day.

She saw Eve's expressive eyes and the fear that filled them. It was so similar to what she had felt when she had first laid her eyes on that accursed paragraph. Though she was certain that Eve had read it before, mind most likely pushing it away as the girl tried to convince herself that she needn't concern herself with that particular rule, seeing as it didn't apply to her.

She remembered the first time she read it, a mere thirteen years of age, eager and lively, only somewhat aware of how she liked women, yet completely unaware that others did not feel the same as her, knowing what a homosexual was only from sermons and sneers from other children in the apartment as they looked and whispered about the two men who lived on the third floor, or as the adults liked to call them, _fags_.

That morning, she didn't wake til half past noon, and now she lay in her bed, restless, bored, the only thing in her grasp to pass the time being the rulebook of the school she would soon be attending.

She remembered walking on the tips of her toes for just a few paces, wary of how she distributed her weight over her bedroom's creaky floorboards, quickly grabbing her old night light to aid her in her reading.

What a darling child she had been...

So nice.

So unquestioningly obedient.

So normal.

But alas, that obedient little girl grew, seeing and _learning_ and _feeling,_ no longer reliant on her family to tell her what to think, no longer trusting them to, knowing their love for her was fleeting and _conditional._

She read the book on the floor of her room, lying on her stomach, inches away from where her night light was plugged in, elbows sore by the time she reached that damned paragraph.

All the wind got knocked out of her, chest aching like it had when it came in contact with a stray soccer ball, yet somehow _deeper,_ the pain lingering far longer than the marks of the physical hit, travelling down into her stomach the longer she thought about it, making her nauseous and killing her appetite the next morning.

"I'm sorry," Eve suddenly spoke, pulling Lilith from her thoughts.

"It wasn't my intention to pry, I just-"

The shrill shriek of the bell interrupted her, however, and they left class.

Lilith never did know what Eve was going to say, and she mourned the loss like she did all the almosts in her life.

* * *

_"Any student found to have been a part of or currently engaging in any sort homosexual relationship or activities, after informing_ _their_ _parents or legal guardian, will either be handed over to the closest psychiatric ward to receive treatment, or brought to the local church in order to make arrangements for their enrollment in_ _"Godly living", a sister school of St. Agnes School For Girls, where said student can be guided_ _back_ _to the righteous path God intended them to take through the help of His word._ "

Never in her life did Eve think that the school, the people who ran it, and thus, the church could be so... cruel. Inhumane. Just plain _wrong._

_"Receive treatment,"_ Her mind echoed.

_"What does that even mean? They're sinful, not_ _ill_ _. They need prayer and support and guidance-"_

"All rise for the opening prayer." Sister Lydia said, voice stern and strict as ever.

Eve's lithe fingers were shaky as she made the sign of the cross, palms encasing her rosary as she prayed as if to make up for the lack of strength behind her words.

"Glory be to the Father."

Her mind desperately tried to make what she had been told all her life and what she had learned mere moments ago mesh and mold together to form one coherent truth.

It couldn't.

For if God is all loving and all forgiving, should he not make all who follow his word cease the so-called "treatment" they inflicted on the sinful, allowing the sinners to dig their own graves while the faithful remained holy, hands never casting stones upon others, as they too, had sinned? And should he not wait for the sinner to come to him in their own time by their own will, uncoaxed and true in their faith, like the merciful father waiting for his prodigal son to return to him?

"And to the Son."

Did he really deserve that glory? Should she really be singing her praises to an entity that had never once answered her, never once lifted a finger to reassure her? If he was willing to lay down his life for the forgiveness of her sins, could he not as easily give her a sign, tell her what was true, what wasn't, and help in restoring her faith?

"And to the Holy Spirit."

How long has it been since she felt it's presence? Since she felt holy? Where was the Holy Spirit to guide her when she had begged for it, sobbing at the weight of her sins?

"As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end."

Just how could that be?

She was born with the burden of original sin, baptized and made pure, only to sin once more, in a different, despicable way, every act she commits counted on the ever running tally that was the slate of her soul, little lines appearing on it like chalk with her every movement.

Was her soul, and all others, truly like they were in the beginning? Or were the sins marked on it now heavier, graver?

Would her soul stay like this? Or would it be cleansed in the second coming, erasing every scratch save for the very first, save for the one she was given for merely being born?

"Amen."

She did the sign of the cross once more. Her hands seemed to move all by themselves, accustomed to routine, as she hadn't even realized the prayer had ended, body running on a sort of autopilot as she tried all she could to make to opposing thoughts co-exist and cooperate.

Unfortunately for Eve, no amount of mental gymnastics seemed to work, infinitesimal details throwing all possibilities and interpretation into useless, incomprehensible garbage.

It was all she could think about the entire period and everything after, though something less serious would soon come to occupy her thoughts by the end of her class just before lunch, gym.

Or more specifically, gym with Lilith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully what comes soon will soothe the pain that was chapter 6 :))


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey dudes!! I just wanted to give a big thank you to my friends ZaccRiseC3P and Anon-nom-nom95 for helping me with the shower scene and another gigantic thanks to Anon-nom-nom95 again for being my biggest supporter 😁💛 (There's a surprise in the chapter for you, tell me if you notice it 😉)

"Lilith..." She whined, voice strained as she panted harshly, breathing ragged and pulse erratic.

Her legs were spread as wide as she could manage, her every muscle taut and straining as sweat formed atop her brow, sweat-slick hands clutching Lilith's forearms for dear life.

"Just a bit longer, Eve," Lilith said, trying to comfort her, though the girl's small, sharp exhales were not lost on her. "Hold on."

All she could do was moan, the constant shifting of Lilith's legs making her back arch, looking more and more like a bow with each passing moment.

Earlier, when the fatigue had yet to creep into her bones, Eve would have gawked at Lilith's hold on her, marveling at her hands and their warmth and each accidental swipe of her fingers.

Now, while the novelty had yet to fade (Eve feared it never would, that Lilith's touch would never fail to elicit a some sort of reaction, be it a mere blush of the quickening of her pulse.), it was certainly dulled by her aching muscles and tired limbs.

"'Mm tired." Her words came out pitchy, nearly cracking at the end.

Just how long had the been doing this?

Eve didn't know, nor did she have the strength to search her mind for the answer.

"I-" As hard as she tried, Eve could hardly get enough air in her lungs to speak, her position making it all the more difficult. "I can't..."

"Almost done, Eve," She gasped, mouth agape as exhaustion began to weigh on her as well, though she longed to finish this despite it.

Lilith's arms would have slipped from her grasp long ago had she not held onto Eve as tightly as Eve did to her.

"A-almost..."

"And up!" Sister Eunice shouted by the side of the gym, barely having moved an inch while the girls she was supposed to be teaching simply referenced the diagram in order to understand what ungodly formation they were to contort their bodies into this week.

Eve smiled and immediately pulled all her limbs closer to her, sore and in need of-

"That's all for today, girls. Everyone into the showers!"

Her relief was short lived.

* * *

With everything that had taken place earlier in the day, Eve had forgotten what was ultimately the worst part of gym.

The shower.

The curtain-less shower with no stalls she would have to share with Lilith.

Lilith would be able to see her.

She would be able to see Lilith.

Why, she asked herself, was she more worried about the second rather than the first?

For once though, Eve managed to push her thoughts aside and entered the locker room regardless of them.

* * *

_"Okay,"_ Lilith said to herself, mind racing to come up with ways in which she could avoid seeing Eve in the shower without making it blatantly obvious she was trying to do it.

_"Just keep your head down,_ _get in, get out_ _."_

With that said, she got out of her clothes, wrapped a towel around her, and got in line... unaware that Eve was trailing behind her, effectively putting them beside each other.

* * *

Eve was against swearing, be it written or spoken, in print or in cursive, in the form of crude graffiti or an eloquent story.

Right now, however, it seemed justified.

_"What the actual FUCK was_ _I_ _thinking?"_

Eve had followed Lilith in, watched as she took of her uniform, walking along side her as she got in line, consciously making the decision to stick as close to her as possible.

And now, through every fault of her own, she was next to Lilith, both of them as naked as the day they were born, lukewarm water beating down on them, putting herself into the very situation she wanted to avoid.

_Why?_

Eve didn't even know.

Or maybe, she did know what compelled her to do all this.

But that answer might have scared her too much to admit that it even existed, pushing it to the very recesses of her mind to avoid facing the answer and the barrel of sin that came with it.

The answers didn't matter now, however, because as much as she tried to analyze what led her here, she couldn't turn back time and stop this from ever happening.

Every sensation was heightened, body feeling even stiffer than earlier. She tried to focus her mind on anything other than the girl beside her, the sound of water hitting the tile floor, the varying scents of soaps and bodywashes in the air, bubbles going down the drain, the weight of the soap in her palm.

And yet, despite all that surrounded her, Eve still found her eyes straying to Lilith.

Lilith looked like the embodiment of desire itself, body slick and her wet, fiery hair sticking to her back as she moved about.

Eve knew she shouldn't look at Lilith, not the way she was looking.

But she did anyway.

Her amber eyes went up from Lilith's calves, small marks and scars peppering the skin every so often, to her toned thighs, flexing ever so lightly as she washed, to her bony hips that barely flared from her waist.

Eve's eyes ventured ever higher, to Lilith's stomach and a long, raised scar that ran up her side, following the trail the girl's soap bar left all the way to her plump, pillowy breasts...

Her gaze lingered there for longer til she ripped her eyes away, instead shifting to Lilith's collarbone and the little dips alongside it, before finally settling on her face, the very face that had been so close to her own just days ago.

The memory played over and over in her mind, vivid yet hazy at the edges like a washed out photograph.

She was pulled from her thoughts however, when Lilith had noticed her stare, locking eyes for a horrifying millisecond before the girl raised a sharp brow at her, Eve immediately looking away, shame pooling in her stomach and a blotchy blush making it's way onto her face.

Though it was too late by then, the image of Lilith's nakedness burned into her mind's eye and appearing in short bursts with every blink.

Try as she might to scrub the feeling of filthiness off her, she wouldn't be able to rid herself of it.

Not now.

Not today.

So she simply stood under the stream of water, making it colder all the while.

* * *

When Eve stepped out of the shower, she got dressed briskly, hoping to avoid any confrontation with Lilith.

"Where are you going?"

That hope was dashed quite quickly.

"I was going to go to the library..." She mumbled, fiddling with her hair, eyes glued to the floor like they should have been earlier.

Lilith huffed, a mix of amusement and exasperation, "Look, I know that adjusting to all of this is hard, but I'm gonna need you to be more considerate."

She took her book bag out from the locker, slamming the door shut as she did so, noise of the metal hitting it's frame and the lock clicking into place making Eve flinch.

"It's me that'll end up taking the heat if I'm caught without you."

"Sorry, I wasn't thinking." She hung her head, a layer of dejection adding onto the already pre-existing feeling of shame.

"It's fine. I caught you in time, so no harm, no foul!" Lilith shrugged, catching up to Eve who was already at the locker room exit.

"Can we maybe work out a timetable of when we go to lunch and when we go to the library, though? I get hungry after gym and I'm pretty sure they're serving mac and cheese today."

"Yeah, of course." Eve grinned, thankful that when hadn't brought up what had happened earlier.

She'd take whatever chance she was given to make up for her ever rising list of sins against the girl.

* * *

"Dude, over here!" Joan called, right arm flailing in the air in what could barely be counted as a wave. The brunette's left hand was under the table, more likely than not holding Paula's, who sat next to her as usual.

"Are you fine sitting with my friends?" Lilith appeared to ask Eve.

In truth, however, she was asking Eve something else entirely, something far more important than the blonde's comfort: _"Are my_ _friends_ _going_ _to be safe if you sit_ _with_ _us?"_

"I can tell them that you want to sit somewhere else if you don't wanna sit with them."

Eve smiled at her, whether it wad in answer to the obvious yet unspoken question or a mere nod to the first entirely unclear to her, "I don't mind! Me and my friends don't even share the same lunch block, so I'm not exactly dying to sit with anyone else."

"Okay then."

They made their way to the table, Joan's enthusiastic waving halted the moment she saw who Lilith was with.

"Hello!" Eve said, taking a seat. "I'm Eve, Lilith's partner, it's a pleasure to meet the both of you."

When Lilith heard Eve's cheery voice and saw her dazzling smile, however, whether Eve understood the question or not was unimportant.

They were safe.

Joan's green eyes met Paula's brown ones, a near potent hostility and mutual understanding passing between them.

Rest assured, they knew who Eve was.

Lilith had told them everything that had happened, every word she said, every little detail she could remember about Eve as she cried, usually striking eyes already cloudy and dull with tears before she had even spoke, hands firmly around the bottleneck of the cheap whiskey they put their money to buy.

Nevertheless, they smiled and shook her hand. They couldn't afford to be rude, especially with their own "partners" sitting not too far from them, watching, _waiting_ for the slightest slip up to report.

"Joan." She said, grin stiff, grip firmer than what was appropriate. "Nice to meet you too."

Paula flashed her winning smile, nodding as she shook hands with Eve, tight curls bobbing a bit as she did so, "I'm Paula! It's nice to finally meet you."

Her dark hands squeezed the other girl's, the chipper voice she had used to greet Eve vanishing for a moment when she spoke again.

"We've heard _so much_ about you."

Before Paula could continue however, Lilith cut her off. "Where's Julia? I thought we had the same lunchblock."

"Her partner wanted to sit somewhere else," Joan answered, taking a bite of her mac and cheese and going along with her friend. As much as she didn't like Eve, she knew that they wouldn't get anything by starting trouble. "She's still negotiating when they sit with us and when they sit with the girl's friends."

Lilith sighed, thankful she had been able to diffuse the situation before it even escalated.

She never thought she'd be the person trying to keep the peace, (That was usually Paula's job.) but here she was.

All Lilith had to do was stop a fight from breaking out for forty-five minutes.

That was manageable, right?

Just make small talk and keep a fight from breaking out.

"Think she'll be here tomorrow?"

* * *

As Eve listened to Paula complain about the packed school bus and Joan mention an upcoming test she had to study for, she couldn't help but realize that these girls were so... human.

She knew that, of course, they were made of flesh and blood like her, but that fact was only a vague, meaningless truth in the back of her mind.

For now, not only did she recognize the undeniable statement that they were human, Eve saw them as _normal._

These girls were just like her, or Mary, or Elizabeth. They had exams and pets, subjects they liked, subjects they didn't like, part-time jobs.

They had average, mundane lives outside of being...

Eve could feel her head pound, dizzy and aching as if a rug had been pulled out from underneath her and she had hit her head the moment it did.

The realization that these girls were human became more factual as they continued to talk amongst themselves, offering to help with homework, hoping that their friend, who had been separated from them, was doing okay, sharing tater tots with one another.

These girls, who had been demonized by her friends and the church alike, were kind, caring, and generous.

Eve sat there in stunned silence, epiphany after epiphany crashing into her mind in quick succession, hardly giving her the time to process the opposing statements before her.

At it's core however, she only had to decide between two things.

Either the church was right and these girls were evil and sick and unnatural, or she had been lied to practically her entire life by the people she loved and the institution she trusted and the God she believed in.

Eve could feel her eyes sting and well up, her hands went numb and shaky, felt lungs shrink, windpipe tightening, she couldn't breath, bile rising in her throat as she began heaving, desperate for air.

She had to get up before she-

_Bleugh!_

Eve puked all over the table, retching and heaving til only spit and stomach acid spilled from her mouth, tears streaming down her face, the numbness of her hands slowly spreading through her.

She vaguely registered a hand holding her hair away from her face and gently patting her back, ushering her from the table and to the nearest bathroom, Lilith most probably.

The bright, florescent lighting of the restrooms made her head throb again as sbe guided to the sink carefully, stumbling the whole way over.

"If you have anything left in you, I suggest you let it out here." Paula said, voice soft and soothing, devoid of any previous hostility.

"What?" Eve whipped her head around to face Paula, immediately regretting it when her headache started up again with a vengeance. "I thought- Where's Lilith?"

"Christ, you're really out of it, huh."

Paula shot Joan a fierce look, effectively shutting her up, "Don't mind her. Lilith left to tell your next class that you'll be a bit late or might not show up."

"Let's get you cleaned up, okay hun?" She pulled a handkerchief out of her skirt pocket and ran it under the tap, dabbing at the corners of Eve's mouth.

"I don't understand..." The blonde slurred, amber eyes growing cloudy once more as tears gathered behind them. "You're so nice. Why?"

Eve felt as if she had gone mad. And maybe she was, just a bit, panicked and jittery and hysterical as everything she had ever known was crumbling beneath the weight of these girl's kindness.

"You're not supposed to be nice!" She swatted Paula's hand away, crying angry, confused tears.

"They all told me people like you are evil! Be evil!" Eve grabbed Paula by the shoulders, shaking her, clutching at her, begging, "Hurt me! Fucking hurt me already!"

The two of them looked at her, stunned, before Paula broke the silence. "Get the gum and water bottle from my bag. She'll need it later."

"Are you-"

"Yes."

Joan left, reluctantly stopping at the door for a brief second before ultimately deciding to leave.

By then, Eve had broken down completely, having slid onto her knees, the gaps in the tile floor digging into the flesh as she leaned her head against the sink, long, curtain-like hair covering her face.

"Nothing makes sense anymore," She hiccuped, fingers tangling themselves in the rosary around her neck.

Maybe, just maybe, if she could embed them in her hands, squeeze the beads under her fingernails, then everything she did would be holy and God would guide her once more, erasing all the doubt and filth that polluted her mind.

"Please..."

Eve didn't even know what she was asking for. But she'd say it again.

"Please!"

Before she could scream again, Paula came up from behind her, pulling her hair away from her face, taking her fingers from her rosary, shushing her and stroking her hair til her violent sobs were mere occasional jolts.

"Tell me why you're crying." The girl's voice was empathetic yet firm, leaving no room for argument or refusal.

"Because you're nice. You're so nice, even though you're- you're all- all of you are..."

Eve had worked herself up again, unable to even think about the matter at hand without going into hysterics.

"We're what, Eve?"

The blonde shook her head, not wanting to continue.

"Come on, you can tell me." Paula tucked a lock of hair behind Eve's ear, opening her handkerchief more so she could wipe Eve's cheeks without rubbing her spit into her face. "I won't be mad."

"You're all so nice even though... even though you're all like _That._ "

"Hmm? What's a _That_?" She knew exactly what the girl meant, but she feigned ignorance, trying to coax Eve into saying more than fragmented sentences.

Eve shook her head again, tears resurfacing. She couldn't say it.

"Tell me what you think we are." Her voice was hushed, barely a whisper. This wasn't the place to be having this conversation, but they didn't have much of an option.

"I can't. I just- no. Don't wanna."

Eve remembered everything that lead up to this, to her breaking down on the bathroom floor, and sobbed, the weight of her supposed sins bearing down on her chest, killing her slowly.

She remembered being four and falling out of her tricycle, how Chloe, the girl who had been her neighbour all those years ago, rushed to help her and kissed the wounds on her arm, how warm it had made her feel inside, how she had actually thought of falling off again once she healed, all for another kiss.

She remembered being eight and playing some form of ring around the rosie, how she had held this pretty girl's hand, how it made her stomach all giddy, how it made her palms sweat.

She remembered being twelve and going to her first sleepover, how she had shared a bed with Adah, how close they were, how closer they got when Adah rolled over in her sleep, breath tickling the back of her neck, the long arms she'd yet to grow into draped over Eve's waist, how Eve had brought her own hand up to rest on Adah's, how she couldn't sleep because of how fast her heart was beating.

She remembered being fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, and how her eyes would wander in the showers, how it would make her cheeks flush, how it would make her loins throb, her first glimpses of desire presenting itself _._

She remembered being seventeen and meeting a beautiful girl with hair the colour of hellfire and eyes as blue as heaven, how that girl would laugh, loud and unrestrained, how the sound of it would make her chest ache something tender, how the girl would try to make her laugh along with her, how seeing this magnificent person choose her to joke and banter with made her feel far more special than all the times she had been called a child of God, how the girl would let caring words from deep within her slip out in fits of passion, how her heart would skip a beat whenever she heard the same ache she felt inside her appear in that girl's voice.

"Tell me, Eve. Please. I promise nothing you say here will ever reach anyone else."

"You're all so nice," She tried again, "but you're not supposed to be because you're le-" Eve hiccuped, trying to even out her breathing before speaking again, "because you're les- lesbi-!"

Eve broke away from Paula's embrace, standing up on shaky legs as she retched and coughed at the sink, feeling nauseous but having nothing left in her to throw up.

"I can't say it."

She saw herself in the mirror, every part of her looking like a mess. Eyes puffy and bloodshot, nose running, drool that Paula had missed earlier mixing with her tears and dripping from the corners of her mouth, her white button-up stained yellow with her vomit from the collar to her midriff, sweat making it stick to her more than it should have.

"Why not?"

"Because it's- I-" Eve locked eyes with Paula through the mirror, "I just can't."

"Why? What do you think is gonna happen when you say that word?" She brought Eve away from the sink, voice lowering instinctively, "What are you afraid of?"

How could Eve tell her that merely saying that forbidden word aloud would be an admission in and of itself? How could Eve, without sounding like an idiot or a raving lunatic, explain what went on in her mind, what led her to believe that to say it is to sin, and the weight of the word and the other words that would surely follow after the initial speaking of it?

How could Eve possibly explain her fears? How deep within her they resided? How her fear impacted every action, every thought, personality forming around what was allowed and what wasn't? How, without fear, she would be a different person entirely?

"Tell me why you're so scared," Paula rephrased herself, hoping to get an answer. She wanted to help Eve, truly, knowing that she had been where Eve was and knowing it was easier with others alongside you, but there was only so much she could do.

In the end, Eve was the master of her own fate.

She could only hope that when the time came for Eve to decide what path she wanted her life to take, her choice would lead to happiness.

"If I say it," Eve began, shocking Paula. There was hope for this girl. There had to be. "If I say it, I'll have sinned."

The only thing fainter than her voice was her face, Paula deciding it was in the other's best interest that she lie down. "How will you have sinned?" She had been able to pull Eve down and maneuvered her to lie on her plush thighs, not wanting the girl's face to touch the cold, likely dirty, bathroom tile.

"If I say it, then..." She felt like crying. She should be crying. She deserved it. But her body wouldn't let her. Between the sweat and the tears and the snot, there just wasn't enough in her for it. "Then I'll have admit to it. To being it. To thinking it."

Paula didn't say anything, only stroking Eve's hair in the hopes that she would continue, that she would actually admit to what she was so afraid of being so they could begin to help her.

But she stayed silent, content to lay on Paula, drained in every sense of the word, yet thinking that she didn't deserve to be.

Lilith and Joan arrived after a while, Joan with gum and water, Lilith with a spare uniform from the lost and found and an excuse note.

"Hey," Eve said, in a manner of speaking exclusive for those who have just cried and were unable to muster the energy to care about appearances.

Why should she even try caring about anything at this point?

She was convinced God himself would kill her soon. Maybe she'd be turned into a salt pillar. Would it hurt? To transform into grains and crumble? Probably not. Salt couldn't feel. Wouldn't that be something? A painless death.

They were speaking now. She didn't know what they were talking about but her still somewhat hazy vision could see Lilith moving her lips.

"Eve, hun, we have to leave. Only you and Lilith are excused. She'll take care of you from here, okay?"

"Yeah."

With that she pushed herself up and leaned on the wall, spineless, expectant. How long til a bolt of lighting came down and took her with it?

Joan placed the gum next to her, pity evident in her green eyes, "I hope you'll be okay."

And so they left, locking the bathroom's main door as they did, only Lilith remaining with her.

"Wanna get changed now? Or gum and water first?"

"No need. I'll die in a bit." Eve shrugged. She wanted to take a nap. She wanted to know if death would hurt. She wouldn't get either.

Lilith ignored that and began unbuttoning the spare blouse. "Get into the stall and change your top, they're only giving us an hour off and you can't go to class with puke on your shirt."

She tried handing the shirt to Eve but the girl didn't take it, merely letting it bunch up on her hand when Lilith let go.

"Fine. Gum first." Lilith took the already opened pack from next to Eve and pulled out a stick, the fruity scent of it mingling with the air. "Here."

In response, Eve just opened her mouth. She would die soon and her soul would go to hell. Or would her soul disintegrate when the salt crumbled? It didn't matter. She would be gone soon. She might as well have some fun before she went.

"Take it."

"Just put it in my mouth."

"What? Are- are you sure?"

It was so nice that, even in her last moments, Lilith cared for her.

Eve only opened her mouth wider in invitation.

A familiar, tender ache spread through her chest when Lilith's knuckle brushed against her bottom lip as she bit down on the gum.

If she died now, the last thing she would feel was that near-pleasant ache. She longed for death, if only for that reason.

Eve reached for the water after sometime, swallowing the gum once she felt it lose it's flavor.

Her mother would yell at her if she saw. But she wasn't here.

She drank the room temperature water, Lilith's eyes still on her, letting it drip down her chin and along her neck.

"Are you ready to change?"

"Will you help?"

"Of course, I-"

"Unbutton my blouse," Eve said, deadpan. "Please."

"Eve, I don't think-" The blonde took Lilith's hand, not pulling it closer, rubbing over where finger met palm, feeling every dip and all the ridges.

"Please."

They stared into each other's eyes, Eve understanding Lilith's hesitation, Lilith understanding Eve's needs, something poignant and tangible passing between them.

"Okay."

Lilith moved closer before slowly pulling on the thin, blue ribbon under the collar, giving Eve the chance to stop her, only continuing after a moment passed with no such protest coming from the other.

She unbuttoned Eve's shirt with care, making sure not to disrupt the rise and fall of the girl's chest as she went lower and lower.

No one spoke. The silence around them was tranquil, the serenity of the sea settling after a storm.

Eve leaned closer to her as Lilith removed the shirt that hung from her shoulders, revealing her plain, white bra and the faint freckles that lightly dusted her shoulders, collarbones, and cleavage, though she quickly looked away, refusing to ogle the girl in such a vulnerable state.

She was doing this to take care of Eve.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

Lilith used the dirty shirt to wipe the sweat off the girl's back, knowing that letting it dry there could make Eve catch a cold.

After, Eve put her arms through the new blouse and leaned back again to let Lilith button it.

"Lilith?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." Eve smiled, tender, genuine, her exhaustion mixing with the calm that had settled over them. "For taking care of me, I mean, even after everything I've done. Playing nurse to me must be tiring work."

"It isn't," Lilith replied, gazing at Eve with a softness her sharp features wouldn't usually allow. "Not if it's you. Never if it's you."

Without even realizing it, Eve took one of Lilith's hands in hers, tracing the visible veins on her palm, thumb skimming over the pads of her fingertips, feeling every bend and curve.

She tried to convey with her hands how she longed to care for Lilith as well, how she yearned to say to Lilith what she had just said to her.

Lilith cleared her throat and shifted her gaze, but didn't pull her hand away. "Are you ready to go?"

"Let's just wait for the next class, we've already missed half the period anyway and we're excused, so... yeah." Eve could hardly believe what was coming out of her mouth, unaware of what she had said before she said it.

"Yeah." And with that, Lilith scooted over, letting go of Eve's hand as she moved to be beside her instead of across from her.

They were connected now, legs stretched out on the floor, hip to hip, thigh to thigh, Lilith knee resting just a bit below Eve's, to her calf, because of the height difference.

Finally, as her last act in her post-breakdown haze, Eve rested her arm in the crook between their thighs, palm open, hoping, wishing, yearning, even daring to rest her head on Lilith's shoulder, despite knowing and lamenting that she herself would deny this ever happened when they left the room, entering back into a cruel, bleak reality, but doing it anyway, choosing to live in the moment despite knowing that that would make it hurt all the more later.

A single, painstaking moment passed as she felt Lilith's breath hitch and her body tense.

But at long last, Lilith relaxed, releasing a breath she didn't know she had been holding, arm coming to press flush beside hers, when she gently touched Eve's hand, worried she would scare the girl off with the slightest movement, slowly, tentatively, she slid their fingers together, settling into the space where their palms connected with their fingers.

They sat there wordlessly, stomach somehow in knots and fluttering wildly, almost nauseously, all at the same time, cheeks painted pink, breathing shallow and disbelieving, heart aching, tender and familiar and warm.

But it didn't last forever, no matter how much they both quietly wished it to be so.

The bell rang, shattering the silence, pulling them out of the small, otherworldly paradise where it was just the two of them, and, sorrowful all the while, they got up and walked with a snail-like pace, wanting just one more second, not letting go of the other's hand before they reached the door, fingers intertwining til the very last second, they left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao I almost gave myself a panic attack writing this cause I was describing it based on my own experience so y'all better appreciate this 😅


	9. Chapter 9

"So..." Eve began, staring at the various stands and stalls and tables with all sorts of different agendas, occasionally shifting her gaze to the people who would weave between it all.

In every sense of the word, today was, for lack of a better word, eventful.

This was most likely why, when they were gathered in the gymnasium for club sign-ups, the pair simply stood amidst the somewhat organized chaos, clueless.

"What now?" Eve pulled out the club sign-up form from her skirt pocket, thankful she hadn't lost it in all the ruckus. "My offer still stands, I really don't mind letting you pick the club we join."

"I mean. I already told you earlier that I don't really care what club we go to either way." Lilith shrugged. She wasn't trying to sound apathetic, but she couldn't really remember the last time she enjoyed club time solely for it's activities and not the friends she would do them with. "You pick."

"Alright, we're not gonna get anywhere with this, so how about a compromise?"

"I'm listening," Lilith chuckled. Of course Eve would be the type to suggest something like that.

The girl in question blushed at the sound, but fought to gather her thoughts and continue.

"You can tell me the clubs you don't like and I'll do the same. After we narrow down the list, we can settle on a club that we both like, or at least a club that on of us can tolerate."

"Okay, but let me tell you now, there are a lot of clubs I don't like."

It was Eve's turn to laugh, her hand automatically coming to cover her mouth as she grinned and giggled.

"Tell me anyway."

"No music club," Lilith said, right off the bat. "I'm a mediocre singer and I don't want to spend two or three hours a week singing hymns."

"Reasonable enough." Eve recalled being given a small flier when they entered, the colourful paper listing all available clubs and emptied her pockets once more in search of it before crossing out the words "music club" with a pen she had found while looking for the paper. "Anything else?"

"No home economics. You know why."

Eve just nodded an drew a line across it.

She was doing this to make up for what she did, not draw attention to it.

"And lastly," Lilith said, voice tinted with humor as she tried to lighten the mood, somewhat guilty when she saw Eve's face fall when she mentioned home economics, "no math club. 'Cause I'm not a nerd."

The girl succeeded, getting a tiny, genuine laugh from Eve that made her heart flutter like a hummingbird's wing whenever it graced her ears.

"It's fine, I'm bad at math too."

Lilith visibly perked up at the words, the teasing grin Eve had so missed making a comeback at long last, "I never said I was bad at math. I'm pretty good at it, actually. I just don't like doing it more than I have to."

"Really?" Eve joked, displaying a mock-disbelief. Lilith was no idiot, though judging by her work ethic when it came to CLE, Eve couldn't help but make a few assumptions. "What score did you get on the practice test a few days ago then?"

"Ninety-four percent."

At that Eve's eyes grew wide as saucers. That was better than she had gotten, and, more surprisingly, it was better than what _Mary_ had gotten, ninety percent, an A minus that paled in comparison to Lilith's A.

"Oh. That's neat." What could she say in response to that?

Fortunately, she didn't have to struggle to say more, as Lilith returned the question to her.

"What did _you_ get on the test." Lilith wasn't the type to gloat, at least not to a person she liked, but the thought of Eve thinking her a fool or a failure wasn't the kind of image she wanted to project either.

"Eighty-seven..." She stared at the floor in shame, suddenly enamored in the scuff marks a muddy sneaker had left on the floor, shame flooding her face in the form of blood, her cheeks taking on a soft pink for different reasons now. Who could have left this here? A student who had forgotten to clean the soles of her shoes? A janitor, maybe?

Lilith couldn't help but melt at the sight, immediately speaking to comfort the girl.

"Hey, come on. There's no need to be embarrassed, that's a pretty good grade, especially coming from someone who says they're bad at math!" She clasped Eve's shoulder and gave a gentle, encouraging squeeze, trying to get her to look up from the floor. "That's like, what, a solid B? A B plus even?"

When that didn't work, she slid her hand down to Eve's and ran the pad of her thumb over the soft skin before giving another, more tender squeeze. "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to embarrass you when I asked that. If you want, I can help you review for the next test?" She put on a smile and tried to sound optimistic, mind running a mile a minute as she tried to figure out what to say next.

"There's always room for improvement!" Lilith said, stealing one of Paula's lines in the rare occasion that Joan flubbed a test or lost a game. She'd have to thank her for that later.

Meanwhile, Eve hoped that Lilith wouldn't be able to feel her pulse through her wrist, the pink hue her face took on having faded, only to return with a vengeance when Lilith opted to hold her hand, the way the girl soothed her thumb over her knuckles nearly sending her into cardiac arrest, the momentary squeeze stealing the air from her lungs and running for the hills, if only for an instant before she mustered up enough breath to speak.

"You'd really do that? Or are you just saying that to make me feel better?"

"Are you kidding me?" Lilith grinned, incredulous. "Of course I'd help! With a score like that, there isn't even all that much to do."

The way Eve looked at her when she said those words, amber eyes adoring and brimming with marvel as it were, Lilith couldn't bring herself to look away, it was like she was lost and slowly, willingly sinking into the entrancing, honeyed hue that was Eve's eyes.

She could hardly handle being the subject of the girl's gratitude-filled gaze, her heart clenching tenderly when Eve smiled at her, because of her, soft and sweet, dimples appearing on her rosy cheeks, unaware of the near-painful longing that welled up in Lilith's chest.

In the split second silence, Lilith wondered whether it was for better or worse that Eve didn't know how her heart ached whenever she made her smile, knowing that Eve, kind person she was, would never want to hurt her, even in the most gentle way, the soft tightening of her chest Lilith herself would sometimes even long for.

"Anyway," Eve said, breaking the quiet that had settled over them, "I really can't join the art club, so that's out of the question. My drawing skills are literally non-existent."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! The best I can do are stick figures, bee doodles, and really loopy flowers."

They scratched that off the list and began roaming around, Eve unsure of what clubs were a hard no for her but wanting to narrow down the list further.

"Oh, definitely no debate club." She said out the moment she saw their stand, stopwatch, hardwood podium and all.

"Okay, but why?" Lilith took the list from her and crossed it out, skimming over it in search of clubs the both of them could enjoy.

"They're sca-"

"Lilith!"

A girl with shoulder-length black hair swishing slightly with every step came up from behind them and hugged Lilith with a fierce grip, nearly making the both of them fall to the ground in the process, her long-suffering partner, local gossip girl, Margaret, merely trailing a few paces behind her, not wanting to be associated with the girl who managed to make at least eleven heads turn towards them.

"Joan told me everything this morning. Where is she?" The girl let go, swinging her head around frantically and craning her neck in an exaggerated search. "I'm gonna beat this chick's ass if it's the last thing I do!"

Finally, Margaret came closer and tried to put a stop to whatever was unfolding. "Swearing is against the rules, Julia. I can report you for that."

The girl, Julia, apparently, turned to look at her partner, joyful demeanor fading in an instant.

"So is make-up and cheating, but you don't see me yapping about it, do you?"

That shut Margaret up effectively, cheeks probably red with indignance under her foundation.

"Anyway, where is the bitch? I'll-"

"Okay, before you finish that sentence, I think you should know that the girl you're calling a bitch is right beside me. Right now." Lilith said, grabbing her by the shoulders and making her face Eve.

Julia looked at her.

She looked at Julia.

"Hi."

"Oh shit. Hey..." They stared at each other, a split second of tension filled silence passing between them. "I'm not taking back what I said though, you're a bitch. I mean seriously, I get not being gay but did you have to- OW!"

Lilith's elbow met Julia's rib, harshly.

"When did Joan say all this?" She sighed. The last thing she needed right now was someone making Eve feel worse after everything that happened today, especially now that they were just starting to patch things up and talk free of any awkwardness.

"I already told you, she said all that this morning. We sat next to each other in CLE and passed notes while Sister Jane wasn't looking."

"Julia, you're fucking nuts and I love you for that," Lilith sighed again, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration, "but now is really not the time. Go ask Joan or Paula to catch you up on things, they should be around here somewhere. We're busy looking for a club. Until they tell you what happened earlier, you can _not_ call Eve anything except Eve."

"Oh wow, okay. I must have missed something big if you're defending the girl who made you sob so hard, you almost-"

"The details aren't important! Besides, you weren't there, so you don't know what happened."

Julia raised a brow at the girl, shutting up to help her save face, but going in for one last tease before she went looking for Paula to see the whole picture, "I literally just said that Joan told me everything, but okay." She put her hands up in a sort of surrender. "Say what you want, babe! I'll get the truth out of you the next time we get wasted anyways, so yeah!" And with that she turned to leave before, rather impulsively, Eve called out to her.

"What club did you join?"

"You're really gonna look at me and not immediately assume I'm in the softball club? You offend me, Eve. I mean really! You know what they say about softball. It's the sport of my people!"

The blonde merely stood in silence, absolutely dumbfounded, mouth opening and closing like a fish yet not a syllable leaving her lips.

Julia cackled, tossing her head back and ruffling her soft curls. "Oh God, she doesn't _know_?" She asked Lilith, her eyebrows raised so far up that no one watching would be surprised if they receded even further back to join the hair on her head. "You really know how to pick 'em, sweetheart!"

She walked away, giggling and giving them – well, more Lilith than Eve – finger guns all the while.

"Okay, I'm just going to ask. What was that whole thing about softball about?"

At this, Lilith herself couldn't help but laugh. "Basically, it's kinda a stereotype that, and this isn't a thing we made up, lesbians play softball."

Eve's look of confusion turned to bafflement turned to a somewhat exasperated and incredulous amusement. "That makes no sense, but I'm going with it anyway. How did that even start?"

"I actually don't know, but we went along with it too, cause why the fuck not? You know?" Lilith shrugged and they continued walking again. "There's probably a bit of truth in there somewhere. It's how Joan and Paula got together, so there's that! And Julia has an ex that used to be a member."

Eve took the list back from her while she was distracted, eyes quickly scanning over it to see if Lilith had crossed anything out while it was in her possession. "I'm assuming there's a story behind that?"

"Yup!" She snatched the flier away from Eve once more, holding it high above her head when the girl tried to get it again. "But not one you get to hear. Not yet."

She huffed at that. Eve, despite already standing on her toes, the four inch height difference between them made it so she couldn't get the list back from Lilith.

"Okay then. But one last question."

"Yeah?"

" _Sweetheart? Babe?_ " Eve asked, a twinge of jealousy in her. Granted, she had no right to be, at least in her own mind she didn't. She wasn't even supposed to be feeling anything for Lilith other than disdain, but what could she do? Her only consolation was the fact she'd yet to act on said emotions.

Technically.

Eve tried to justify what she could, mind jumping from hoop to hoop, connecting loose strings, drawing lines between dots that were barely there. Earlier wasn't anything akin to _love_. It was just a friend taking care of a friend.

Yes.

"Oh, that? Yeah, Julia calls everyone that, really. It's nothing personal." Lilith felt delusional. Were her feeling for Eve so strong as to warp her mind and affect her hearing, going so far as to imagine Eve's voice with a pang of envy. "If you get on her good side, she'll probably call you something too. Not what she called you earlier, though."

A wave of relief washed over the blonde... followed immediately by guilt for feeling said relief.

It was nothing another round of mental gymnastics couldn't fix.

The only reason she was relieved was because Lilith not being in a relationship meant that she wasn't beyond saving.

Of course.

"I hope so, too." Eve said. They turned to walk down a different aisle, about forty-five minutes left for them to find and join a club.

The pair strolled between stalls leisurely, narrowing down the list bit by bit, encircling the ones they had taken a particular liking to, chatting about clubs.

"The gardening club seems cool." Lilith suggested, looking at their small stall decorated with small, origami flowers, the girls who ran it not having the heart to pluck what they had grown just yet. "It's outside so I get some fresh air and it's no sport, so you won't have to strain yourself like you did in gym. Whaddya think of it?"

She looked over at Eve, only to see her frowning, a mix of disappointment and contempt in her eyes.

"I'd love to join, but I'm not allowed. My mom doesn't like me gardening." Her frown turned into a pout, eyes growing glassy with frustrated tears that had been building up for nearly a decade now. "She made me stop when I was eight because my hands were getting rough..."

"Use me."

"What?"

"Use me as an excuse. Tell her I made you join it."

Her words were temptation, the apple offered to Eve by the serpent.

Lilith held the sign-up slip and the red pen out to her, the folded paper an open invitation to rebellion. She wouldn't force Eve, however, wanting this decision, this sin, to be hers and hers alone, the girl refusing to even write her own name on the paper.

Eve could feel the fifth commandment ringing in her ears, as the Eve before her knew she was defying god.

_"Honour thy father and thy mother."_

And yet, Eve could also feel the dirt between her fingers and under her nails, the weight of a trowel in her hands, the sun beating on her back through the gaps in the leaves of their oak tree, the scent of the earth and the flowers carried by the breeze.

The nagging voice in her ears faded and morphed to the gentle buzzing of the bees and the high-pitched chirping of the birds.

Eve took the form and filled it up.

Eve took the apple and ate of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!! so i forgot to add this in the last chapter, but school started on august 26 so chapters are going to be a bit slower from now on 😭😭 please be patient tho, cause i'm not quitting on this!!!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School has only been at it for two weeks now and I've already had a panic attack.
> 
> Here, take it. 
> 
> (:

The obvious absence of an unfaithful spouse filled the air with tension. Eve knew better than to speak unprompted when her mother had a wineglass next to her, the beautifully decorated dining room silent save for the sound of slicing and silverware.

"How was school, dear?" Her mother finally said, the _dear_ chocked and forced, teeth gritted.

She wasn't drunk. No, not yet.

She was angry.

Eve just then noticed the various envelopes under the wineglass' stand. Bank statements. They weren't poor, mind you. The Peccators were middle class. (They could even be considered upper-middle class depending on who you asked.) They had enough money to send Eve to a private school, own a house, a car, and even go on a vacation once a year; that wasn't going to be changing anytime soon, either.

But she knew of her father's vices, his penchant for extravagant watches and suits, his liking for younger, more _lively_ women.

No, they weren't having financial problems, far from it, Eve knew, but she did suspect that her father had once again spoiled his mistress, more likely than not going on another spending spree with his credit card, the "business trip" he had been on for the past four days a complete fabrication.

"It was good, mama. Thank you for asking," Eve spoke slowly and clearly, making sure to call the woman in front of her by her preferred variation of mother, hoping it would calm her down like it did when she was a child.

If only things were as easy as they had been.

"How's Mary? Elizabeth?"

As she grew older, the list of friends her mother approved of grew smaller and smaller to the point she knew all of Eve's companions by name. That said, she wouldn't appreciate that the few friends she'd let the girl keep were now gossiping, dating, - and, God forbid - _fornicating._

"They're doing good, mama. Still very nice."

Her mother emptied her glass of wine, pouring more in not a second after she placed it on the table once more.

"Good to hear. I recall the school saying no one was injured in the fire, but I wanted to check in anyway." She ran a hand through her blonde hair, sighing when some broke and stayed tangled between her fingers, downing her wine when her eyes fell upon their graying roots.

Eve had to stop herself from flinching when her mother slammed the wine bottle down, enraged by the fact it dare be empty when she needed it.

"Be a dear and get mama another bottle from the kitchen, Eve." She drawled, toeing the line between tipsy and drunk. "From the top right corner of the wine rack."

"Yes, mama." Eve nearly tripped over her own feet in all her rush.

Her mother was already aggravated and she daren't make it worse by taking too long for the woman's liking.

She took the bottle her mother requested, eyes skimming over the label reflexively.

A nineteen-ninety Madeira. One of the most alcoholic wines in the house.

She sprinted back to the table, hesitant to hand the bottle over, yet putting it down by her mother anyway. How she detested what her mother would become when she drank, an imposter, a cruel stranger in the body of the usually well-meaning woman she was.

And yet, did she not always hate her mother?

Not as strongly as she hated the woman in this state, but hate nonetheless.

Her mind echoed with the sixth commandment once more, but it was so hard to listen to.

She knew her parents gave her life and a roof over her head and the clothes on her back, but, as kind as they could be, were they worthy of being honoured?

This woman was the reason she had only two friends, the reason she was so sheltered and clueless, restricting what she could watch, not even wanting her to read more than what was required of her, the reason she couldn't garden, more concerned of her child's future husband, of her child's hands growing calloused, than of her child's happiness. And yet, even like this, she knew her mother had her best interests at heart. The two decades they had been married warping her mind into believing in a harmful mentality, blaming herself for her husband's unfaithfulness, making herself think that if she raised her daughter to be the perfect wife, she'd be able to give her what she never had: a happy, successful marriage.

Her father was the reason her mother was like this in the first place. They married too young They hardly knew themselves, much less each other, unable to differentiate love from attraction from infatuation. And he simply fell out of love. He stayed, however, unwilling to bite the bullet and divorce her while he could. Instead, he lied. He cheated. His infidelity turning what had been a kind and jovial woman with a bright future in front of her into a miserable, alcoholic housewife who only stayed with him due to her devoutly catholic beliefs.

They made her miserable.

They made each other miserable, committing a plethora of other sins in order to avoid one.

Ah, the joys of married life.

Eve ate her dinner hurriedly, getting up to take her used dishes to the sink.

"I'm going up, mama. I need to study for an English test."

That was a lie.

She just didn't want to stay long enough to see her mother smash a plate.

"Come here, dear, before you go." Her mother put down the wine glass and smiled a weary smile, a hint of the person she was all those years ago coming back, if for a moment, a flash, a mere glimpse into the past she longed to return to. "I want to see you."

Eve stepped closer, slow, unsteady. That smile, one she so often saw ages ago, told her that she was safe. But the alcohol not even a ruler's length away from her mother's hand made her wary nonetheless.

Her hand went to cup Eve's cheek with a familial tenderness she hadn't felt in so long.

"You look just like me, when I was your age. You're beautiful, Eve."

Eve could feel her eyes tearing up, practically melting into the touch. Maybe there was still hope for the both of them; a chance to be happy together. With some effort they could salvage what they had, the good parts, and make new, better memories.

"Mama, I lo-"

That feeling was shattered with her mother's next words.

"If you take good care of yourself, you'll get a better husband than me and you'll live a better life."

Agony.

The sharp, painful agony that was all her hope being crushed hit her like a freight train, knocking the wind from her chest, tears of joy that had just been forming turning to tears of sorrow.

"You can do that for your mama, can't you, Eve?"

Her mother's hand never changed it's grip, but it felt harsher, threatening in a way she couldn't pinpoint, and she saw, in this moment, that all remnants of the woman she once loved, the woman she had happily called mother, was now dead and gone, perhaps it had been for a while now, perhaps, like what she did with so many things in her life, she refused to accept the truth til it stood in front of her and was unequivocally undeniable.

"Answer me, Eve."

"Yes, mama. I can do that."

Her mother gave a soft pat to her cheek with the kind of endearment you'd see a proud owner give a well-trained pet.

"Good girl."

Eve left, not even trying to muster enough energy to bid her mother good night, just placing her dishes in the sink and rushing upstairs.

Did she really not see this coming? After all the ways her mother has restricted her, has disappointed her, has put the happiness of her future husband, was this not to be expected?

Barely a minute after she closed her bedroom door, the sound of plates hitting the ground reached her ears. Her father's "business trip" was to finish today, the man to arrive sometime in the night.

There wouldn't be a fight. The time her mother cared enough to get angry had passed. Instead, there would be silent sobs, long phone calls to friends who couldn't help, and her mother's ever constant companion: alcohol.

She plopped down in her bed, laying atop the sheets, wallowing in her hatred for her mother, her guilt for disobeying her, and the general misery that plagued her.

The dim, yellowish light of the antique lamp that rested on her crowded bed side table bathed the room with a soft, almost romantic glow. She felt too sluggish to do anymore than pull the covers over her, leaving her mind with nothing to do other than ponder the day's events.

It came to her in vivid, unwanted flashes as she tried to force herself to sleep before her father came home.

The weight of the pen in her hand, the pen she had used when ignoring her mother's orders.

The feeling of the paper between her fingers, the words she wrote a testament to her disobedience, to her sin.

Lilith's coaxing voice, smooth and melodious, guiding her softly, not an ounce of force behind it.

Lilith's teasing smirk, the devious glint in her blue eyes, all for her.

Going further back, Lilith's concern.

How she always asked before doing something she knew Eve wouldn't normally allow, even when she herself asked for it.

Her hands.

Her fingertips running across her lower lip, gone the moment it came, a ghost of a touch, so fleeting, yet it was burned into her mind.

The gentle way she unbuttoned her blouse, hands trembling and hesitant, but moving forward at her command, more careful than she had ever seen her before.

And how could she forget how tenderly Lilith held and cradled her hands, the warmth radiating from her soft palm, the girl's long, lithe fingers tangling with her own.

The way Lilith made her feel...

Eve wasn't a fool. She was a liar.

She noticed the familiar ache that would settle in her chest whenever Lilith touched her, whenever Lilith talked to her, whenever she thought of her.

She knew how her cheeks would flush, how her body would grow warm at some of the things Lilith would do.

She knew that -- after everything that had happened today -- that she couldn't deny it any longer.

Like so many things, the truth was staring her in the face.

She was... like Lilith.

But, perhaps more importantly, she liked Lilith.

The numbness of earlier had long faded, giving way to a new wave of anxiety, a new wave of _guilt._

It built up inside her before reaching a violent crescendo, tears spilling from her eyes like a dam burst open, an onslaught of practically every negative human emotion hitting her like a freight train. Fear and anxiety and grief and guilt plagued her, body merely a cauldron full of the foul, bubbling liquid that was all this.

Guilt was the most tangible of them all. It was definite, an ever-looming presence in her mind.

It seeped into every crack and crevice of her being, even when she wasn’t doing anything wrong. Simply resting and eating and _being born_ was a sin, passed down from generation to generation with only the hope of salvation through the veneration of an unjust God.

She was doing something wrong, though.

Eve was committing the sin of being herself, the sin of personhood, of not basing all that she was around God, of being human, inherently sinful and flawed.

Eve was committing the sin of being _like Lilith._

And she felt guilty for it.

She felt guilty for disobeying her God, her mother, their teachings. Eve wasn’t the daughter her mother prayed for and she never would be. She would lie and garden and think thoughts she shouldn’t think and disobey and be _like Lilith._

Even if she lied, even if she denied herself further, even if she married a man and had sex with him and bore him children, deep down, she would always be like Lilith, she would always like Lilith.

There was nothing in this world that could change that, though.

No prayer or potion or pill would stop her from loving women, from loving Lilith.

At a loss, she wailed into her pillow, nothing more than a scared child hiding from a monster in the closet that just so happened to be her. Clutching at her rosary, she knelt on her bed, using her headboard as a makeshift pew, barely able to see the crucifix on her wall through the tears but knowing it was there.

It felt like it would always be there.

Whether as a reminder or a taunt or another source of anguish. It would forever hover over her bed, linger in the back of her mind, simply be there.

That knowledge burdened her with an immense fear. That fear burdened her with an immense guilt. She shouldn’t be afraid of her God but she was. And only bad people were afraid of God to the extent she feared Him.

The rest of her night was spent forcing prayers out through her sobs – each word near-unintelligible and incoherent – while her mind flashed with images of her soul burning, images of a greater, yet to come agony.

* * *

The food was abundant, decor extravagant and expensive. In the centre of the table, next to the mashed potatoes, was a garish, blue vase filled with flowers grandmother was fond of. The table itself had been covered with an off-white cloth, intricate lace running down across it, the legs uncovered to brag about the fine carvings and expert craftsmanship it took to make said carvings. (And, on another level, to brag about how much it all cost to have it custom made.)

Lilith lived what most would consider a live of luxury. While she was no spoiled brat, waited on hand and foot, her needs were provided for and with all the wealth available to them, she would want for nothing.

Except freedom.

And comfort.

And a family that would love her, unconditionally.

Yes, her room was large, bed soft, sheets of fine silk, pillows fluffed with feathers. But it wasn't hers, devoid of all personality, not so much as a poster on the wall, resembling a hotel room than something belonging to a teenage girl. How could she ever decorate the space that was to be hers when it was constantly intruded upon, everything inside searched and scrutinized, threatening to reveal her?

Yes, her school was expensive and prestigious, it's halls were nowhere near as full as a public school's, neither were the classrooms. They had a gym, a pool, a library, even a damn audio-visual room, even. But the education itself was subpar. Had someone even tried to take a look what they were teaching, the denial of evolution and dinosaurs, the mixing of real historical events with ones from the bible, the outright lies during what little sexual education they had, the school would lose all it's prestige, being no more than a glorified Sunday school.

Yes, the house she lived in was grand, beautiful, _safe,_ locks on every door and window, the best security cameras money could get at the time guarding their gates, but she herself, couldn't be further from it. One word from anyone and she'd be out on the streets _or worse._

And what use was wealth, what use was all this, without comfort? _True comfort._ The comfort that could only have if you were secure in your knowledge that you were loved and cared for, no matter who you were; the sense of belonging that you were supposed to feel when with your family.

Try as she might, it was something she would never feel.

Not here. Not with these people.

She pulled herself deeper and deeper into her thoughts, anger and a sorrow that was almost constant nowadays came to the forefront of her mind, though her this was soon interrupted by her grandfather's booming voice.

"Pass the gravy over, girl."

She slid it over to him, cursing inside, everything cloudy with animosity.

It was building up, slowly, constantly rising whenever they spoke to her, at her. She found that even the sound of it irritated her, the two of them speaking to each other within earshot grating on her already exasperated nerves.

Lilith knew better than to voice all this, however, certain she'd get far more than a slap on the wrist for disrespect, directed towards the head of the household, no less, so she held her tongue. Restraint had been a skill well-practiced til ten days ago, the cork preventing her visceral rage from seeping out finally popping off the bottle in a moment of impulsivity.

Thus, the fire.

Her unwillingness to speak went unnoticed when her grandfather finally stopped talking to eat, her grandmother turning to her instead for conversation.

"How was school, Lilith?"

"It was fine," She said, bland and practiced.

It was, in fact, not fine.

She couldn't remember the last time anything had truly been fine.

Practically everything at school was the opposite of fine. The staff, the students, the system.

Eve just had what she assumed to be a mental breakdown. Paula was cramming for tests that had yet to be announced, knowing she'd need as many grants and scholarships as she could get if she wanted to go to college. Joan and Julia slaved away at a convenience store, saving as much as they could to be able to cover at least some of the rent, hoping to land a sports scholarship. She and Colette, meanwhile, were sure to be on their best behaviour, both relying on a trust fund, most of the plan resting on their shoulder.

Speaking of, though...

"I'm done eating, may I please leave the table?" She said, putting her utensils down noiselessly so as not to be scolded. "I have a lot of homework due in the next few days."

"You're excused," The gruff voice of her grandfather replied, wiping at the corners of his mouth, clearly irritated by the fact he had to stop eating to respond despite being the one who told her to always ask before leaving instead of just getting up and going.

Lilith rushed to her room, trying her best not to seem too eager about "homework" as she went. Immediately, she fluffed some pillows and shoved them under her blanket, pressing in certain spots to create a rough amalgamation of what should look like her sleeping on her side.

One of the oldest tricks in the book, yes, but one that had yet to fail her.

She was shuffling now, the floorboards of her room the loudest in the house. They probably chose this room for her intentionally, wanting to track her, trap her.

They wouldn't be able to.

Not today.

Off came her cardigan, the skirt that reached her knees. On came some jeans, a red and white windbreaker, and a cap.

Lilith moved over to her window and slung a pair of sneakers on her shoulder, climbing down from her room via the tree she planted by it under the guise of wanting to care for the environment.

Branch on hand. Branch on foot. Repeat.

Thrill welled up in her chest when her feet hit the ground, euphoria flooding her senses at the temporary freedom she granted herself.

Just a few more months in this town.

Just a few more months til they would all run away.

Just a few more months til the freedom lasted forever.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya like found family?

The air was cool and crisp, blowing by her and carrying with it the lingering scent of teenage rebellion and the joy that was momentary liberation. Her feet moved swiftly as she waded through waist-high grass, it's dew caressing the sliver of skin between the end of her pant leg and her sneakers.

The long walk over to the partly hidden, run-down shack they had made their hideout gave her time to think, mind wandering, thoughts racing. And yet, the thirty minutes she walked wasn't enough for her to sort said thoughts, not enough to know what to do with them, anyways.

She was excited. Who wouldn't be giddy if something they had waited on for a year now was coming closer with every day, with every passing second, with every step?

Under that, though, there was a sense of dread, Lilith instinctually doubting all the good that was happening to her. Again, I ask, who wouldn't doubt all the great things that came to them if it were drilled into them everyday that they simply weren't deserving of it, too sinful to be worthy of anything other than guilt and scorn?

And even deeper than the dread, there was _fear_.

What if there wasn't enough money? While Colette's parents had told her to expect about a few hundred thousands, it was a known fact to all of them that because they were the ones to set the fund up, they could access, and consequently take, money from it as they wished.

What if there was no money at all? Colette not being granted access to her trust fund for some superficial reason was always a real, daunting possibility, leaving her as the one the whole group would have to rely on.

Lilith arrived at their hideaway, almost hesitant to knock at the door, fearing what she could find inside it. This was the one of the two nights that would determine their future. Should she not fear or fret, to a certain extent, that something could go wrong?

Regardless, she soldiered on and knocked.

"Who's there?" Asked Joan, voice wary and gruff, a slight creak coming from her end probably due to her leaning on the door to make sure no one who wasn't supposed to get in was able to.

"It's me."

The girl's response was the clicking and clacking of deadbolts before swinging the door open and ushering Lilith inside. It was an unspoken, sorrowful truth the five of them shared, that all the locks they'd placed on the shack weren't a mere sign to others looking for a place to hang out that it was taken, but an unfortunate, and necessary precaution they had to take due to the simple fact that they were them, that they were gay.

It was so that – if it ever came to it – they could buy themselves a few seconds more.

To hide what they had to, be it alcohol or forbidden books or money.

To come up with a lie, unconvincing as it may be.

To say their dreaded, tearful goodbyes to one another before the inevitable consequence for being them came to claim them.

They wouldn't have to worry about that for much longer, though. Not if tonight went well. They would never have to worry about it again.

"Where are the others?" She looked around the space they'd made their own, devoid of people save for her and Joan. The time they'd agreed on drew closer and worry slowly made it's way into the cavity of her chest that seemed to exist for such unpleasantness alone, the part of her she didn't want, that ever constant fear.

Maybe it would go away once they were out of this town. She hoped it would.

In a better world, she wouldn't have to feel like this to begin with.

She tried not to think of that too much.

"They came here, pooled together ten bucks, and went back out to buy a pack of cupcakes and a candle for Colette."

Relief flushed out most of the concern and Lilith allowed herself to plop down on one of the beanbag chairs they got for relatively cheap at a yard sale.

"What about Colette?"

"She's not here yet," Joan said, sitting in a near-identical chair from across her, wiggling a bit to try and get comfortable, legs shifting constantly, much more accustomed to the hardwood floor.

"And you guys are sure she's back from her trip?"

The girl stood up took to leaning on the door again after hearing rustling from outside.

"God, I hope so. It'd be a waste of cash if not." The girl stood up took to leaning on the door again after hearing rustling from outside. "She said she'd be back on the twentieth."

A series of knocks came from the other side, panicked, frantic.

"Open up! Colette's almost here!"

The familiar clinking of metal reverberated around the shack once more, the two girls coming in not even a second after.

"What's with all the rush?" Joan locked the door once more despite knowing their friend drew nearer by the second. Better safe than sorry. "Doesn't she know we're waiting for her?"

Paula gave her no mind, instead sticking a small, pastel blue candle atop one of the cupcakes.

"Joan, dear, your lighter." She held her palm out, expectant, Joan fished it out from her pocket and passed it over. If Paula wanted to surprise Colette, she might as well indulge her.

Meanwhile, Julia took a lacy tablecloth she had smuggled away from her house during laundry day and smoothed it over the wood of the table, she got the remaining cupcakes from the box, putting them on top of the soft fabric in a short line, careful, making sure none of them touched.

They handed stripped, sparkly party hats to Lilith and Joan, leaving the only one with a small pompom atop it on the table, for Colette.

The set up was modest, intimate, even nostalgic in a sense.

It looked like a child's tea party. Food just enough for the five who were coming, the silly party favors, the simple decor that could hardly be considered such. All they needed now was a few plastic cups, a teddy bear, perhaps a tutu, and they were good to go.

There was a second after everything was set up before Colette came knocking.

"Guess who's back from the Bahamas?"

Hushed, excited whispers came from them before they giggled and let her in.

The creak of the door was drowned out by the party horn that Paula had bought.

"Happy birthday!"

"Holy shit, thanks, but I need to tell you guys that those hats make you look like Christmas elves!"

The giggles they had momentarily stifled returned when Lilith put one of said hat on Colette, playfully tugging a strand of her sand coloured hair along the way.

"Then you're an elf too!"

They cackled and squealed as Colette screamed bloody murder, exaggerated and theatrical.

Julia then held out the cupcake for the girl as the laughter died down and they sang for her, jolly, off-key, filled with love.

"Happy birthday to you!"

They were acting like teenagers. Carefree, joking, _happy._

Granted, they _were_ teenagers.

It just wasn't very often that they felt like one.

"Happy birthday to you!"

As they sang, jovial, unselfconscious of their pitch and tone, Lilith felt all the misery of the day's happening fade, giving way for their merriment and warmth.

She felt safe.

She felt comfortable.

She felt loved, unconditionally, by this group of misfits, her friends.

Her _family._

"Happy birthday, dear Colette!"

There was happiness in the very air they breathed tonight. It wasn't something they felt often especially nowadays, this sort of infectious joy, this infrequent, sought after euphoria. And yet they basked in it now, fueled by each other's warmth, feeding off of each other's joy. This rare, coveted high they had so little of, but shared nonetheless.

"Happy birthday to you!" The final notes were dragged out to a comical extent, punctuated by guffaws and giggles, laughter and lack of breath halting it.

Lilith wished, as Colette blew out the candles and made hers, that the song could have kept going.

She wished her lungs would grow as if they were pufferfish so they could continue that final note til the end of time.

She wished that tonight would never end.

She wished for an eternal, permanent happiness, for all of them.

They settled down after the song, eating cupcakes as they chatted, asking Colette about her trip.

"There were a ton of cute girl in bikinis," She said in between bites, a bit of green frosting smeared on her pale, chubby cheek. "You guys should come with me on my next trip!"

"Sure, lemme just pull some cash out of my ass and we can fly there on a private jet when Christmas break hits," Joan cackled, crumpling the polka-dotted wrapper of her cupcake, slightly jostling Paula who sat in her lap.

"Okay, but speaking of money..."

Reminders of their other reason for being here effectively put a damper on everyone's mood except Colette, who from her skirt pocket took out a crisp, pristine check.

"Will five hundred thousand be enough for us?" She smirked, sliding across the cloth covered table.

The rest of the girl shared glances, incredulous.

"Holy shit." Julia said, the first to break the for once not terrible silence.

The sentiment was echoed and they all cheered, hugging and crying and hopeful, Colette in the middle of it all, receiving thanks and cheek kisses and hair ruffles, all of them getting pulled down from each other's weight but refusing to let go, the girls now in a giddy pile on the hardwood floor.

"Well, that was at least nine tons off my shoulders..." The blonde said, finally being released from the tight hug, breathless, short, wheezing laughs coming from all of them as they lay unmoving, tired but happy.

None of them bothered to get up, content to lay on the floor, on each other.

They talked about the future, what they needed to do to reach it, what they wanted to do once they graduated and left town, some serious, some silly, some plans mixed in with some wishful thinking.

"I'm gonna shave all my hair off right after graduation." Joan declared, flat on her back, eyes fixed to a certain point in the ceiling where the colour of the wood became lighter, large hands holding Paula's dark ones.

"Yeah?" The voice was Julia's, but Lilith couldn't see her, the girl probably above her, just outside her peripherals along with Colette.

"Yeah! I'm not even gonna wait til we get to San Fran. We can just shave it off in the back of my pick-up truck and huck it at whatever car passes us."

This earned a snicker from the girls, some of them adding what they'd do if whoever they threw it at decided to pursue them, coming up with outlandish excuses for what to tell the cops ranging from ridiculous ones like "she was shedding" and "the wind just blew it away" to outright slander against whoever the hair hit like "they were following us so we tried to throw them off" and "they actually tried to throw that at us, but it backfired."

"In all seriousness though, we are _not_ cutting your hair while the truck is running. I don't want my girlfriend ending up with scissors in her skull." Paula flipped herself over to lay on her stomach and reached over to twirl a lock of Joan's hair, not caring enough to prop her body up, letting her cheek press against the ground while the others burst into laughter at the mere mention of scissors.

"We chop it off at some gas station bathroom or we wait til we pull over somewhere to camp for the night and do it there."

"Aww..." They all lamented the loss of a prank before Colette spoke up.

"We can still chuck it at someone if we braid what we can, cut that off, and shave the rest. Then we can hang the braid from a tree and scare hikers!"

"Hell yes!"

The question of what they wanted to do the moment after graduation made it's way around the circle, the answers varying from things like "take a nap" to "get wasted" and "yeah, getting wasted sounds good!"

"Hey, Lilith! You've been hella quiet, dude." Julia coaxes from somewhere in the room. "C'mon! tell us about whatever the fuck you feel like doing!"

"Hmm... I think I'm gonna give my grandpa the middle finger and fuck his study up," She nods to herself, the others made her carry on, telling her to stick it to the man and too count them in with her.

"Yeah!" Lilith laughed, throwing her head back as much as the floor beneath her would allow, adrenaline rushing through her at the mere thought of getting back at the man who had made her life a living hell. "I'm gonna get a knife and just stab his armchair and straight up vandalize all his books and smash that stupid paperweight on his desk!"

The girls cheered and jeered, shouting curses at the man and his bald spot and his cock, joking about everything from erectile disfunction to micro-penises til they devolved into fits of manic, belittling laughter.

From there, they bounced from topic to topic, though they always drifted back to thoughts of tomorrow. It was what made life worth living after all, at least for them.

The sights of the city, the courses they wanted to take, possible part-time jobs, the girls they hoped to meet. (Or at least, the single ones did. Joan and Paula added to this by suggesting cute places where they could go to on dates.)

Eventually though, the question was asked.

"So, anything interesting happen while I was out."

Lilith could immediately tell that those who could see her from the corner of their eyes were staring, leaving her to recount the week's events.

She sighed, long and loud and long.

"Buckle up. This gets shitty and it gets shitty fast."

* * *

It took a good hour and a half to get through everything, the occasional comments from Joan and Julia not very helpful in keeping it short.

"So, let me get this straight-"

"We're not!" Julia cut Colette off, giving Joan a high-five while the rest of them groaned.

"As I was saying, in the two weeks that I was gone," she took a deep breath and spoke again, "Lilith _started a fire_ and met a girl and _fell in love_ and _told_ the girl that she started it because she felt bad about _fucking sandwiches_ also the girl is gay and can't cope with it, which is why when you almost kissed, like, _five days after you met_ , she freaked out and cried and _threatened to blackmail you_ if you told anyone about what happened, then proceeded to act like nothing happened literally this morning and freaked out again cause she saw your boobs and again, couldn't cope and had a panic attack during lunch and is now actively rebelling against her mother."

"I wouldn't say the panic attack and _maybe_ gay realization and acceptance happened cause of Lilith's hotness, but like, cause we human?" Paula interjected, still somewhat puzzled on how to put all the admittedly intense happening into words, but being the only one with Eve during the majority of her breakdown, the burden fell to her. "I think she saw how the fact we were lesbians doesn't change how we're human and how we weren't evil like what some sermon taught her or something and had a crisis of faith because of it."

Colette and Julia, who hadn't been able to hear this part of the story earlier, stood in stunned silence, jaws dropped, socks knocked off.

"Oh wow. Well, that was..."

"A lot?"

"A mood killer?"

"A really bitchy thing to do?"

"All of the above."

Lilith only shrugged, the "I-told-you-so" more implied than anything.

The night was drawing to a close, the girls knowing and dreading that soon, eventually, in the next thirty minutes, they'd have to go home.

"I think that's enough for tonight. They'll turn the lampposts off at three and it's not safe out without it."

"Okay, but one last question, is this girl on our side now or what? I mean, we already know she won't tell anyone we're gay cause then Lilith could just tell them that she's gay too, but is she one of us now?"

They exchanged glances before reaching a unanimous "no."

"She could be, though. If she apologizes for being a dick and accepts the fact she's gay, all our problems with her are gone." Joan added, albeit rather begrudging.

The girls nodded, agreeing once more. They felt sorry for her, yes, especially since they all knew what it was like to be in Eve's place, but it was no excuse.

With those final statements filled with pity, the night was over.

Dusting themselves off, they sat up slowly and stood on wobbly, somewhat numb legs, they helped each other up, some being pulled to their feet, some leaning on other's for support. Even when their legs didn't feel like that of a newborn deer's, their movements were sluggish. No one wanted the night to end, not even Paula, the one who suggested it. They wanted to stay here and sleep and cuddle and feel safe with each other. But so many good things had already happened that night, and no one wanted to push their luck and potentially jeopardize the plan by getting caught.

They left silently, not a single goodbye uttered, not so much as a wave given.

It was probably for the better.

Lilith knew she'd end up in tears if they had to vocalize their parting. It wasn't like the other nights where they themselves knew that they had not the means to leave, no matter how much they wanted to. This was different. They enough money to leave whenever they wanted, the only things keeping them back were themselves.

She tried not to dwell on it during the walk home, mind shutting off all internal debates about whether it was sadder to be locked up with no choice or to willingly stay, making what was once a cage you were forced in to that of your own.

Instead, she remembered her friends' echoing laughter, the familial warmth of their company, memories made not even an hour earlier already filtered with fondness and tinted with nostalgia.

It only served to accentuate her sorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Asdfghjkl!! This took forever cause school has been screwing me over but I hope you guys like it 😁💛 This is the first chapter that's only from Lilith's p.o.v. so I'd appreciate if y'all could tell me what you think!!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMFG OKAY SO I FORGOT TO TELL Y'ALL BUT OCTOBER 28 IS CANONICALLY LILITH'S BIRTHDAY!! This chapter is for you, you funky little lesbian <333 (There will be a chapter with her actual birthday soon tho!!)
> 
> Anyways, shameless self-promotion time, I have a tumblr!! If you guys wanna know more/send me asks about the book, my other wips, or just wanna chat, you can follow me on there!! I promise I'm very nice :DDD
> 
> https://bottleofspilledink.tumblr.com

Eve arrived at school at exactly seven in the morning, a whole hour before class was supposed to start. She had gotten there in record time too, legs sore with how eager she was to leave the house.

You see, Eve had miscalculated her father’s arrival.

Severely.

Rather than arriving as she had slept, he walked through the door just in time for breakfast. Shirt crumpled, hair ruffled, a sated look in his brown eyes. He wasn’t even trying to hide it anymore. They were too tired for that. Yes, long gone was the happy couple trying to make it all work. In their place, the shell of who they once were, wilting husks with only overwhelming sadness and a want for temporary pleasure filling it.

Breakfast was somehow worse than dinner. Far from suffocating, she felt as if she were choking despite how well she chewed her serving of eggs. The dining room, already nowhere near welcoming before, seemed to taint everything in it, the sour mood permeating it seeping into her orange juice, making it taste as if it had gone bad weeks ago. (It hadn’t, though. She even helped her mother load groceries into the refrigerator. The juice had been there for no more than two days.)

Eve sat on that on a wooden courtyard bench, the very same one she sat on just eleven days ago, legs sore from how fast she pedaled, aching almost as much as she ached to get out of that horrid hou-

 _“Shut up.”_ Her mind echoed. It was painful, how hard she hard to try to stop herself from saying things she shouldn’t, from _doing_ things she shouldn’t. _“You should be grateful you even have a family. You know how people here feel about broken homes and single moms…”_

“Eve!” Elizabeth came up from behind her, slender arms wrapping around her in a hug. She was in a good mood, giggling behind her manicured hands, cheeks tinted the signature pink of love – or simply infatuation. It was hard to tell, really, if your friend truly loved a man when you yourself were incapable of such things, try as she might, no matter how hard she forced herself to.

Nothing came of it. Nothing would _ever_ come of it.

“So, I’m assuming you had a fun night?”

Just because Eve didn’t understand what was so thrilling about kissing boys and all that came after it, didn’t mean she wouldn’t listen to Elizabeth’s excited ramblings of it. She knew what was expected of her. One day, hopefully not one day soon, she would find a boy she could tolerate, a decent one she would at least come to love as a friend; she would marry him and lie with him, as a good wife does and bear his children.

And she would tolerate it.

Just because she was _like Lilith,_ didn’t mean she had to act like her, didn’t mean she had to act on what she felt for her.

“Not just a night!” Elizabeth’s dark eyes twinkled, gesturing wildly and almost obscenely with her hands. “I was with him every night during the weekend _and_ Monday night. I got Mary to vouch for me so we could go out.”

“Out?”

The brunette nodded, clearly deliberate in stating that they went out in order to say: “He just got his driver’s license so we went out on his motorcycle to celebrate!”

“Motorcycle?” Eve perked up, pleasantly surprised her friend wasn’t here to brag about her sex life and the fact that Zachariah could drive. (Really, the last thing she needed was a detailed description of a blowjob, especially considering that her breakfast wasn’t sitting right with her, though that may just be her lingering dread speaking.)

“Yup! Since he’ll be on a scholarship for college next year, he convinced his parents to let him use the money they set aside for it to buy a bike.”

She went on about the boy and the places he’d taken her, a genuine joy in her every motion, in her every word, excitement clear to all who would lay eyes on her.

Oh, Eve could feel her happiness, potent, so close yet completely unattainable to the likes of her. That wasn’t a new realization, not by any means, no, but _God_ , it was different this time; a bitter bile rising in her, leaving the taste of acid and envy and a sorrow not unlike that of resignment, of loss.

But between Elizabeth’s giggles and how nice the boy seemed to be, the taste would soon fade into a sweet sugar cookie sort of fondness.

Only a hint of that resignment remained, a tangy, rotten after taste.

* * *

Unlike the first day of their newly implemented schedule, today was not so tense.

Rather, the two girls sat next to each other, not even a ruler’s length apart, not tense but tenuous both of them lost in a labyrinth of thoughts and drowning in a sea of emotions either too scary to name or too muddled to be sure of, everything mixing and melding and melting like a soup with a certain ingredient you couldn’t quite place.

The memory of yesterday was burned into their minds, playing again and again on an endless loop for reasons they dare not say, the same words spoken and heard from slightly different perspectives with slightly different thoughts accompanying it.

For Lilith, yesterday was a sign of hope for Eve. She was willing to disobey, allowing herself the occasional indulgence with a bit of coaxing. All Eve needed was a nudge, a gentle push in the right direction. The redhead could imagine it quite vividly, the girl standing before her mother, letting lies slip from her lips, pretending to have been forced into a place of opposition she so evidently wanted to be in. Eve hadn’t even tried to hide the fact that her mother was the only thing keeping her from the club, either too tired to make up an excuse or just feeling comfortable enough to open up about it to her.

For Eve, yesterday was the end of playing dumb, the end of turning a blind eye to her own desires and the undeniable humanity of people… _like Lilith_. She could hardly believe all that had happened despite it being so clear in her head. Between what see had seen in the locker room and what had happened over lunch and the things she’d willingly done during club time… it was all too much.

Yesterday was the end of life as she knew it. Or rather, it was the _beginning_ of the end.

After all, progress took time and it was by no means linear. Especially not during matters of this nature.

“So what did your mom say?” Lilith said. She was trying to separate what she felt for that woman from her voice, and she was doing well, disdain for her considered. Really, fussing over every little detail of her daughter was one thing but the fact that the concern she displayed was not for said daughter but for her future husband was something she couldn’t forgive. Still, she kept her language plain and her tone neutral. Most people didn’t take kindly to other’s insulting their mothers.

“Oh, I haven’t told her.” The way Eve’s voice trembled when she said that “oh” sent arrows through her heart, the dread _palpable_ and utterly unnerving. “She hasn’t asked yet and I didn’t have a good time to bring it up so I’ll just wait for her to say something. Maybe she’s assuming I joined the book club again?”

A lie by omission was better than an outright one but it was a lie nonetheless and the guilt of it didn’t do much to ease the girl’s tension, though the fact that she would be able to avoid that conversation for a while longer did.

“Speaking of books,” Lilith coughed, deciding to change the topic before Eve withdrew into her mind “what did you guys do in that club? Just read all day and discuss books? Is there even anything good in that library?”

“Well, most of it _is_ theology and reference books, yeah, but those can be good! There are a few volumes of Sherlock Holmes near the history section! It’s not a complete collection _at all_ but definitely better than nothing.”

She could already feel the dopey grin making it’s way onto her face. In the short amount of time they’ve known each other, Lilith would be hard pressed to find a time Eve had been this happy about anything. Unbridled joy was a good look on everyone. The gleam in their eyes that only came from a genuine liking for something, the way they’d gesticulate, unable to contain all their passion.

Granted, Eve didn’t gesture so much as flap her hands about, but while joy looked good on everyone, it also looked different in everyone and Lilith found this eccentricity of hers adorable to no small degree.

“They have Phantom of the Opera tucked away somewhere near this compilation of Edgar Allan Poe I’ve been able to read a few times. A bit macabre but still good! Oh, you know they have books on gardening, too! I can show you next time we go and you can check out one or two if you want! The ones on herbs was fun but I think you’ll find the one on flower language an interesting read. It’s not _exactly_ about gardening, but still. Did you know that the way you tied a bouquet could completely change the meaning of all the flowers you were trying to send?”

She spoke in a mix of short, rapid-fire sentences and long-winded rants, switching with no real pattern, rambling and occasionally straying to go on a tangent about a specific book or mention something about gardening, none of which Lilith understood, being unable to name any flowers by appearance other than rose, daisy, and sunflower, though she listened eagerly nonetheless.

“But back to books! Near the back, just by the cookbook – oh, and um, don’t tell anyone but –” Eve scooted her wooden chair across the wooden floor, mindlessly brushing Lilith’s hair back, placing her lip just two centimeters scant of her ear. “There are books hidden there, by older girls, I think. Ones that graduated a really long time ago.”

Eve’s ivory-like hands cupped the small space around Lilith’s ear, shielding their words from any listening ears, anything that happened behind her hands hidden from prying eyes. In the midst of her whispering, she realized she could kiss Lilith; a gentle peck on the shell of her ear. No one needed to know. Just a quick press of the lips, it wouldn’t take longer than a second… or two.

And though she ignored the impulse, the thought lingered.

“Love poems and romance novels. I’m pretty sure they wrote it all themselves. Two of them are just a bunch of papers with holes punched in the side tied together by string, no cover. Technically more manuscript than book but you know what I mean. The others are leather bound journals, hand-written.”

“No kidding?” The other asked, hushed, nothing anyone further than Eve would catch. She didn’t dare say it louder, both unwilling to let anyone eavesdrop on them and scared that the excessive movement of her jaw would lead Eve farther from her.

“Nope, they’re there.” She pulled away from the girl’s ear but didn’t bother to move her seat back to where it was, their legs pressed together beneath the table they shared. “I haven’t been able to read much of any of them cause I’m scared I’ll get too absorbed to notice anyone walking past but their poems are really good! I can show you sometime, along with the gardening books.”

“We can go there later, during lunch. I’ll keep watch for while you read.”

The offer turned the girl’s waning grin into a megawatt smile, dimpled and rosy cheeked, she looked like a Raphaelite painting, a masterpiece.

“Really?”

“Sure! I’m always up for a bit of casual disobedience.” She replied with a wink and a deep chuckle, using amusement as a cover for endearment.

“Holy cow, thank you so much! But I’m pretty sure we’re not _actually_ breaking any rules, I–”

_Smack!_

“Everyone bring out your composition notebook! We’re going to use the rest of homeroom to learn how to read sheet music before proceeding to the music room so if you want to fool around on the piano you’d best master this quickly.”

With that, Eve jerked away from Lilith, bringing her chair along with her and causing a loud, grating noise to make it’s way through the now silent room, every head whipping around to face them, the eyes now bearing into them, mostly shocked, some irritated, with one judgmental look from the front, from Sister Bernadette.

“No movement of chairs unless otherwise stated!”

“But-”

“Put the seat back where it was _immediately_ or get detention!”

Lilith then pulled the girl down into her seat, cutting off another protest and brought the seat back to where it was before the nun entered, effectively ridding all the space between them.

Only when the woman turned to face the blackboard did she whisper to Eve: “Don’t argue, even if they’re wrong. They’ll just call it disrespectful and send you to the principal’s.”

“Oh… I’m sorry, I’m just not used to getting yelled at here so I wasn’t sure about– I didn’t know what to do. Sorry, again…”

“Don’t beat yourself up about it.” She gave the blonde a teasing jab along with a soft smile, looking at the girl only from the corner of her sky blue eye so as not to invoke the further ire of the clearly on-edge teacher. “’Sides, the jokes on them. They’re still wrong and we get to stay like this. That’s a win-win if I’ve ever seen one, yeah?”

Eve huffed, a small laugh, in part a sort of thanks for the given consolation, in part a sort of reassurance to the other that she’d be okay, that she’d bounce back.

“Yeah.”

In the end, they weren’t able to go to the music room.

* * *

The hours passed, only a few words passing between the girls every so often, most of it questions related to the work they were assigned. They were careful, Eve unwilling to anger any other authority figures, Lilith trying to fly under the radar, admittedly rather afraid of being called into Mother Cecilia’s office over even trivial matters, knowing it would lead to yet another interrogation regarding the fire.

But finally, the lunch bell rang, granting them freedom and the ability to be enthusiastic without repercussion. (As long as they weren’t too noisy, of course.) All the anticipation and excitement led to Eve shooting out of her chair and practically sprinting to the library, books shoved haphazardly into her book bag as Lilith followed not too far behind her, pleasantly surprised at her actions, though with more emphasis on the pleasant and not so much on the surprised.

“It’s right this way,” The blonde said, not bothering to drop her bag down in her usual seat as they ventured deeper into the library.

Eventually, they reached the deepest, mustiest park of the library, all the shelves covered in a thin sheen of dust save for a single row level with their knees. The sun streaming in from the arching windows only served to accentuate how unkempt the place was, illuminating the dust particles that flew into the air when Eve took to her knees to retrieve the books she spoke so eagerly about.

“The last time I’ve been able to peek at them was a few weeks before summer, so sorry for the dust. You’re not asthmatic, right?” She pulled out a few of the recipe books, setting them aside before reaching in deeper to grab a stack of papers, bound with string, it’s outer most page containing nothing more than a title and a name. Sticking her arm in a bit more, she pulled out two leather journals, putting them down atop the manuscript before taking a few more cookbooks from the shelf and grabbing the last journal along with manuscript type book.

“Nah, I’ll be fine.”

Lilith crouched down next to her, looking at the stack Eve made. The paper ones were practically identical save for a difference in thickness while the leather-bound books varied in colour, one the usual coffee brown, the other a matte black, and the last one a fine, wine-red.

“So, how’d you find all this anyway?” The redhead asked, taking the brown book from the stack, flicking through a random page and instantly regretting it as a cloud of dust came from it, resulting in a rather violent coughing fit, Eve rushing to her and patting her back as her lungs tried to expel themselves through her mouth.

“Are you sure you’re not asthmatic?”

“Eve, I’m not sure how to break it to you, but anyone that gets hit with a face-full of dust is gonna cough a bit. I’ll live.”

“Good point.” She reached over to her bag and took a tumbler from it. “Water?”

Lilith’s fingers brushed against Eve’s as the dark green bottle switched hands, reminiscent of the brief touch they shared the first time they met, on that fateful, windy day in the courtyard.

“Thanks.”

There were a handful of things she expected to happen today, things she prepared an appropriate response for. Watching Lilith gulp down water like a dying man, seeing her throat work with every sip, eyes following the stray drops that rolled down her chin and her neck, making it’s way to the opening of her shirt before finally stopping, absorbed by the fabric that now clung to parts of her chest, was evidently not one of those things.

“T-thanks to you, too… Lilith.”

The girl in question merely raised an eyebrow and snorted.

“If you wanted to start with this book, you could’ve just said so.”

Lilith passed the book she was holding to her, instead grabbing the red one and holding it out an arm’s length away and flapping it about, effectively getting most of the dust out.

They settled into a comfortable silence after that, content to exist in the same space, unburdened by the unspoken as they read. Sock-clad legs parallel to each other, pressed flush against the flesh, they looked so similar to how they did yesterday, this morning.

Lighter, though. Somehow.

Perhaps it was the lack of looming dread, the weight of anxiety gone from Eve’s mind, for now at least. Perhaps it was the lack of fear, Lilith’s worry for Eve gone, again, if only for now.

* * *

As Eve went on, she became enamored by the prose, the delicate descriptions crafted from simple every day life and feelings, invested by the admittedly somewhat familiar protagonist, Nina, and her best friend, Rosalie, or as Nina would so fondly call her, Rosie.

Bit by bit, though, things were changing between them. Or maybe they haven’t changed at all and she was just blind to it. Either way though, things became different, odd, _queer._

_“I carded my hands through her soft, black hair just like I had so many times before. “Will you braid it for me?” She asked, lifting her head from off my lap, resting on her elbows. Not quite lying down, not quite sitting up.”_

She couldn’t help but think that the first sentence implied something.

_“Rosalie would get her blazer dirty, stomach pressed into the grass as she traced patterns on my lap, the fabric of my skirt shifting, spiraling. “Of course,” I couldn’t say no if I wanted to, but why would I even consider refusing her?”_

The way Nina spoke about Rosalie, the way Rosalie spoke to her in turn, the affection they showed to each other, the way she would describe Rosalie in text was akin to that of love… romantic love.

Eve brushed the thoughts aside though, knowing she was probably just projecting her own perversions on the perfectly normal, heterosexual girls.

_“We sat there and spoke of the future, a house deep in the woods, an aged, fat cat. Preferably a tabby. I plucked flowers, giving them a new home with her as I wove it into the braid. Call me sacrilegious but she looked like a God, of-the-earth, of me. She was my God. I’d get in trouble if I ever said that out loud. But then again, I’d get in trouble for practically everything I did with Rosie”_

Alright, maybe it wasn’t just Eve.

_“After finishing the braid, I took a compact mirror from my pocket. “What do you think?” She giggled, deep, brown eyes looking around at the empty field before shimmying over to me, laying a gentle kiss on my cheek. “It’s lovely. You’re lovely.” She moved once more, settling on my lap, lips trailing across my forehead, my eye, my nose, my cheek. Tease. At long last, though, her lips met mine, pressing against me with a soft passion-”_

She dropped the book, hands by her head as a sort of surrender to whatever god may be watching her, judging her, face flushed, chest heaving.

Lilith looked up from her book. “You okay?”

She read that. She _enjoyed_ that.

That knowledge was the straw that broke the camel’s still recovering back.

The guilt from yesterday and everyday before that built up in her lungs, drowning her, hastening her hellish damnation. Her thoughts were consumed by apologies and prayers and pleas for a mercy she wasn’t deserving of.

Tears fell from her face like angels from the sky, a testament to her sins, her guilt.

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Suffocating, stifling, sinful guilt.

Crashing down on her as if she was being smitten, painful and shameful and rightful guilt.

She sobbed and shook, hands over her mouth to stop herself from wailing her anguish, her agony, her _guilt._

But a pair hands weren’t enough to contain everything in her and all that spilled out. Nothing was.

Whimpers escaped through the gaps of her fingers, Lilith forgetting her shock and rushing over to comfort her.

It only made her cry harder. Lilith’s touch burned.

Eve clung to her though, rising to her knees, hands clutching at Lilith’s shirt.

It was yesterday all over again.

It was worse.

She couldn’t deny what she was anymore. Every passing second made it harder to craft lies and alibis and that would be a sin too and she’d go to hell regardless.

Burying her face in the crook of Lilith’s neck in a futile attempt to silence herself, Eve could smell the sweet, apple cinnamon perfume the girl had sprayed on earlier.

The way the scent made her face flush, even with everything going on and everything she was feeling was _sick._

It twisted her stomach.

She felt disgusting, sinful, wrong, guilty.

But as she sobbed and shuddered and breathed the scent in…

It twisted her stomach.

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

* * *

“It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay, Eve.” She whispered, soft, the words meant for one person and one person only.

Lilith wasn’t a naturally soothing person. Never in her life did she have to console someone in such a way, her friends all preferring to be distracted from their sorrows by quips and jokes. This was different, though. _Eve_ was different.

Eve made her soft and kind to a degree she could hardly fathom. Gone was her icy exterior and harsh features, traded in for a comforting smile and gentle hands.

The girl sobbed and prayed into her shoulder, unable to hear her over muttered prayers and the sound of her own heartbeat, a frantic thump in her heaving chest.

From an outsider’s point of view, it would look like Eve was the one doing the comforting, seeming to pray over Lilith in a manner akin to that to someone being exorcised, a two-person prayer circle.

“Eve,” She whispered, gently trying to pry the girl away from her so she could talk, immediately stopping when the blonde only cried harder at the gesture. “I’m gonna need you to take deep breaths, Eve. Can you do that for me, please?”

The girl hiccupped, body wracked by sobs though clearly trying to follow.

“That’s right, just like that.”

Lilith’s spindly hands made her way up and down Eve’s back in tranquil motions.

“Wanna tell me what’s making you cry? I won’t tell anyone not even Paula and Joan.”

Eve shook her head, not even lifting her head from the crook of Lilith’s neck, her tip of her nose drawing a line from where her neck sloped down to her shoulders.

“Are you sure?”

“Yea-ah…”

Breathing still ragged, eyes still red-rimmed, cheeks still tear-stained, she pulled away from Lilith, sniveling.

“I’m s-sorry, I don’t know why I’m even crying-”

She cut the blonde off, though. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. But please don’t lie to me. You know why you’re crying. I’m not gonna make you talk about it, but you know.”

“Okay.” Eve whispered, a sort of willing surrender.

It was evident to Lilith that she wanted to talk. Shame held her back, unfortunate and burdensome. She didn’t speak, instead picking up the book from where it fell, opening to the page she had last read, finger tapping the paragraph before sliding the book across the small gap between them.

She skimmed over the paragraph and a few thereafter, finding nothing of note until she finally saw what Eve meant.

“This is what you were crying over?”

All she got in response was a nod, the girl looking to be on the brink of tears again.

“Why?”

Eve shook her head again. Her lip trembled, jutting out like a child trying their best not to cry.

“If I guess right will you tell me?”

Nothing.

“Want me to stop?”

Again, there was no reply.

“Can you tell me what you want me to do?”

A shrug of the shoulders. Nothing else.

“Do you know what you want me to do?”

She shook her head no, a few tears going with it. The only thing that left her mouth was a shaky sigh as she carded her hands through her hair. Tired. Eve looked tired. She was all that and more.

Lilith looked away from her, the pity she felt too much. There was nothing she could do. If only for a moment, she felt the degree of helplessness Eve felt, knowing she couldn’t help. It wasn’t foreign to her, helplessness. It was like seeing an old friend.

She could never bring herself to be angry or even annoyed at what was happening to Eve. Not when it’s happened to her, to Paula, to Joan, to Julia, to Colette.

Lost in thought, she was snapped back to reality as Eve dragged her closer, making her face away as the girl hugged her from behind.

Eve cried into her. It wasn’t the way she cried mere minutes ago, however. It was calmer, no hiccups or shaking. Only tears streaming down the girl’s face and soaking into Lilith’s shirt with a sniffle every once and a while.

Time passed and Lilith grew bolder, hand wandering to where Eve’s were wrapped around her stomach. Her touch was tentative, Eve’s hand treated like a fine porcelain piece.

“Is this okay?”

“No.” She said.

But she didn’t push Lilith’s away, instead opting to hold it, their fingers weaving together, slotting together as if their very flesh and bone were sculpted to be together, to intertwine, to love.

How cruel of God to craft two people for each other the turn to create a world were they were not to be.

“None of this is okay.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY SO I FORGOT TO SAY LAST CHAPTER CAUSE I WAS EXCITED THAT THE BOOK EVE WAS READING IS A SNEAK PEEK OF MY NEXT BOOK IN THE SAME UNIVERSE AS THIS BUT FURTHER BACK!!!

“Welcome to the gardening club!” Veronica, a junior, the girl they’d elected last year before the senior members (that had previously made up a large majority of their club) had graduated, said to them, all cheery smiles and chipper voices, despite the admittedly low turn-out.

“Now, we’ll be doing introductions in just a minute, but as of right now, we’re going to be grabbing a pair of gloves and picking aprons out!”

She quickly ducked inside the gardening shed, opening a locker from inside and taking out about fifteen colourful aprons and laying them out on the table they prepared just for the occasion.

“Whatever you pick today is what you’ll be stuck with for the rest of the year, so act fast. All disputes will be settled through three rounds of rock-paper-scissors.” She said, looking at two girls whose eyes seemed to gravitate towards the same garment.

“However, you will be provided another apron if yours gets too worn and breaks, so don’t worry about really getting down and dirty, which, if you’re only just learning about now, _what_ are you doing here?”

That pulled a chuckle out of the girls as they crowded around the table.

From that crowd stood Lilith and Eve, side by side, refusing to meet each other’s eyes.

Well, more Eve than Lilith.

Lilith was doing everything she could to make the other look at her, all attempts ending in failure, either in the form of being ignored or catching a different girl’s attention.

The air between them had stayed tense since they’d left the library, neither of them having the chance or courage to try and alleviate it, instead choosing to stew in it and hope it would go away on it’s own.

Clearly, though, it would do no such thing.

Her blue eyes scanned around them, in a desperate search for something to make light of, before it finally landed on one of the aprons upon the table.

Just looking at it was enough to make her cringe. If it was something she’d seen while out shopping with her grandmother, she would desperately steer the woman in another direction, hoping to heaven that it hadn’t caught the other’s eye lest she make her try it on.

_“Am I really going to do this?”_

She groaned internally.

_“Yes. Yes, I am.”_

* * *

“Hey, Eve!”

The blonde turned around, happy the other had decided to take initiative in getting rid of the tense air between them, though the response she’d prepared had died before it even left her mouth when she saw what Lilith was wearing.

On Lilith was a red apron with a white, frilly trim, a flannel pattern making up the red parts. It’s bottom part reached just above her knee, the ends of her skirt sticking out. That wasn’t what shocked her though, no. What was most shocking was the _heart-shaped bodice_ that hung loose on Lilith, the ties at her neck and waist yet to be adjusted to fit her correctly.

“Help me tie this?” She asked, quirking a brow as well as a lip.

Oh, that sincere expression did it, laughter springing from her like a burst fire hydrant, it’s sound washing away of any awkwardness that lingered between the two.

“Holy sh-” She guffawed, unable to continue, glee stealing all that remained in her lungs. Breath escaped her in short huffs of joy every few seconds as she tried her best to get it to stop for long enough to speak, though it seemed that trying to keep it in only made it stronger.

“Aw, come on, Eve,” Lilith pouted, jutting out her bottom lip out so far it was comical. “Don’t you think I look pretty?”

She sighed wistfully, finally calming. But despite the absence of laughter, her joy was still there, made clear with the dopey, lovesick grin that spread her mouth ear to ear.

The hand that had once covered her mouth slid across the table to where Lilith’s was resting, giving it a slight, tender squeeze before she spoke. “You look _adorable_.”

It was Lilith’s turn to smile now, cheeks flushed as red as her apron. Oh, she’d chose to look like a fool a thousand time over just for another moment like that.

“Thanks.”

They stared at each other silently.

Something passed between them, a kind of secret, a sort of unspoken, unacted upon longing they shared; it was potent, tangible, electric, even. It would have been clear to anyone watching, though they would have denied it’s existence, refusing to acknowledge the simple, sinful fact that these girls were in love. Desperately so.

“Seriously though, can you help me adjust this?”

“Oh, yes! Of course!”

And with that, it had ended. A small moment of tenderness and love unabashed, a miniscule and infinitesimal minute in their short, but seemingly so stretched-out lives that they would treasure and look back upon with a fond nostalgia reserved only for such memories.

Lilith turned away from her then, swooping her hair over her shoulder and crouching down to give Eve better access to the ties.

She could only giggle at the action, “You know that’s not necessary, I’m only a _bit_ shorter than you anyways. I can reach the ties just fine.”

The redhead decided to be cheeky, falling to her knees with a cackle, looking back at Eve with her signature smirk.

“Rude!” She said, delivering a good-natured smack to the girl’s shoulder.

“Not rude,” Lilith choked back a laugh, clearly already amused by her planned response, “just being honest.”

Eve tugged on the ties to tilt Lilith’s head up, “Oh, really? I didn’t know you knew how to do that.”

The split second of worry she’d experienced from the fear she’d gone too far quickly faded into a now familiar warmth spreading through her, knowing she was the cause of the hearty chuckle that came deep from Lilith’s chest.

“How short are you?”

“I’m pretty sure the question is supposed to go “how _tall_ are you” but to answer that question. I’m five feet and four inches.”

“Then you’re short!”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

Lilith finally rose, mostly to prove a point but also so Eve could get to the ties to go around her waist, holding her arms out all the while as a sort of “go ahead” gesture.

The seconds that followed made her heart hammer. She had to step forward, close to Lilith, to grasp the ribbons that for some reason rested by her front instead of her side. Eve reached around, praying no one would hear her heart hammer against her ribs as if it were trying to break free in a never-ceasing attempt to proclaim its love.

It filled her with shame.

Oh, but who could be bothered by such unsavoury things when they were so close to their beloved?

For a brief moment, it was as if Eve held the girl in an embrace, the type of embrace one would give to a lover. It was agony to have to move, yet infinitely easier to stay, to give in to temptation and press their bodies together, to bury her face into the crook of her neck once more, to let Lilith stand as a shield between her and the God she’d come to fear so.

But she ripped herself away and went back to her original task.

“Tell me, then,” She said, distracting herself from all she longed for, “how short are you?”

Her eyes were helpless to the way the ribbon accentuated the girl’s figure, try as she might to stop herself from ogling. It made the rather loose uniform seem tighter, bringing it closer to her body, showing off her waist as the fabric bunched.

She pulled the on apron strings a bit more than necessary, wanting to see more, _needing_ to see more.

The sight filled her with ache.

She couldn’t help but wonder if Lilith ached for her, too…

“I’m five foot eight.” The girl said, finally turning to face her once she finished. Everything about her could be described as smug, from her smirk to the way she put her hands on her hips as if she had triumphed. “Decidedly, not short.”

“And just who decided that?”

“Society.”

“Okay then, what counts as short and what counts as tall.”

“Easy. Anyone below five foot five is short, anyone above is tall.”

Eve laughed, incredulous. “Where did you even get that?”

“From society,” Lilith answered with a laugh of her own.

Before their banter could continue, however, the club leader spoke and ushered them all elsewhere.

“Okay so we’ll be the ones to give you the gardening gloves. Don’t get too excited, though, they’re all green and have no patterns whatsoever.”

She pulled out a small crate from under the table, put there ahead of time, all filled with gloves that were tied together with rubber bands by the pair.

“You guys are gonna have to take them home and wash them yourselves. I suggest bringing a small plastic bag to put them in after use. Trust me, I ruined a textbook once ‘cause I was trying to catch the second bus and just threw them in!” She sighed, though clearly amused by the story now. “I wouldn’t recommend it.”

Once the laughter brought about by that little anecdote had died down and everyone had grabbed a pair, the girl casually strolled away from the table only to roll out a whiteboard from inside the shed, already half-filled with a neat script.

“Now, everyone please take a seat. Here’s the _actual_ orientation!”

* * *

Out of the many things Lilith had done to impress girls in the past, this might have been the tamest, yet most ridiculous and out-of-character thing to date.

Here she was, sitting on the grass in a frilly apron, listening to someone talk about flowers and the correct way to plant them and how to hold a trowel. Well, half-listening. Try as she might to focus on Veronica go on about how to plant flowers and how to properly hold a trowel and what events they would be involved in this year, her eyes would always wander to the girl next to her, to Eve.

She doubted that Eve, herself, was aware of the smile that had made it’s way onto her face. Really, Eve was the picture of happiness with her rosy, dimpled cheeks and her shining tawny eyes, utterly mesmerized by the lecture.

Lilith was mesmerized, too, mind you. The minutes went by as she gazed at Eve, enraptured in every sense of the word. There was something ethereal about Eve, whether it be the shine of her hair, so glinting and gleaming so captivatingly that even the finest gold chains could do nothing to rival it, the way the light caught her face, making clear her cupid’s bow lips, highlighting the small, usually unseen freckles dotting over her nose and cheeks.

So many stories came to mind at the sight, most prominent of all being one she had overheard as a child.

It was during recess in second grade, her friend, Monica, sniveling and sobbing her eyes out as other girls teased her for her moles and freckles as Lilith stood by to comfort her, risking ostracization herself. She laughed at the memory. Truly, her history of doing anything for girls she liked stretched back even longer than she thought.

After the teacher had arrived and scolded the other girls, she pulled them aside, Lilith refusing to leave the other for as long as she cried coming with them, Monica refusing to let go of her hand.

There, in the corner of their colourful classroom decorated with plastic planets and paper fishes and cardboard elephants, she whispered to them in her delicate voice about how people were made in heaven.

She spoke of angels sculpting them from clay, their hands gently and lovingly shaping them before handing them over to God so he could breathe life into them. Sometimes, she said, the angles would look at them and love them so much that they would kiss the clay, blessing them, leaving a mark that would stay with them when they got to earth in the form of a freckle.

Oh, how she wished to become an angel, if only so she could kiss Eve, if only so she could place upon her the mark of her love.

Granted, she wouldn’t have lasted long as one…

But being able to kiss Eve would have been worth the agony that was falling from heaven’s “grace.”

“As that’s that for orientation! You guys can go now,” Veronica said, clasping the sides of the whiteboard as she wheeled it back inside the shed. “Oh, except Eve Peccator and Lilith Damien!”

She locked the garden shed and grinned.

“You two stay. We need to talk about a few things.”

Lilith, having been very gay for a very long time, had only one reaction to such words.

_“Oh fuck. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh-”_

Eve, having been very scared of being _like Lilith_ for a very long time, had a similar response.

It being: _“Oh no. Oh God, please no. Oh-”_

Really, the words made her heart drop, the half hour spent in utter glee suddenly fading into a crippling sense of danger and nervousness.

“Okay so,” Veronica began, “you probably already noticed that you two are the only members in their senior year, yeah?”

The girl walked them deeper into the gardens, casual as ever. “That’s going to cause us a few problems since I’m only a junior and we only have a day for club per week, unlike you guys who get two since you’re going to be graduating soon. I heard someone say it had something to do with adding to your portfolio?”

“Does that mean we need to leave?” Lilith asked.

While the fear of being discovered had faded since Veronica began to speak of gardening, it had shifted again, this time into a crushing sorrow. She hadn’t even _touched_ a plant yet and now they were getting kicked out…

“Nope! We’ll just be making a few adjustments.” She then said, waving away their fears. “As it is, we’re kinda short on members so we can’t afford to kick anyone out.”

She quickly realized what she said was rather impolite and backtracked.

“Not that we were going to do that if we weren’t short!”

They went under the fruit trees, most of which were barren, having already been harvested, their leaves turning a seasonal orange. Then, they passed the vegetable section, filled with surprisingly healthy crops despite the colder weather. Briefly after, they passed the second shed, apparently filled with chemicals like weed killers and rat poison as well as the heavier equipment of the club, the woodchipper and a chainsaw, that Veronica said only they wouldn’t be provided keys for.

“But yeah, since me and the others will only be here on Tuesdays, you’re going to be given keys to the shed and to the garden gate along with some tasks and instructions I’ll be printing out before the next meeting.

“Wait, so we’re going to be here all alone?” Eve asked. “Without anybody else?”

“Yeah!” She already began filing through her key ring in search of the duplicate keys. “Well, except when we’re here, but your club time during Fridays will be spent alone.”

Eve was fairly certain she was going to scream. Or puke. Or pass out. Or maybe all of that at the same time. Looking over at Lilith, it seemed she was also panicking. (She wasn’t. In part, she was mostly shocked and worried for Eve.)

Veronica was finally able to wring out the keys, one silver and one gold, handing them to Lilith.

“I don’t suggest you try anything with them, you’re the only ones with the spare keys so it’ll be pretty obvious it was you two if anything happens.”

Lilith took them with a simple “okay” before putting them in her pocket.

“That should be it!” Veronica said, her (probably usual) cheer returning to her after speaking her warning. “Remember, gold key is the gate, silver for the shed.”

* * *

With those words, they were walking back to the garden gate, picking up their bags from where they rested on the sides of the shed.

They were leaving.

She had to do this and she had to do it now.

A deep breath for courage and…

“Hey, can we stay for a bit?” Lilith asked. “I’ve never actually been in here and I wanted to have more of a look around.”

“Uh…”

“We’ll lock up after!”

She risked a glance at Eve and silently hoped her plan would work. Lucky for her, it didn’t look like the blonde would bolt or bail.

“You know what, okay! Just be sure to use the lock _and_ the latch when closing the gate.”

“Thanks!” Without waiting a second more, she grabbed Eve by the hand and together they went further back into the garden, Lilith pulling them behind the small space of the second shed.

There was barely a meter between the wood of the shed and the wire of the fence. No one spoke, the two girls simply staring at each other in silence.

It should have been suffocating and awkward.

It wasn’t.

No, it was anything but that. The silence was charged, as if they didn’t need words, as if it was speaking in their place, as if they could hear each other’s hearts hammering and let that speak for itself. Their stares were heavy and filled, a more intense version of earlier. Still filled with love, still filled with longing, brimming with tenderness, an unspoken yearning. Again, so potent, so palpable, practically tangible, utterly _electric_.

“Lilith…” Eve’s voice shaky. She hadn’t let go of Lilith’s hand, she hadn’t tried putting more space between them. “Why did you bring me here?”

All you could hear after those words was their breathing, ragged, nervous, yet still going, matching the frantic rhythm of their hearts.

She didn’t answer, instead pulling Eve to her chest in a hug.

_“Okay, this is my chance.”_

* * *

Eve couldn’t resist, couldn’t even pretend to, not a single protest coming from her mouth. She wanted this. More than anything else, she _wanted_ this. Arms pinned to her side by Lilith, there was nothing she could do to reciprocate; to scared that speaking would make the girl pull away, she hoped, if only this once, that Lilith would hear her heart, her love.

The passage of time was lost to her, all Eve could focus on was the other’s face buried in the crook of her neck. Lilith’s breath was hot. She could feel every sigh, every rise and fall of her chest. Her lips would brush against her pulse with every shift. They were soft and warm, pillowy.

As suddenly as Lilith had grabbed her, she was let go.

The girl pulled away from her with a gentle, satisfied smile.

Surprising herself, she grabbed Lilith’s hand when she backed away.

Her mouth opened. Nothing came out.

Eve wanted more.

But how could she ever say that?

She let go and they left the garden, locking up, never letting loose another word.

* * *

Later that night, she would open her messenger bag to find a light brown book with a pastel yellow sticky note on the front cover.

In large, messy letters it read: _With love, from Lilith._


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! This is your reminder to please mind the rating of the book and the new tag I just added ψ(｀∇´)ψ

It seemed shame and guilt were now constants in her life, far more fervent and unrelenting than it was before; the things Eve did that night were things she would have to take to her grave.

She lay on her stomach, mere inches away from the door, using the little light that seeped in from the hall to read. By no means was it ideal, but she’d take what she could get. Better to have sore limbs than an angry mother discovering her reading (and a gay book, no less!) if she goes to check why the lights are still on.

The book – she considered it a diary for a good while based on formatting, but she couldn’t call it that anymore, not after what was in it – was finished in a single, somewhat uncomfortable sitting. Despite of all the questionable morals and queer subject matter, she practically gobbled it up, forgoing sleep, near unblinking in her pursuit to find out what happens next.

What she was more ashamed of, though, was the fact that Lilith’s note never did leave her hand, always cradled in her palm, her fingers tracing over the letters absentmindedly, thumb dancing over the corners. It stayed in her grasp long after she hid the book away. She pressed it to her chest, feeling the constant pitter-patter of her heart just beneath the paper, just beneath her clothing, just beneath her flesh, just beneath her ribs.

It beat. No matter how hard she willed it to stop. It beat for Lilith.

_With love, from Lilith._

She longed to press her lips to the letter, where Lilith’s hands once were. What did Lilith think of while writing this for her? Of all the words she could have used, of all the things she could’ve written…

_With love._

Her mind spun a fantasy from memories of them, earlier and yesterday and the day before that, from the brief period of them knowing each other, a mixture of yearning and delusion and of darkness, making her hope and wish, no matter how wrong it may be, that the dot just after Lilith’s name was a heart. It looked like a heart, if you squinted at the top. It could have been a heart. She’d scribbled things in the margins of her notebooks and knew that sometimes ink bleed, and what should have been a tiny heart became a mere dot. The thick, dark pentel pen obscured Lilith’s intent from her.

_Love._

Eve wanted it to be a heart. She wanted so much more than that, though. She wanted to kiss the letter. She wanted to kiss Lilith.

Even thinking that, a silent confession in the confines of her mind, made everything hurt. A karmic punishment (or so she thought). It made her chest ache and clench, her breath quicken, her palms sweat.

The crucifix dangled overhead, a reminder of her sin, her greed, the promise of heaven the threat of hell. _Eve should not want. To want is to sin._ And yet, she did.

Her eyes drifted from the letter for the first time in _hours_.

It scared her, that crucifix and all that it meant.

But it did nothing to stop her want.

She pulled the covers over her, hiding from horrified parents, from disgusted friends, from an unjust world, from a cruel God. It wasn’t the same as when she cocooned herself in Lilith’s embrace, wasn’t the same as when she buried her face in the crook of Lilith’s neck. It didn’t even come close. But she would have to make do.

Under her quilt, she sighed. Relief. But not only that. In that breath was longing and sorrow and _love._ Oh, so much love. How could a single breath contain it all? Her fingers trembled. Even under the cover of darkness, her chest ached. Whether it was the tender ache of love or that of fear gripping her didn’t matter. Could she tell the difference at this point?

She held the paper gingerly and, at long last, pressed her lips to the letter, to Lilith’s name, to the small dot she still wanted to be a heart. Her actions were soft, gentle, careful as to not crumple the note. And again, lips grazing over the letter smoothly.

One of her hands let go of the paper, moving down, rustling the soft fabric of her nightgown as it passed her stomach and went lower still.

Her fingers twitched. Hesitance.

Then a sigh, barely heard through the sounds of frantically shifting fabric.

Another soft kiss to the paper. A stifled gasp.

It was sunrise by the time she poked her head out of the covers, panting.

* * *

Eve sat next to Lilith in homeroom, silent despite the hustle and bustle of the room; most girls having gotten up to talk to each other and compare clubs while it wasn’t too late to switch.

She could feel it, even now, her bathwater scalding like hellfire, pelting down on her skin as harsh as hail. Her fingers were still pruney from the long shower. The flush of her irritated skin hadn’t gone down by much, either, though she couldn’t tell if it was from the heat of her shower or the lingering shame. Her thighs burned something fierce, a mixture of near-boiling water and constant, repentant scrubbing.

A self-inflicted punishment.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” She whispered.

Eve didn’t really think she had the right to judge the other for stealing the books, especially after what she’d done, but cruel and horrible as it was both to her and Lilith, chastising another would make her feel better.

If only marginally.

Lilith didn’t even respond, a mere eyebrow raise her only answer.

A dare to continue? A display of anger, annoyance?

She couldn’t tell.

Still, she went on.

“It was library property. You can’t just take a book out of the library without borrowing it, that’s stealing.”

Nothing she said made the burning stop. It was as if hell itself had come to make a home within her, a now dirty, violated temple of the lord. The shame didn’t fade and the guilt still sat deep in her chest, her stomach. She’d scoop it out if she could.

Wasn’t that a pretty image? Her hands deep in her ribs, black sludge flowing freely from her innards, its source unknown by anyone but God. Her sin coming to a physical fruition via the dark liquid rising in her throat, spewing out gruesomely, grotesquely. Maybe it would choke her. Or maybe she would just explode.

“Why’d you take the book?”

Lilith’s expression finally morphed from what she thought was a questioning passiveness to a sad smile. It wasn’t like her other smiles, but just like before, it was like the girl knew something she didn’t.

“So I could give it to you.”

She felt like crying again, a frustrated, incredulous sob rising in her throat. Even after everything she’d already seen, after everything that had already happened, she could hardly comprehend Lilith’s words.

Sensing this, Lilith spoke again: “I did it for _you_.”

It was said so simply, so easily, despite the weight it held, like an anvil turned feather, but not quite; the weight was there, mind you, but Lilith was all too happy to carry it.

“And it’s not stealing,” She argued, shrugging, “it didn’t have the sticker so it wasn’t in the system. Nobody besides you even knew it was there.”

“Still.”

A second passed. It was neither tense or relaxed, more expectant than anything else, Lilith knowing she was going to say something more.

“The note…”

Said item sat squarely in her skirt pocket, folded and protected by her embroidered handkerchief. She tried leaving it at home. It had been slid under the base of her antique lamp before she rose and showered. But the fear of it being discovered lingered, leading her to pocket it before leaving.

That wasn’t the only reason she couldn’t leave it behind, though.

For barely underneath the fear was _longing_ , a longing to be close to the note, to hold it to her. Even now, her fingers twitched, aching to palm it under the table, just out of view.

“What about it?”

Thoughts of the dot echoed in her mind and she vaguely pondered whether confirming Lilith’s intent was worth seeming utterly delusional.

“Did you… mean that?”

“Mean what?”

It could’ve been anything, the answer to that question. Just yesterday when Lilith said it was going to be okay. When she said taking care of someone wasn’t tiring, not when it was her. The time Lilith deserved someone better than a man who only cared for her looks. The note, the thing she was actually here to ask about.

“Love.” Her only answer; the only word brave enough to dare go past her lips, the only one she could form despite the near-overwhelming myriad of possible replies.

She didn’t even know if it would be enough.

“Eve,” Lilith smiled again, tender and filled with what could only be… “When have I ever lied to you?”

And it was.

For the both of them, it was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAA HELLO!! YES THIS CHAPTER IS SHORT AT ONLY 1500+ WORDS BUT ALSO THIS WAS A REALLY GOOD PLACE TO END IT SO I’M SORRY ;--;
> 
> As a little side note tho, CHRISTMAS BREAK STARTS SOON!! I’m an atheist so I don’t actually celebrate it tho since I live with my very Catholic family who doesn’t know I’m an atheist i also sorta do,,,,, bUT THAT’S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!!!! I’m telling y’all about the break mostly because it starts on the sixteenth of December and ends two of January which is like,,,,,,, a lot of time to write so please stay tuned for that 💛
> 
> OH ALSO!! I recently wrote a tiny fluff one-shot for the girls up on tumblr for my bro incase y'all wanna check that out!!!!
> 
> (P.S. please comment, I want attention and validation ;--;)
> 
> (Might drop a chapter on the twenty-fifth,, just for shits and giggles :P)


	15. Chapter 15

Now, normally a love confession would be followed by an answer. It was only rational. Declare your love and wait for a response. Either get a relationship or get rejected.

Lilith was not, however, what society by and large would actually deem 'normal' and neither was this confession. The word 'love' was not mentioned once, leaving her to wonder if Eve actually _did_ understand her...

As the days passed, what was unspoken but clearly there blossomed, from a pinky-sized seed into a lush bouquet that filled their chest with an indescribable yearning and their conversations with heavy pauses, gazes overflowing with a tenderness that far surpassed what was appropriate between fond friends.

Soon, though, the rubber band holding the bouquet together would snap.

Soon, Lilith would come to know that Eve understood her _quite_ _well_.

From the tension that sat in the five inches of space between their two chairs, something akin to electricity buzzing there, to the way Eve would eagerly ramble about the (not forbidden, she was still too shy to talk about what exactly was in the book Lilith snuck into her bag) books she'd read during lunch, to the patience Lilith would show as they ran through equations in study hall.

What was unspoken was slowly growing whether Lilith or Eve wanted it too. Like an unkillable weed that always grew back, no matter how many times you've pulled it out of the ground, no matter the chemical you chose to douse it with. But far more beautiful... That is, if the gardener would allow it to grow.

And everyone who was willing to see it would know it was there, _what_ was there, even if the people feeling it were too scared to give it a name, even if the people seeing were too scared to admit it existed.

* * *

It was Thursday night on the same week as the incident, Lilith and Joan sat drinking cola in the shack, crickets and cicadas chirping in chorus outside, no one else with them busy with part-time jobs and family dinners and catching up on a week of homework.

  
"Hey." Joan said, trying to steer the conversation away from their light-hearted chats and towards something a bit more... complicated, a tad more touchy.

"Yeah?"

"Are... Eve, I mean." The brunette took a long sip from her can, the relaxed air between them shifting as she stalled what she needed to say. "Are you sure we can trust her?"

"What do you mean? She's obviously gay and in denial-"

"That's the point." Joan fixes her with a soft stare, trying to strike the balance between firm and sympathetic. "I doubt Eve's even admitted it to herself, and even if she has, she's no friend of ours yet."

"Where's all this coming from all of a sudden?" Lilith can't help but be defensive. After everything she'd told Joan about Eve and how she felt for her, after everything Joan had seen Eve go through just that Monday, how could she still be against the girl?

"They're holding confession tomorrow."

"What?"

"In the afternoon, just before club. There's going to be confession." Another sip from her drink, faster this time. "The holy type."

Aster blue eyes widened, if only a fraction, in shock.

"And what's that got to do with anything?"

Lilith knew exactly what Joan was implying, now considering the possibility herself having remembered what was happening tomorrow _and every week after that_. She wouldn't admit it, though, refusing to doubt Eve despite the danger it may pose to trust her, to... love her.

"Are you sure she won't crack?"

It hurt to think of. The chance of betrayal very real and very close, the things it may cost them all hung heavy in the air. What they'd worked for during the past year – the subject of many serious chats, full of tears and thinking and uncertainties, the cause of many sleepless nights, weighing risk and reward, planning – could vanish in an instant and make them vanish with it.

She could practically feel the 'Godly Living' brochures in her hand.

It was another thing she tried not to think of too much; her friends strapped into electric chairs and deadly hydrotherapy chambers, pumped full of pills that made them nauseous at the very thought of love with women or ones that didn't let them think at all, the possibility of getting _lobotomized_.

"- could out us! She could out _you!_ "

Joan's voice pulled her from her mind before she could go too deep.

The emphasis on 'you' nearly made Lilith cry.

At the end of it all, even with the threat it brought to their gay little family, made up of people so vastly different yet somehow so similar, Joan was thinking about _her_.

And she was right to.

Tomorrow, if Eve did give her away, the others would be able to lie their way out of it, come up with alibis and excuses and cry 'I have a boyfriend' because Eve hadn't spent enough time around them to gain anything as evidence because Eve had only been around _Lilith_.

"I don't think she will."

She tried not to sound scared.

"The only thing she really has against me are words anyways..." There was no reason to tell the other of the note she'd written for Eve. Painful as it was, the girl had probably thrown it out by now, especially since she knew what it meant. "And she can't mention experience without admitting what almost happened between us a week ago."

Joan was unconvinced.

"Are you really going to take this risk?"

She tossed Joan a few quarters. Enough for three phone calls on the payphone a mile or so away.

Maybe Lilith was going to risk herself for the sake of some girl.

But she'd be damned if she let her friends do the same thing for her.

"Call the others. Tell them to pack essentials and paperwork. Tell Colette to bring the check."

"Only if you pack a bag too."

"Joan-"

"No. If we have to leave tomorrow, you're coming with us."

It seems they would do the same for Lilith, whether she wanted them too or not.

And that was that.

* * *

  
It was a fine Friday morning in St. Agnes School For Girls. Maybe even her last.

Lilith tried to stay calm. Even as she packed her bags, even as she snuck into her grandfather's office to retrieve her personal papers, even during the walk back to the shack, even while Paula and Joan and Julia and Colette went over what to say if they were questioned about their relationship with one another, their closeness, their relationship with Lilith, specifically.

It was agreed they would never throw each other under the bus. Agreed that, they'd deny all allegations against each other despite the proof, even if it may mean making them complicit.

After all, if they had to flee, they'd flee together.

If even one of them were found out, the plan was to run and pull a fire alarm, notifying the others.

Joan's truck was parked just a few streets away from the school, no more than a quick sprint needed to reach it, key in her pocket, Paula carrying a duplicate, bags already in the back, fastened, Julia had forged a note for them about an after-school activity, buying them some time before a search was called if the school didn't immediately call their guardians, and Colette carried all she needed to cash the check in on her person.

The last thing they did were practice statements, crafting sentences that left no room for interpretation and had no strange implications, absent of loopholes and additional clauses.

"What do we say if any of us are questioned about homosexual activity?"

"I know nothing about that." They said, all in synch, drilling the words into their heads exactly as they were so there was no chance of them being taken out of context and used to spin a narrative. If the nuns wanted any of them sent to conversion therapy, they were going to have to lie through their teeth. "I've never taken part in such things and know no one who has."

They sounded nothing like themselves, Lilith realized in between breaks.

Though she supposed that was the point.

"Again!" Said Joan. "What do you say if they accuse your friends of being homosexuals?"

"My friends and I are good, Christian people who would never willingly associate with homosexuals. I have personal anecdotes to prove the innocence of the girl you are accusing."

It made them sick to their stomachs, having to say such things.

It made them safe, though.

And for now, that was all that mattered.

They were prepared.

But they didn't want to leave. Not yet.

* * *

  
As the day went on, Lilith began to lose her cool, anxiety creeping deep into her bones, growing fidgety and restless. Her leg shook under the table, fingers tapping against the desk and clicking pens, eyes always shifting, looking for another sign that they needed to go.

Was this what Eve felt like every day?

The fear of being found out was in no means foreign to Lilith, nor was the fear of God, a tyrant she used to believe in and worship just like Eve did. But it had faded, her hiding of herself perfected to a science, fear turning into anger as she realized that everything she was raised on was a sham.

It had been too long since she felt this real, crushing anxiety.

She didn't like it.

* * *

  
It was time.

Lilith and Eve sat next to each other in the small chapel on school grounds, just a bit behind the actual building but before the convent, not an inch of space between them as they were squeezed into the pews filled with those yet to receive the sacrament of confession. The seats were divided so that there were two groups of pews, one for waiting, the other for prayer, where many would do their penance. Two confessional booths were far behind them, having been placed like that so none of the girls would see who went in when or be able to hear a peep.

She knew how this was going to happen, how they could possibly get outed.

Priests were not allowed to break their vows and tell the nuns of the sins they'd heard during the confession but a penance was to be given to those who had sinned.

It could be anything from a prayer to an act of service.

It could be telling the nuns what you've done or know someone's done as a way of repenting.

No doubt, if anyone confessed something of significance, they would have to tell Mother Cecilia.

And since most everyone who did this in earnest would believe their soul was on the line, if the girls in this school were truly the people they claimed to be, they would tell the nuns, friendships and loyalties and love be damned as the person they tattle on.

"Eve?" The girl whispered, finally snapping. "The note I gave you, do you still have it?"

The blonde did nothing more than look to the marble floor, hair shielding her face. There was no way for Lilith to tell if she was ashamed or guilty or planning to-

"Please answer me."

"I still have it."

For the first time in years, far longer than what most would consider healthy, Lilith felt herself minutes away from bursting into tears, eyes stinging from having to hold it all in.

"Where?"

Eve refused to meet her eyes when she ducked down to try and catch a glimpse of her face.

"With me, right now, in my pocket."

"Why?"

Before the girl could answer her, a nun appeared to lead Eve into the booth, giving her a light scolding as they went.

"Time before confession should be used to reflect on your sins, Miss Peccator."

"Yes, Sister Jane. I'm sorry."

And with that, she was gone.

* * *

  
It was an eternity later when Lilith left the chapel, finding Eve just outside, to the right, standing amongst stone pillars that had barely started growing moss, waiting.

They were as alone as they could be, the only things watching them were the unseeing eyes of the statue saint surrounding them, whatever creature lingered in the cracks on the chapel's stone, and God.

Perhaps what resided in the _chapel_ was God.

"Eve..." She stepped closer to the girl, desperation potent. "What did you tell them?"

No response.

All she was given were downcast brown eyes and fidgeting fingers, guilt.

Lilith took another step forward, grabbing the other by her hands, letting Eve feel her warmth, her pulse, the softness of her flesh, of the blood that flowed through her veins, of her _humanity_.

"Eve, what did you tell the priest?"

She was screaming now, pulling on the other's hands hard enough to hurt, something, _anything_ to make the girl look up at her, unaware of the tears streaming down her own face.

"Eve? Eve?! What did you tell the priest?!"

Lilith had fallen to her knees, in a plea, in a prayer, the ground beneath her unforgiving and now stained with her blood, dark red and sinful. Eve's hands clasped in hers and pressed to her sweat-soaked forehead as sobs wracked her body harder than it had in years.

They were the image of repentance, a holy figure, a dirty sinner; Eve towered above Lilith as she cried, immaculate and unattached as the girl wept into her skirts and her hands, a holy portrait commissioned by a long-gone pope.

If only they weren't both sinners in His eyes.

_"What did you tell the priest, Eve?!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HOLIDAYS HAVE A FUCKING CLIFF HANGER ψ(｀∇´)ψ 
> 
> Lmao yes I know it's only the 24th but I’ll be back on actual christmas day with the next chapter tho so please don’t be mad at me and I’m very sorry for this (┬┬﹏┬┬)
> 
> Anyways, gimme lots of comments as my present this year please <333 I like attention :P


	16. Chapter 16

"In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit." Eve made the sign of the cross with unsteady hands, filled with fear and guilt and shame and sin, wanting to be cleansed of it but at the same time not wanting to do what she had to in order to be saved, in order to be purified in order to be welcomed back into the Lord's light.

"May the Lord be in your heart and help you confess your sins with true sorrow."

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." Eve couldn't help the tremble in her voice, hands reaching to fidget with the beads of her rosary. It brought her no comfort now, though, she honestly isn't sure if it ever did... "My last confession was three months ago."

"Proceed, my child."

"I've, um..." She pauses momentarily, trying to think of something to say. None of the time she spent outside was spent actually reflecting on her sins. No, instead, the thirty minutes she spent on the pew was used to debate whether she would _actually_ confess her sins or – and the thought of what it would cost her soul scared her, believe me – _lie_. "I've been ungrateful for what the Lord has provided me, Father."

"How so?"

"Uh, b-because I was angry that my father was never home..." It was for the better, Eve thought, that she leave out the fact he was a womanizer. "I found myself wishing for a different family."

Again, she left out that she wished for a different, more _accepting_ family. Eve doubted that such a thing even existed, especially since she's never even seen one.

The whispered words of Joan and Lilith and everyone else at the lunch table came to mind, or more accurately, what she was able to catch of it. They spoke of a place – she didn't know what it was called but she knew it was a city – filled with people _like them_ , where people loved the way they loved, a place of freedom, a place that, if she decided to tell the priest of it, he'd call a den of sin.

"I see." The priest responded, more to let her know that he was still listening if anything else.

"I've been envious of my friends." Envious of their normalcy, of their heterosexuality, the ease with which they lived. She prayed for it every night, after tucking away Lilith's note, after wiping her hands on her sheets...

"And have you acted on that envy, my child? Have you stolen?"

Eve was quite sure there wasn't a way to steal such things. She wished there was, though. Had it been possible, she'd have done it long ago, wrong as it may be.

What a painful thing it was, to want what you could never have.

Oh, but it was even more agonizing to want something she _could_ so easily have, yet constantly have to deny herself of.

A tantalizing, forbidden fruit that lay in reach, red and ripe and _just there_ , waiting for her to grab it.

"No, Father. I have not stolen."

"Good." The old man comments. "The Lord will be pleased that you've at least managed to resist some of the devil's temptations."

"Recently, Father," She continues, "I've been disobeying my mother..."

"What did you do, my child?"

"I partook in something she did not wish me to. I was selfish in my decision and thought only of what I want." She was running out of things to confess, the time she had to decide whether to hide the events of the past two weeks wearing thin.

"Tell me what you partook in, my child. Remember, I am here in place of the Lord to forgive yours sins and save your soul, But I can't help you if you do not confess properly."

Ah, there was truly nothing better than the threat of damnation to scare someone straight.

"I joined the gardening club against her wishes, Father."

The fact this was considered a sin did nothing to surprise her, painful as it was. Practically everything that made her happy nowadays was a sin.

"What else?"

"I cheated on a quiz."

"Anything more?"

"I think bad things sometimes."

At this point, Eve was only saying things for the sake of saying them, to be able to say to herself that she had confessed.

"Being tempted is not a sin, my child. Have you nothing else to confess?"

This was it. Her last chance to tell him everything that had happened and hope to be forgiven. If she walked out of the confessional right now, she'd be a sinner.

She already was.

There was so much to confess.

Everything was dark and frightening in the cramped space of the confessional. It was as if the booth was closing in on her, hardwood walls coming nearer and nearer, squeezing the sin from her body and the air from her lungs.

She couldn't breathe.

_She couldn't breathe._

_**She couldn't breathe.** _

Lilith's note burned like hot coals in her pocket. Everything she'd done with it were sins. Memories of the past week, all sinful, came rushing back to her in the deafening ... that time she almost kissed Lilith. Another sin. A grave one. The lust she felt upon their second meeting after glimpsing her cleavage. Once more, a sin. Thinking that Lilith and Joan and Paula and Colette and Julia were good people despite them being unrepentant homosexuals. A sin. Letting Lilith change her blouse in the bathroom. More sin. The way she clung to Lilith after. Again, sin. The way she felt when Lilith held her close behind the gardening shed, as if God himself wouldn't be able to hurt her if she'd hide herself in the girl's arms. Did that count as blasphemy? Either way, a sin.

Hiding what Lilith had done the day of the fire. Sin.

Everything she's ever done. Sin.

Everything she's ever thought. Sick and sinful.

Sin.

Sin.

Sins. All of it. Everything. Even her.

"Do you have anything else to confess?" He asked again, at last breaking the deafening silence that had settled over them.

"No, father."

"Well then, if that's the case, I will now give you my advice." The man cleared his throat and for the first time since she began doing confession, just before her first communion, she dared to look at the almost opaque screen that separated them.

From the little light that seeped in from the already dim chapel, Eve could just barely make out the priest's outline, portly and hunched, any other distinguishing features obscured from her, as she hoped she was to him.

He looked... plain, undeniably human. Nothing he was resembled anything close to being the bridge between heaven and earth, in no part of him could you see the link between man and Jesus, nowhere in sight did his flesh look to be the naturally benevolent stand in of the ever-ethereal and unknown God they so wholeheartedly praised.

"In times of ungratefulness and longing, you should think of those who have less than and say a prayer of thanks and a prayer for the less fortunate." Eve couldn't help but think the man sounded haughty, as if believing his words to be filled with some sort of profound, unheard of wisdom.

"As for when you encounter temptation, you must simply look to God for strength and guidance. Pray to him, so that he may see your plight, so that he may see how hard you are trying to stay obedient to him that he may send aid."

She was near tears, hands clutching at her rosary once more, holding it so harshly that there was now an indent on her thumb in the shape of a crucified Christ. Damn it all, she _had_ been praying!

Eve prayed nearly every hour of everyday, through every trial, begging to be relieved of her ailments and sins, asking for help, reassurance, at the very least, some sign that this wasn't all for naught and in vain, a light at the end of the ever-elongating tunnel.

"But remember, my child, the Lord will not make you face anything you are unprepared for. Have faith and thank him for giving you your cross to bear, that you may work your way into heaven."

Everything this man was telling her, she'd heard before and twice over. The same advice regurgitated to her over the years by different voices using different words that all boiled down to the same two: Have faith.

When would that faith be rewarded?

When would she be free of her cross?

"For your penance, ten 'Hail Mary's, two 'Apostle's Creed's and an 'Act of Contrition.'"

In her mind, she doubled that number and added a 'Lord's Prayer' for good measure, wanting to make up for her unconfessed sins but unwilling to state them.

Why?

For love, for Lilith. For the trust Lilith put in her, in exchange for keeping her own sins secret.

"I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

The confession had ended.

"Go, now, in peace, for you have been forgiven."

Eve left, even more sinful than she'd entered.

* * *

  
_"What did you tell the priest, Eve?!"_

Lilith screamed, at last snapping the blonde into the present, pulling her from the prison that was her mind and making Eve come to and look upon her, agonized, in the throes of desperation and panic.

Never before had she seen Lilith so vulnerable, so scared. Was this what she'd looked like, Eve wondered, crying and clinging to Paula on the bathroom floor only days ago?

"Please, _please_ , Eve!" Lilith begged, hysterical. Perhaps if she pleaded enough, Eve's betrayal would undo itself and they could revert to their usual dynamic, with Lilith as the rock and Eve as the weeping one, or going even further back, return to what once was and rid herself of the ache and ailment that was being in love with Eve Peccator and the consequences that came with it.

Eve pried Lilith's hands from hers, joining her where she knelt on cold, unyielding stone, breaking the painting of the damning deity and distraught repentant, instead creating one that was far more human, closer to their reality, one of two sinner, banished from Eden yet finding comfort in each other.

Stained glass figures and marble saints looked down on them both, now, passing their own judgements upon the pitiful scene. Other than them, no one was there to hear Lilith wail as she broke down, sharp features scrunching up as she let what had built over the day, over the week, over the year, over her entire _lifetime_ out in the form of hot, salty tears that now fell on Eve as they rolled down her cheeks, blotchy and red as her hair.

She took Lilith's sobbing face into her caring hands, full of love and respect for the girl in front of her even in what was the other's most fragile and shameful moments.

There was a moment of silence when their eyes met for the first time in hours, earthly brown meeting tear-filled, heavenly blue.

"Nothing." Eve wiped the tears off Lilith's cheek with a tender stroke of her thumb.

"I told them nothing."

Lilith again broke out in harder sobs as the fear that filled her melted away, Eve taking away her pain, her suffering, her cross as she leaned in close and brought their foreheads together, noses barely touching, never once breaking eye contact.

"I kept you secret."

Oh, how heavy those words were... The weight they held was indescribable, more so coming from Eve. She almost couldn't believe what she was hearing. She wanted to, though, wanted to believe that Eve loved her as much as she did, loved her enough to hide her away in her heart, away from the God she so feared in spite of the harm it may bring her soul.

"I've sinned for you, Lilith."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I destroyed you?
> 
> Good ψ(｀∇´)ψ
> 
> It’s now actually christmas!! This is my present for you guys (/≧▽≦)/ Take it!!!! Lmao make my holidays better by giving me comments cause yes!!
> 
> I'll be back in January with new chapters!! (Motivate me with comments in the meantime <333)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's day y'all <33

She was safe. She would live. All her friends were safe. All her friends would live.

For some reason, that knowledge only made her sob harder, clinging to Eve like a lost, helpless child. Her hands were shaking, her head was pounding, her lungs weren’t big enough to breathe with. Lilith swore she was seconds away from exploding.

After everything that had built over the day – dread and anguish and the ever-looming possibility of an even worse suffering making itself more present than it had in the longest time – she’s honestly surprised her heart didn’t pop like a balloon _hours_ ago.  
  
“You-” Lilith had to cough, sobs making it near impossible to breath, much less speak. “You promise you didn’t tell them anything? Eve, you-”  
  
She coughed even harder and tried to wrench herself out of Eve’s hold, fearing she’d end up spilling her guts on the girl. But Eve’s grip on her remained strong, unfaltering, all of the things Lilith wasn’t right now. The most she was able to do was look down so her coughs and sputters wouldn’t hit the other.  
  
“Eve, please tell me if you told them.” Another plea. How many times has she made those today? Not just to Eve but to all the world and everything that kept it turning, begging time to stop and things to go back to what they were before all this, before Eve, before that damn fire she just _had_ to start.  
  
“I didn’t tell them anything.” The blonde spoke, firm but gentle, calm despite the doubt thrown her way.

She’d do everything she could to erase that doubt from Lilith. After all, she knew what it was like, to beg for an answer you’d never receive, to fear, _to doubt_.

And she knew it was agony.

“I promise, Lilith.”

“Okay, o-okay, I-” Lilith nodded as much as she could with Eve still cupping her face, her hand going to rest atop the blonde’s as she did. She felt hysterical. She had every right to be. “I’m sorry, I- Joan. I need to go and- and I need to tell Joan we’re fine.”

Eve finally let go of her, nodding as well, understanding as can be, though the touch of their hands lingered even when brought away from Lilith’s cheek, slowly sliding apart. It was clear to both of them that neither wanted to let go and Lilith couldn’t help the queasy feeling that intensified in her gut when she realized that Eve was making a conscious effort to keep their hands touching for as long as they could.

This somehow was and wasn’t the girl who’d had a breakdown in the bathrooms mere days ago. Something had changed and it had changed so quick Lilith didn’t even realize it had happened till the change stood before her, revealing itself to ease her worries and dry her tears and promise her the secrecy she needed.

“Of course, you go do that.”

Lilith was already rising from the stone path, dusting off her skirts and picking tiny pebbles out of her pink, skinned knees, helping Eve up with her after dusting her hands off as well.

“I’ll meet you in the garden as soon as I’m done, I promise.”

Eve nodded, letting their hands slip apart once more. “I’ll be waiting.”

* * *

Lilith was only now noticing the fatigue that plagued her, physical side effects of her stress, of her staying up all night to prepare for what might have happened, of her laying awake in bed, pondering the what ifs and already aching from a betrayal that had yet to happen, that _hadn’t_ happened. But she pushed through it, needing to give her friends the same, sweet catharsis she’d been given mere moments ago.

Tears still clouded her eyes and she didn’t take the time to rub them away. Even blurry, the school’s hallways – now empty, everyone either in confession or in club – were something she knew like the back of her palm.

She hated that she knew this place so intimately, loathed how she’d memorized the place that caused her so much torment, out of habit, out of necessity.

But now wasn’t the time to think of that. Not when her feet were hitting the ground over and over again, her breathing ragged and forced, lungs not even remotely recovered from sobbing. She had to find Joan, find Paula, find _somebody._

And she did.

Julia came into her line of sight, having just rounded the corner, coming from the direction of the chapel, coming from confession.

When she and Julia locked eyes, both of them halting immediately, there was a tense moment between them, fear-filled, Julia raising a brow, her silent way of asking the only question that mattered:

Did they have to leave? _Now?_

The girl saw Lilith’s red-rimmed eyes, the flush in her cheeks, partly stained by tears. It was evident to anyone who might’ve witnessed her that _something_ had happened. But whether that something was good or bad would only be determined one the rise and fall of Lilith’s chest evened, when she no longer heaved, when God himself had stopped pulling the breath from her lungs to prolong Julia’s agony.

“Lilith, sweetheart, do-” The girl began but had to stop to take a breath herself, afraid of the answer as she stalked closer, cautious. She felt as if a nun would pop out from behind her friend any second now. Why else would she be running, _crying?_ “Do we have to go?”

“No.” Lilith panted, at last looking up from the ground and combing her messed up hair out of her face, revealing a relieved but incredulous smile, shaky and a bit strange looking, though it wasn’t at all forced. “No, we don’t have to. Not yet.”

* * *

Eve slumped against the garden shed door the moment she’d put her apron on, her hands – the hands that had held Lilith’s, the very ones that had cupped her cheek and refused to let go, with the thumb that had wiped away her tears – went to clutch her rosary, nearly popping a button of her uniform off in her rush to fish it out of her shirt, having slipped into it.

She’d lied during a confession.

She’d committed sacrilege.

She’d hidden Lilith away from God.

She’d gone against the God that had made her, the God that had made Lilith, the God that had made the world and everything in it, the God almighty, the God that had the power to smite her at any moment, the God who could refuse her salvation, the God that could condemn her everlasting soul to the fiery pits of hell never ending…

The very same God that had refused to answer her, no matter how many times she’d asked for a sign, for forgiveness, for help. The God that had ignored her pleas and prayers. The God who had subjected her to this anguish in the first place, the God who had given her this trial, the God who had bestowed upon her a cross to heavy to bear.

And Eve would do it again. She had to, if she wanted what she did today to mean anything.

‘Ask and ye shall receive,’ they said. ‘Seek and ye shall find,’ they told her.

Well, Eve had done enough asking and seeking for a lifetime…

But maybe she had asked in the wrong places, maybe she needed to seek elsewhere.

Or maybe she just needed to try harder.

Lilith had arrived in the garden just in time to ease Eve’s own worries.

She was starting to think Lilith was a no-show, that the girl had simply left along with all of her friends. But she was here now, right in front of her, in the sinful flesh and back to her usual self, or the closest she could muster to that.

They were both tired. So, so tired…

Still, Lilith had taken her apron out of her bag, pristinely folded, walking over to her with a sort of tired tentativeness they both had no clue how she had the energy to muster.

“What are we going to do now?”

Eve couldn’t answer that question if she tried. Not with the truth, at least. Not with anything other than what she herself wanted the answer to be.

She answered it anyway.

“Let me help you with your apron.” Eve said softly. It was as if she was still trying to hide from God, the all-seeing, the omnipotent, trying to hide from her always there one-man audience, her one-man _judge._ It was in vain, of course, like most things she did nowadays. No matter how low her voice was, he would always be there.

It was hard to imagine Eve ever found comfort in that fact.

“Do you want to do that, though?” Lilith was whispering too.

Eve knew the other was a non-believer, a sinner, and she couldn’t help but wonder if she felt the need to hide too, even though she didn’t believe. Would it always be like this, for her, for the both of them? How could she even begin to dream of a world where she didn’t need to whisper when Lilith didn’t even have the courage to do it herself?

“Yes.” Oh, she shouldn’t though. She really, really shouldn’t. “I want to help… will you let me?”

Lilith handed the apron to her, a soft, tired smile playing at her chapped lips.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

* * *

Lilith would let Eve do anything she wanted to as of right now, even if it would hurt her.

Her friends were safe, at the very least. They wouldn’t get involved, they wouldn’t get roped into the trouble she’d created for herself the same way they did when she started that fire, when she met Eve and allowed herself to love the other, despite the danger, despite the consequence, despite there being no chance of reward for all the risk she’d taken. And that was enough for her to be fine with the fact that Eve could kill her today, right here, right now, in the garden.

* * *

But Eve didn’t hurt Lilith. All she did did was slide her lightly freckled hands in between the gap of Lilith’s arms and waist, letting her skin glide against the fabric of Lilith’s uniform, letting herself feel the skin of Lilith’s arms, letting herself feel the heat of Lilith’s flesh from under her uniform.

All she did was help with Lilith’s apron.

It was all she could allow herself to do.

She wanted to do more, though, so much more…

* * *

They were sitting when Eve did the waist of Lilith’s uniform, the piece that went over Lilith’s chest still flopping about her front with every shift of the ties around her middle.

“Lilith?” The girl spoke out at long last after one more pull of the red ribbon,

“Hm?”

“Give me the ties to the front, please.”

Lilith handed them back, arms bent a bit awkwardly as Eve shuffled about around her, shifting to her knees so she was taller than the girl she was helping.

As if there were magnets imbedded into their palms, their hands once again met, brushing against each other, soft and freckled skin meeting slightly calloused porcelain, Eve’s fingertips ghosting over the sides of Lilith’s neck, the back of her hand momentarily cradled in Lilith’s palm as she took the apron’s ties.

But there were no magnets. It was all them and their own will, their own want, their own whims, their own ungodly desires.

 _Eve’s_ ungodly desire.

“Thank you.”

What was Eve thankful for? Lilith had no clue. She’d be surprised to find out that not even Eve knew, at least not enough to explain. Was it her compliance, both to letting the girl tie the apron and handing her its ties? Was it her lack of questions, Lilith merely allowing her to do as she pleased without judgement, without expecting an explanation?

If Eve had the words and the courage to say it out loud, Lilith would find out and flush at the knowledge that Eve was thankful for her. Not just some of the individual parts that she was composed of. Not just what Lilith did. Eve was thankful for _her_ , all of her, as a whole, and nothing less.

Just as Lilith was about to put her hair aside, Eve beat her to it, hands tentatively and tenderly gathering the fiery locks of hair, sweeping away the few strands that stuck to her nape before carefully swinging the bundle of hair over Lilith’s shoulder, setting about in tying the top part of the apron.

Her movements were slow, seemingly intentional, fingertips lingering only a little bit longer than what most could pass off as accidental, straddling the line between friendly and… flirtatious? No, that wasn’t exactly the correct term for whatever Eve was doing right now. She was still cautious, still careful enough that the way her touch lingering could be mistaken as an appropriate fondness, that is, if Lilith were any other girl.

Curious.

Eve’s touches were curious, experimental in nature and still a bit wary. As if touching Lilith for too long could burn her, as if there was a bomb imbedded in the nape of Lilith’s neck that was set to detonate if she dared to linger too long.

But she persisted despite that fear.

Eve’s touch and gaze and the warmth of her hand would linger, deliberate.

The way the girl tied Lilith’s apron showed this, clearly as day, the sides of her hand every so often sweeping across Lilith’s skin, the way she slowly, _painstakingly_ turned what could have been a simple knot meant to fasten into a ribbon meant to draw the eye, nearly decorative despite its functionality. Really, you could have mistaken Eve for a second grader who’d just learned how to tie their shoelaces a day ago with how careful she was.

Still, one could not spend an eternity trying to tie a ribbon, no matter how much one would like to do so.

“All done.” Eve said, shuffling back a bit to put some distance between Lilith and her.  
  
“So, what now?”  
  
There was that dreaded question again, falling from Lilith’s mouth before she could even think, before she could do anything about it. If Eve’s careful movements betrayed her desire to touch Lilith, Lilith’s constant questions and unthinking compliance betrayed her hope that Eve would do _more.  
_  
“Let’s check the whiteboard?” Eve said it more like a question than anything else, the little bravado she had dwindling, all tangled up in the strings of Lilith’s apron where it would stay for neither of them knew how long. “Veronica said she’d leave instructions for us there.”

Lilith nodded, standing up and offering a hand to Eve, still sitting on her knees.

Eve took it. She allowed herself to be pulled up by Lilith, from the deadweight of her legs, all pins and needles and numbness. Lilith didn’t allow her to fall, though, righting her with her free hand, a sturdy grip planting itself on the girl’s upper arm

“You okay?” Lilith couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped her as Eve looked on at her, utterly baffled. “Don’t pass out on me now, Eve. Do you need, like, a breather or something?”  
  
“I-” She was willing to bet Lilith could feel her pulse, the other girl’s pale fingertips resting on her wrist, their hands still clasped together. “No, I’m fine. I just- My legs are asleep.”  
  
How long had they been sitting on the grass? How long have they been doing this, merely sitting in each other’s company, touching hands, letting silence overtake them like moss on a stone wall?  
  
How long could one take, tying a ribbon? Surely not an eternity. But as Eve wiggled her toes in her shoes, she can’t help but think they at least made it _close_ to eternity. A lifetime, maybe?

Perhaps, one could tie a ribbon for eternity. If they so wished, if they so _allowed_ themselves to.

Eve would make it a point to try and allow herself next time.

She’s already done so much allowing, what more was this? It was just tying the strings of a friend’s apron, it was just _helping_. And did the Lord not say they were to offer others help?

“Alright, um, fuck…”

It seemed that Lilith was also realizing they’d just spent what couldn’t have been a mere few minutes on getting ready for gardening as she helped Eve prop herself up on the garden shed’s exterior. Despite how she was now leaning against the hardwood like a ragdoll, Eve didn’t let go of Lilith’s hand.

“Look, Eve, we’ve had a long day and I honestly have no clue if we even have the time to get anything done. Like at all.” The girl said, letting out a small huff that was probably intended to be laughter. “I’m pretty sure I spent half of our club time running around the building and I have no clue what the hell you did while I was gone, but you look tired.”  
  
Lilith paled the moment she said that, backtracking a bit, worried, though Eve’s grip on her hand didn’t ease in the slightest. If anything, the girl seemed to cling to her even harder, fearing she’d go away, not only taking back her words but physically taking a step back.

“Not in a mean way! I’m not saying you look messed up or anything, I think you look really pretty right now and-” She cut herself off, wincing. Eve still held onto her hand. “Just… wanna go by the back and sit under a tree or something? Rest? I know you’re probably really excited to do garden stuff but-”

It was Eve’s turn to cut Lilith off this time.  
  
“I’m tired.” The blonde admitted, sighing as she stared deep into Lilith’s eyes. “Like really, _really_ tired. If you’re gonna go sit under a tree for however long we have left, I wanna come with you.”

Who knew disobeying the church would be so taxing? Who knew hiding your friend from the wrath of God despite most likely being in line to receive it yourself would be so exhausting? Certainly not Eve. She’d never planned to do anything of the sort. Ever. Not even once.

But she did.

And she was going to have to do it for the remainder of the school year…

The mere _thought_ of that was draining, too. Perhaps God was trying to suck the life out of her now, before she could further violate any other of his sacraments, before she could commit sacrilege again. Probably not, though.

Eve imagined getting the life pulled from her body would hurt more, though.

And she just felt heavy. Extremely so.

Maybe instead of outright killing her, God was slowly turning her to stone, like the statues of saints that lines the chapel, making a monument out of her, an example to any of the future girls who would come her, a warning not to sin lest you end up another one of the church’s statues.

But that would hurt, too… wouldn’t it?

Eve hoped it would. It would get some of the eternal suffering her soul would face in hell out of the way, at least. Though maybe having your body turned to stone wasn’t the same sort of ache as getting your soul burned in the fiery pits.

Either way, nothing would make her ache like Lilith had.

“You wanna crawl over to the trees or do you feel like just sitting back down here again?”  
  
“Trees, definitely.” Eve answered, though laughed and continued. “But I don’t need to crawl! I just need to wiggle my toes a little more and then the feeling will come back.”

Lilith nodded and laughed as well, loud like always, leaning on the shed in solidarity, parallel to Eve, both of them facing each other.  
  
“Okay, how numb is it on a scale of one to ten?”

Eve raised a brow at the question, trying to think but came up empty and shrugged at the other girl.  
  
“Okay, like, if I put a pebble in your shoe, would you feel it? Like at all?”

 _That_ , at least, made a bit more sense to her.

“I can feel my toes and the middle part of my foot vaguely but my ankles are done for and I think they’ll break if I put any weight on them.” She said after about a second of pause. “I would feel a pebble but… I also wouldn’t? It would feel like pressure but not much else.”

A few more minutes of wiggling her toes later, Eve was finally able to take her weight off the shed and place them back on her feet, giving an experimental half-step and grinning when she only slightly stumbled.

* * *

Lilith plopped herself down by the very roots of the apple tree, letting her head hit the bark as she sighed and stretched and looked upwards, finding the tree still in bloom, various shades of delicious red hanging above her.

The only thing over their heads were the apples, the tree’s leaves, and the scarce, light clouds that littered the sky. It should have been serene, tranquil. But when she looked at Eve and saw the expression on her face, Lilith would be lying if she said she didn’t fear for her safety.

The other girl’s face was completely blank, unreadable. That worried her.

Lilith knew she shouldn’t be.

Eve had already done so much, hiding her during confession, not ratting her out upon learning she’d started the fire. She even kept quiet about the afternoon they almost kissed.

Though she couldn’t help but wonder if Eve would be able to do this again, resist years of programming and propaganda and biblical brainwashing in order to keep her and her friends safe, go against what she thought she needed for herself, go against what she thought she needed to do to get into heaven, to save her soul.  
  
Still, Lilith forced those thoughts from her head as Eve carefully lowered herself to the ground, fixing her skirt as she sat next to her.

She had to have faith.

She had to put her faith in Eve.

* * *

Looking at the sky, it would have been a perfect day for most. Or a normal day, at least. To say Eve didn’t exactly get that today was an understatement. No matter how scenic everything was – barely a cloud over their heads, the few that were there all light and airy – she couldn’t help the underlying guilt that bubbled and boiled in her gut.

The reality of it all had sunk in earlier, before Lilith arrived, but it seemed now that it hadn’t hit rock bottom yet, the gravity of what she had just done continuing to dawn on her as the minutes stretched on by.

And here she thought she’d already reached a conclusion about all this.

Eve was angry at God and she disobeyed and she hid Lilith from him, from her rightly deserved penance. Was it rightly deserved? What sins did Lilith commit? She’s not entirely sure. Maybe Lilith’s done everything at this point. There was the fire. There was the stealing from the library.

There was Lilith’s homosexuality… and there was the matter of her inspiring homosexuality in others.

There was her being a non-believer.

There was her creating doubt in others.

It wasn’t a sin to be tempted.

It was a sin to act on temptation.

Why was Eve telling herself all this?

“I heard they’re gonna make us harvest these.”

“Hm?” She hummed, Lilith’s voice pulling her from her thoughts.

The other girl only smiled at her and pointed a finger upward. “Look up a bit.”  
  
Eve did as Lilith asked and was tempted to let out a bitter laugh.

Of course.

They were sat under a fucking apple tree, of all things.

The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on Eve, no matter how much she wished it. What was Lilith trying to tell her? Was the other actively trying to rub it in her face, the things she’s done, the sins she’s committed, how she’d convinced Eve to go along with her?

No, Lilith wasn’t mean like that… was she?

“What about the apples?”

The girl only laughed at Eve’s confusion, correct in the assumption she probably didn’t understand what she’d told her mere seconds ago. “I said, I heard they were going to make us harvest these.”

“Oh! Oh yeah, I’m pretty sure we are.” Eve nodded along as she finally got with the program.

Lilith wasn’t being mean after all.

“We’re supposed to harvest them in October if I remember right. I’m pretty sure it’s one of the club activities. Remember that sale Veronica was talking about?”

“Oh yeah, that… so, what are we gonna tell Veronica when she asks why the hell we didn’t get this weeks tasks done?

Eve paused for a moment, thinking, eyes shifting as if the answer could be found hanging on the trees or spelled out in the sky with the clouds. It wasn’t too ridiculous a notion. It couldn’t be, if that’s how she found the answer, her eyes landing on the church’s belltower and the cross that stood atop it.

“We can just say that we took too long during confession so we weren’t able to make it to club.”

Lilith gasped in mock scandal, putting a hand to her heart. “Lie? Miss Eve Peccator, you want me to lie to our dearest, fellow club members?”

“Not up to it?” Eve played along, knowing the other was only trying to crack a joke. It did make her wince a bit though…  
  
The girl snorted, tossing her head back and letting it hit the tree bark. “Hell no, I’m fucking down!”

It was after a few more seconds of laughter between the two of them that silence had once again settled, giving them both much needed time to think. Lilith and Eve sat barely inches apart, side by side, legs outstretched and touching, just like that day in the bathroom.

Today really did look pretty.

It’s a shame it couldn’t _feel_ pretty, too.

Eve would give so many things to get rid of the coil in her gut, to be empty, well and truly devoid of emotion, of thoughts and responsibilities and wishes and wants and desires and desires and desires. Oh so many desires…

She’d give just about anything to be as pure and picturesque as a painting right now.

What she’d done, and now, what she was planning to do, loomed over her like the church’s belltower had, like the stares of the statues populating it. Eve knew what she would have to do to make her sacrifice mean anything in the long run. She would have to keep lying. She would have to keep sinning. She would have to, time and time again, disobey God.

Was this something her soul would ever be able to recover from? How many botched confessions and lies and sins could she rack up before she had enough for every step down to hell?

And would salvation be worth it, if it meant the damnation of another?

The longer she thought about it, the more it seemed like nothing she did would matter, like anything and everything was a sin. The guilt in her gut morphed into a strange sort of nihilism. It was the kind of carelessness that filled you after too long of caring too much, the kind of carelessness that came after a hard cry. A carelessness brought on by exhaustion.

After all, who would ever find out if she indulged her curiosities a bit? Yes, God would know but who else? Was there anyone listening that could hurt her, in this life, in this moment?

“Lilith…” Eve whispered, voice hardly above the blowing of the breeze. “Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.” The other girl’s tone was devoid of anything that could be perceived as judgement but she still couldn’t help being a tad apprehensive, a tad tentative.

Nothing good ever came from asking questions. At least, not the questions she would be asking.

“You don’t believe in God, do you?”

Eve was fairly sure she knew Lilith’s answer to this, though the girl had never outright told her she was an atheist. She had to be. Either that or she was one of those false Christians. But Lilith didn’t seem to by the type to do anything half-way, her headstrong and stubborn personality polarizing.

“I can’t say I believe in much of anything, really.”

That… Eve didn’t really know what to make of that answer. Sure, there were other religions and that was all fine and dandy though they were wrong, technically speaking, but how could one just believe in nothing?

“Alright. Can I ask you something else?”

Lilith gave a soft laugh at that, nodding out of the corner of her eye. The girl always seemed so amused when indulging her. Was anything about this remotely funny? Or was it just her?

“You can ask me as many things as you like, Eve.”

That sounded a bit like how one would talk to a child.

It made Eve a bit upset, to think that Lilith found her funny to some extent. Would that be why she stayed around, as if to gawk and giggle at an exhibition.

But Lilith was never cruel to her.

Unlike God and whoever else was watching, Lilith never pointed or jeered or added to her suffering, at least not intentionally, to create a better show, to further entertain the audience.

“If you don’t believe in God…” Eve stopped for a second and took a deep breath. Did she really want this? So many had warned her from seeking things she wasn’t fit to know, from seeking knowledge.

Would she ever be able to go back to the way things were, even after Lilith was gone, if she knew the answer to this?

“How can you just not believe in God? Any God? Lilith, I-”

She took another deep breath. This wasn’t the time to be hysterical, to bombard the other with questions. Eve would have to ask for things one at a time if she hoped for an answer to everything.

“Aren’t you curious about how this all came to be? About how I was created and how you were created and how the land you walk on and the air you breathe came to be?”

Try as she might, Eve couldn’t help the sort of panic that seeped into her questions. How could one just not believe in God? And so easily, too. Even worse, if someone could just live life and be happy while not believing in anything or striving for some sort of salvation, what was she doing all this for?  
  
What was the point of her restraint and her denying herself if other people were just going to live as they pleased? Getting to heaven?

Lilith shrugged, eyes shifting about languidly, not in search of an answer.

How could one do that? Merely be content with how things were and never ask how or why?  
  
But then again, maybe Lilith had already done her asking.

Eve continued on with hers.

“But you have to believe in _something_.” The concept of Lilith not believing in Catholicism was one thing, but her not having a God at all was something else entirely. “We all have faith, don’t we? Where’s yours?”

A moment of silence passed.

She asked again. “Where’s your faith, Lilith?”

This time, she finally got an answer.  
  
“In you.” Lilith turned to face her and, as if to make it undeniable to them both, she said it again.

It was like a prayer, like a plea. But what was a prayer if not a plea to someone who wasn’t listening, a plea to someone who wasn’t even there?

“I put my faith in you, Eve.”

In response, Eve only nodded, looking everywhere except her one worshipper. Her brown eyes, so of the earth, so sinful, shifted to above them, gaze locking in some sort of imaginary contest with one of the apples hanging overhead.

It teased her.

It taunted her.

It tempted her.

And at long last, she broke the silence and starred elsewhere, still not at the girl beside her, though she still lost to the apple that dangled just a little out of reach.

“Lilith?”

“Yeah?”

“Lie on my lap.” Eve said, never once looking at the girl beside her.

She would be able to do plenty of that when Lilith complied. _If_ she complied.  
  
“Please.”

Eve didn’t think herself a selfish person, or even a particularly forceful one, but she felt as if she might die if Lilith denied her this. Of everything the other girl had been to her, yet another unanswered prayer wasn’t part of the list. Thankfully. She didn’t need to add any more of those into the pile.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Lilith nod, could hear the grass shift, could hear her skirt shift before the gentle weight of Lilith’s head carefully, tentatively settled into her lap.

She dared to look down for a moment, relieved to find Lilith’s gaze elsewhere, face not towards her torso.

Good.

Eve wanted this with everything she had in her, the little remaining energy she had left all devoted to Lilith. But having the girl face her, look at her, was too much to bear.

Would she ever be able to face her desires, sick and twisted as they were?  
  
Would she ever be able to face her desires, even the purest of them?

Were any of her desires even truly pure?

Or did her desires reflect her? Sinful and dirty.

Could anyone even claim to be pure in their desires?

The desire for anything that wasn’t base – food and water and air and _life_ – and the desire for anything that wasn’t God was impure on principal.

Lilith broke the line of questions forming in Eve’s mind as, after a moment of silence, spoke.

“Like this?” Her voice was soft, barely above a breath. It was as if even Lilith was scared. What of? Maybe disappointing Eve somehow.

Even the ones who feared nothing would be afraid of letting down the girl love and Lilith was far from fearless.

“Exactly like this.”

Like earlier, Eve’s hand had gone to Lilith’s hair, though for admittedly less practical purposes. Instead of swooping it aside or tying it up, she merely ran her fingers over it, not yet daring to run her hands _through_ it. As if holding a mirror to her desire, that would be too much, too.

Eve stroked Lilith’s hair, fingertips grazing over the fiery locks that looked nearly ablaze when the light hit them. The occasional ray of sun that would get through the leaves would land on Lilith’s cheek, on Lilith’s ear, on Lilith’s lips, and everywhere the light fell, Eve wanted to kiss.

How could she not want to place her lips upon the other’s soft, alabaster skin? To ghost her lips over Lilith’s flesh… truly, that would be the most grave of sins though Eve felt confident in thinking it would feel like the highest of blessings.

It had to be, if it was something she wanted so much.

She was a picture of grace, every feature in her face lax, at ease and peaceful as her chest rose and fell in a constant reminder of her mortality, an imperfect yet utterly masterful portrait made by an artist who had honed their skills over a lifetime.

The way the light fell on Lilith made her seem luminous, lustrous, the way they would portray angels in paintings, all incandescent and radiant and so, _so_ untouchable.

It would be wrong to say Lilith looked holy.

It would have been blasphemous to say it, but Eve felt as if she was finally seeing the face of God.

She saw it in Lilith.

How could she not?

Lilith was the picture of graceful divinity, every feature lax, what was usually sharp and angular seeming to soften, at ease and peaceful as her chest rose and fell in a constant reminder of her mortality despite how ethereal she looked, an imperfect yet utterly masterful portrait made by an artist who had honed their skills over a lifetime.

Eve could do nothing but look at Lilith, longing for the most tantalizing fruit in all the garden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THAT'S DONE OMFG I WORKED MY ASS OFF TO GET THIS TO Y’ALL ON TIME I HAVE SO MUCH SCHOOL WORK TO DO-
> 
> But aksjhdgfghjk hi!! Happy Valentine’s day!! Sorry for disappearing throughout January, shit got hectic in terms of school work and I Simply Could Not™ But hey, now I’m back with a 6000+ word chapter!! The longest I’ve written so far!! Let’s fucking gOOOOOOO-
> 
> OH ALSO LEMME JUST SAY, THANKS FOR STICKING AROUND THIS LONG!!
> 
> Come February 22, this book will officially be a year old and I’m literally shaking kasjdhgfghjkl is it normal to get emotional over a wip?? I fucking hope so :D But in all seriousness, thanks for getting all the way here!! I’ll try my best to get another chapter out for 22 since it is a one year anniversary and y’all deserve smth special <33
> 
> No promises tho since uni is trying to murder me ;--;;


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